The Blog: Spellbound by our own imperfect lives...

Tonight I went to a meeting of community folks and recent immigrants. Humbling? No doubt. Women who have not seen their husbands in seven years and have no idea of their fate. Women who laugh in spite of memories of civil war and soldiers slitting throats and being in a foreign country with no clue about how to cook the food or drive the car. Children translating for them. I wept. I'm tired. My bones and joints ache like I have been stoned. I am happy to hear that Larry came through his surgery well and is recovering. Even modern medicine is scary. I subbed today. Good and bad, as always. I signed up to sub tomorrow for one block which is my favorite time frame if I can't get a 45 minute gig. Why work more that a guy needs to? I have to start keeping a journal of aches and pains and such. To lift my arm feels like 80 pounds. Off to sleep.

I think I started using binders when my friend, Jill, and I started teaching writing classes. It was a good way to keep each course's materials together with notes and overheads. The binder habit eventually bled over into my other life and now I have binders for weight loss, exercise, yoga/therapy/writing...and anything else that happens to prick my fancy. It's a very visual way to organize materials. I have a binder for each major (and some minor) holidays. I save the menus, the grocery lists, the lists of things to do, sometimes a photo or two, the favorite recipes, and notes. Too many potatoes, not enough gravy, don't cook this that long, use real butter. Like I would have to make a note of that. I am enjoying the bounty of the season. We have had a bumper crop of cherry tomatoes and peppers and this morning I wandered down to the farmer's market to buy big tomatoes, a few summer squash, and some jam. My friend, Sheri, was selling her homemade salsa. I b...

This morning as I drink my coffee, I am reading about the beginning of the Jewish holiday Rosh Hashanah. I'm not of the Jewish faith but I love the idea of "casting off", walking to flowing water, such as a creek or river, on the afternoon of the first day and emptying our pockets into the river, symbolically casting off our sins. Small pieces of bread are commonly put in the pocket to cast off. Today, the second day of autumn, I have much to cast off. Mostly, I am casting off the burden of guilt over my actions. I am trying to make things right with people I have hurt with my behavior. Most are not holding grudges but are only happy to see me in a better place. That is good. I am casting off fear that I can't manage the troubles in my life without numbing. Of course, I can and it's so much more pleasant that way. Being fully alive and present is the alternative. I am casting off those with harsh judgment and criticism. I am not living their lives...I am living ...

Dear Cancer, I never thought we’d be so close. I knew you lived on the next street, hung out next door, visited the house around the corner and in the apartment building by the water tower but I never wanted much to do with you, to be honest. I didn’t think you’d be much of a friend so when I heard your name mentioned, I turned the other way. Then one day, sitting my office, the phone rings. Elaine says these words: You have invasive ductal carcinoma. Cancer. Oh, shit. Suddenly you are not across the street any more. You are, with your smug face, your beehive hairdo, and your smudged pink lipstick, sitting in my house, in my living room, in my chair. I really didn’t want a floozy like you hanging around. People talk, you know. They ask questions like where’d you come from and how long are you planning to stay. Frankly, I didn’t think you would add much to my life. You didn’t seem like much fun, you took a lot of time, and that language. Oh, my God. That language. Words I...

Today is the last day of summer. I like to recognize the official change of season by thinking, planning, reading, and writing. Today, I am sitting in my pajamas drinking cinnamon tea, looking out the window at my garden, and writing. I got home yesterday afternoon from the writing retreat I attended at Knife Lake with five women I met through Livestrong. We didn't know each other all that well before the treat but we had much in common and we bonded quickly. We spent our time writing, listening to each other, eating fabulous food, doing yoga on the deck beneath an oak tree, and sitting on the dock watching the pelicans float by the sand bar. It was glorious. I remember telling my writing classes during my teaching years that there is no forced sharing of your writing, but something magical happens when you do share it. Sitting around the dining table in the beautiful room with the full wall of windows onto the lake, we were warriors, we were better together, we...

I had my annual physical this morning and all systems check out fine. I got three immunizations: pneumonia, shingles, and tetanus. I am grateful to have access to such good health care. I woke up at 6 am and began the long-awaited task of cleaning out the refrigerator. I took everything out, cleaned the entire inside, washed all the shelves and gizmos, and restocked. It took about an hour so it made me wonder why I dread doing it so much. We made steaks on the grill with mushrooms and onions. Also had some of our zebra tomatoes grilled. A delicious meal. We bought groceries in Mankato. We're lucky to have access to such good food. We stopped at one of the big box pharmacies that sells everything now...even groceries. I think it's somewhat disingenuous of them to proclaim, "Be well!" when they sell frozen pizzas, chips, and mac and cheese. I don't like the idea of buying my food there...or at Menards for that matter. I like the idea of food being separat...

I slept like a baby last night. Drifted off to sleep, woke a few times for minutes, then woke slowly at 8 am. Wow! Wonderfully refreshing! The result is that I feel energetic and optimistic about the day. I have been thinking about lifestyle. I thought I had a physically and emotionally healthy lifestyle but it turns out there are some gaps. I have been using the chart I made a few weeks ago to keep track of my goals: exercise, healthy food/drink, peace of mind, relationships, and creativity. I like it for planning and for looking back to see how I spent my time. It's not that I document every piece of food or every minute of exercise...that would get oppressive for me. It's a general review of how I spent my time. Yesterday, I baked oatmeal peanut butter cookies, molasses cookies, and banana bread. Our kids are good to help us with tasks like tree trimming, pet care when we are out of town, furniture moving, roof work. I like to bake cookies for them sometimes in return....

I have two grandsons, both five years old, born within a week of each other. They each had their first day of kindergarten yesterday. I decided on my way to yoga this morning that I am going to emulate them in a couple of ways. Alex, quieter and not as demonstrative, gets so excited about everything but expresses it as "This is the best lunch ever! This is the best band ever! This is the best ice cream ever!" Today, walking home from yoga, I decided this is the best day ever. I slept until 7, mostly sound and restful sleep. I went to gentle yoga which I loved. So peaceful and energizing at the same time. I went for coffee with Michele, ran into several more friends, had a wonderful egg sandwich, saw lots of gold finches and sun flowers, and enjoyed the autumn-like breeze and lower temps. So there is my Alex emulation...the best day ever. Elliot is the louder and more demonstrative one. Every person he meets, he runs to and hugs with unabashed joy. He will stop what he is doin...

Joe Pye weed, pictured above.