The Blog: Spellbound by our own imperfect lives...

The little kids met up at the Treemendous playground today for some play time with what must have been almost every other little kid in town. Then we came back to Nana's house for the first family cookout of the season. PopPop made hot dogs, chicken, and steak on the grill. We had smores for dessert and Ella said that is the best part of every cookout. In the end, we had chalk all over the sidewalk (Including some great spelling words, Ella!), banana chunks and graham cracker crumbs on the floor, toys in every corner, and three very tired children. It was a blast. It looks like the weather will be cooler and wetter over the next few weeks than it was this weekend. That's fine...we made full use of the beautiful past four days and we can use the rain. Gus is sprawled across Regis's lap. His habit in the morning is to sleep as late as he can, then get up to go outside and eat his breakfast. When those two tasks are complete, he jumps on the lap for some petting...

We had our first glass of wine on the patio on Thursday evening. It was a bit chilly but given that we have waited a long time, it was worth it. We spent Friday afternoon and evening on the patio with friends, and yesterday we started with coffee on the patio, then an afternoon on the patio, then an evening on the patio. Such wonderful days. Today, we're hoping the little kids and some of the grown-up off-spring will come for a cookout after some play time at the park. It will be a smorgasbord of stuff: steaks, chicken, and hot dogs...because I'm not putting much more thought into it than that. I want to enjoy the day not spend the whole thing in the kitchen. Regis sent me a text message yesterday that said only this: I love you. I am lucky. No medical appointments this week! Did I mention that before? I read a powerful breast cancer blog (Michele's). She says cancer is part of her story but not her whole story. I like that. Then I read an article in th...

I went to my radiation simulation yesterday. I had to lie down on a CT scanning bed and hold very still for a few minutes. The doctor made some marks on my skin with a marker and the nurse made four tiny tattoos so they can line me up the same every day. I'll start the treatments on May 6th. They told me that a physicist figures out the angles so they can avoid shooting my lungs and heart with the ray guns. Hmmm. Our over-industrious lawn warrior neighbor to the north has already been firing up his gas powered man machines. I have not so much as lifted a rake yet as I believe in having more than three days between snow shoveling and yard work. This spring, I had seven days between snow boots and sandals. That's not much of a transition either. Coffee on the patio with Richie this morning. Perfect. Tonight's the night for grilling steaks. Yahoo! The maiden voyage!

I wrote the other day about my recurring bridge dream. I couldn't find quite the right picture, then someone posted this on FB the other day and I was amazed. This is it! It's a bridge in Norway and in my dream there were no men in orange jumpsuits but the bridge disappeared in the mist, just like this. I am awake with the birds this morning...maybe even before the birds. (What time do birds wake up anyway?) I have my radiation simulation this morning and I'm nervous. Regis reminded me that I was nervous before chemo, too, because I didn't know what to expect. I should expect the same with this experience. Our favorite morning radio show, Shufflefunction, is doing it's annual pledge drive. We like public radio but most of the time, avoid pledge drives. Regis stayed up until midnight to listen and I'm awake at 5am listening to the middle part of their Pledge Drive A Go-Go. It's a hoot. We made a pledge so we could be programmers for the day agai...

Check the post called winter storm zeus to see a picture of what it looked like here that day. This morning, I can see the grass is turning green. Regis and I found many plants starting to pop through the ground in the garden. The sky is bright blue and it might be 60 degrees today. We are starting to thaw, my friends! Yesterday was a grand day. Mary Smith of Mary's Flowers called me in the morning to tell me that I had a flower delivery! Mary is one of the best. When Mary's little van pulled up, my friend Rita jumped out. It was so much fun to see her. When I brought this lovely spring bouquet into the house, the card said, "Flowers and friends make the world go round! Love, Jane" Later we went out to the winery to celebrate Betty's birthday and we had such a nice time. Angie and Melissa took great care of us, we shared a pizza and a meat and cheese plate. And of course, some wine. Tomorrow is my radiation simulation. My pretend radiation. They will get...

This could be our last winter storm of the season. No promises, of course, but it could be. This is what the forecast looked like yesterday. The weather folks were predicting a day full of rain, then changing to snow in the evening... maybe twelve inches of snow. I know people who just pulled the curtains and refused to deal with it. We quit shoveling a storm or two ago and now just let the warm sun take care of it. We didn't get anywhere near twelve inches. Maybe a quarter inch of frozen rain and then 2-3 inches of snow. It won't melt much today but it will be gone by the weekend. April's snows never last long. It's beautiful...every branch is lined with snow.   I went out in my pajamas and winter boots to fill the bird feeders this morning. We are feeding quite a flock of birds. Robins, cardinals, finches, and a flock of black birds. We've also seen fox sparrows for the first time. They migrate through in the spring and fall. The largest of the sparr...

Sedition Dentistry: For the rebel in you! Definition of sedition (n) se·di·tion [ sə dísh'n ] rebellion or incitement: actions or words intended to provoke or incite rebellion against authority, or actual rebellion For weeks this winter, we drove by a billboard that only said Sedation Dentistry and a phone number. We thought that was hilarious because we always read it as sedition dentistry . Every time. And then we'd laugh and laugh. They changed the billboard so now there is more of an explanation. Some people are apparently so terrified of the dentist they prefer to be sedated during their treatments. I guess that's all I'll say about this. It's a crazy thing and happens to us from time to time...reading things incorrectly and thinking it's hilarious...not sedation dentistry. It's still winter even though the calendar says it's spring. I had to wear a winter coat and snow boots to chemo on Friday and today we are in another winter storm wa...

I was looking through my blog posts the other day and was surprised to find I had 35 drafts. Most of them were just titles or ideas but a few were fully formed and worthy of publishing. I had to put them out there today or I would forget again and they would languish in cyber space forever. I'm down to only two drafts now and I have my eye on those! Some day when I am feeling uninspired, they will come in handy!

Being a mother is hard work for a lifetime. I didn't know that when I was growing up and my mom was always there to take care of me and worry about me. I know it now that I have children and grand children. I read once that having a child is like making the decision to let your heart walk around outside of your body. It's true. My mom is a wise woman. She knows how to have fun and she enjoys life. I wrote this poem about all the things I've learned from her. I think I published it here before but in honor of my mom on Mother's Day, here it is again. What She Taught Me For Mom She taught me knitting, sewing, Teeny Tiny, and reading every night before you go to bed. She taught me how to make things for people you love. She taught me how to make stuffing by letting the butter and chopped onions sit on the stovetop overnight. She taught me how to make spaghetti from scratch and that leftovers make a good meal and t...

Regis is famous for his strange and detailed dreams. The other night he had a dream about me. I had been behaving in a way that aroused suspicion. He decided to find out what I was up to so he followed me down Third Street but lost me when we got close to downtown. When he saw me again, on Nassau Street, I was riding one of these. I was embarrassed to tell him that part of my new job included delivering cookies on this cycle so I kept it a secret. Good grief. I wonder what in the world spawned that dream. It is a cool bike, though. We went out for dinner at the Cedars Grille last night with some friends. Scott had prime rib and announced suddenly, "Hey, there's a ghost on my meat!" It's a little blob of sour cream with pepper flake eyes but it sure looks like a ghost. Somebody said it's a Konsbruck Hotel ghost. Ha! We went over to the Redmen after dinner for some dancing to the Lost Walleyes. It was a fun evening. I have a cooler packed for the A...

When I was a teacher, my favorite thing to teach was writing. Not to adults so much because they had their giant sets of nasty fears fed by red pens for all the years of their writing education. It was hard for them to get past that. The monkey mind, Natalie Goldberg calls it. Adults had fears that they would make a mistake (Oh, God! A dangling participle!) or something would sound stupid. It was hard to get them to let go and just write. If you could get to kids in time, before the pestilence of the five paragraph essay had them in its death grip, they could learn to enjoy writing, to think of it as just thinking on paper, as mental gymnastics or self-expression. My friend, Jill, and I did a lot of staff development for teachers of writing, much of it unsuccessful in the long run, but still fun. We had a lot of conversations in the car on the way to wherever, about writing and teaching writing. Some of the favorite memories of my teaching life. Once, we had to beat a hasty...

I've had a recurring dream in the last few months. Unlike most of my dreams, this one has a bit of a plot. I'm at the start of a bridge that looks kind of like this but it goes up into the clouds and over a lake. The top is shrouded in misty clouds so I can't really tell where the end will be. I know I have to cross but there are problems: I can't get my shoes tied, I can't get registered, I can't find the person I am supposed to walk with, it's getting late, it's freezing cold and icy. Always strange circumstances. I suppose there could be some meaning. Fear of the future? Anxiety about treatments? Feeling a lack of control? Hard to say, as I have some irrational fears. I am afraid to drive by semi trucks on the highway for fear the wheels might come off and smash into my windshield, for one thing. I worry about riptides whenever I am by the ocean. (This is a very silly fear as I have been by an ocean two times in my life.) I have others but th...

My last taxol treatment! I was booted from my chemo nest today. It happened with little ceremony but I did a hug from one  nurse and a star pin from Judy, my research nurse, because I have been a star patient. I told her I had mixed feelings about being done and she nodded knowingly. She said there was so much uncertainty during the early phase of diagnosis and this phase, the treatment, feels safe and secure and definite. Now I feel adrift again. One of the very nice things about cancer is the people I have met. A woman I connected with via the dog park and a massage therapist started her chemo yesterday. She posted a picture of herself sitting my booth at the cancer center! It made me feel better about leaving somehow. I told that story to the nurse, not mentioning any names of course because of HPPA and FRPA and all those other acronyms, but Jessica said, "I think I know just who you are talking about." My spot there will be in good hands. Regis and I went to P...

The cardinals have been frequent visitors to the bird feeders, Deb!

I'm not complaining about the weather even though it give me plenty of opportunity. The moisture is good and now I don't have to worry so much about wild fires this summer. Regis filled the bird feeders yesterday, put out extra peanuts for the squirrels, and put nesting materials in the suet feeder for the robins. Karen , I wrote a comment to you after your comment in yesterday's post. Don't know if you look back so here it is:  So glad you enjoyed the 25 random things about me! I appreciate your comments so much. The list was fun to do but harder than I thought it would be. I only got interested when a friend of mine wrote one and shared it. You know I like lists...here is an old one...a favorite of mine from the past: Things that annoy me in no particular order    Send me your list! I just talked to my mom on the phone. We're both sitting in our pajamas, drinking coffee, looking longingly out the window. We talked about our garden plans and buying flowers....

I like to read... constantly. I can't sit still for five minutes without reading something...the label on a box, someone else's list, a road map. I have been lucky enough to always have someone in my life who fills my car with gas. I rarely do it myself. I ran a half marathon in something over three hours which is more time than some people take to run a full marathon. In the sportpix photo of me in the half marathon, I was eating a peanut butter sandwich and waving at people. I got an F on the softball throw every year in school because I could only throw it 50 feet.  I swam across the Iowa River once. It was a very dumb thing to do. I hate carnival rides that leave the ground or go fast. I told a man at a service station years ago that I thought my oil light was broken because it was going off and on. He said I didn't deserve to drive a car. Two things I can't do: math and cards. I played the French horn (badly) in high school. I never kill spiders, even...

My friend, Joanne, gave me this book:  Read This!  It's composed of lists of favorite books by employees of independent bookstores across the country. I read through it once, then went back to check off the books I had read, then went through it again and marked the ones that were my favorites, too. Here is my list of 50 favorite books. 1. The Things They Carried by Tim O’Brien 2. Bel Canto by Ann Patchett 3. Out Stealing Horses by Per Petterson 4. Pilgrim at Tinker Creek by Annie Dillard 5. Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtry 6. The World According to Garp by John Irving 7. Cider House Rules by John Irving 8. Hotel New Hampshire by John Irving 9. Gorky Park by Martin Cruz Smith 10. A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole 11. Sophie’s Choice by William Styron 12. Dalva by Jim Harrison 13. True North by Jim Harrison 14. Returning to Earth by Jim Harrison 15. Cold Mountain by Ch...

It's only 9:30 am and Regis and I are having a cup of coffee after going to Mankato to buy groceries and stop at Walgreen's. The garbage truck just came by and so did the street sweeper so we're in good shape on all fronts this morning. We're feeling pretty smug. I'm preoccupied with my one remaining chemo treatment. I expected to be relieved but I'm not feeling that way so much. I'm feeling anxious and a bit sad. I always felt safe in the treatment room, like they were helping me to feel better and be healthier. Getting to the end feels like I'm on my own again. We bought some meat for grilling even though we aren't optimistic about getting to grill soon. The forecast for this week is Winter Storm Yogi. What the hell. A sign of spring in Minnesota is that you can see a person in shorts and a t-shirt the same day you see a person in a snorkel parka. I'm glad we don't watch television news when tragedies like the Boston bombing happen. I...

It was 32 degrees and raining sideways when we went out to the winery yesterday. The meadow is still snow covered and the patio is wet and cold. They open in two weeks so we hope the weather warms up a little, although I have a feeling their fans are tough and will come no matter the weather. We bottled and labeled Fox Run, a sweet red wine. Not my favorite but it's their best seller. We had a good time. Somehow I got hooked into the Good Reads website this weekend and I have spent hours rating books and looking at my recommendations. It feels like I'm not wasting time sitting here when I'm looking at books. Right? It's been fun to remember books I read years ago like A Separate Peace and A Tree Grows in Brooklyn . It's a visceral process as I obviously don't remember the plot of every book I've ever read. Sometimes I don't remember the plot of the book I read last week. My friend, Joanne, gave me a book made up of favorite book lists from book ...

It was a good week for me. Not so much sleeping, a little more energy, and I put make-up on four times...even the eyelashes. All positive signs. This is the beautiful bulb garden from my friends at River Rock. It's been blooming since Easter Sunday and it smells so nice. I love it! We had our young friends, John and Amber, over for dinner last night. Since we didn't get home until 4:30, we stopped at HyVee and took care of the menu: two racks of already cooked ribs, twice baked potatoes, bread and salad, and a bundt cake for dessert. We always have a good time with them. Amber and I drink wine, Regis and John talk about man stuff, and we laugh a lot. It is such good therapy. I had my 11th chemo treatment yesterday. And a consult with the radiation oncologist. He said radiation will be a good thing to do. I'll have 28 treatments on my breast, my neck lymph nodes, and my arm pit. I go in next week for the set-up and will probably start the first week in May. ...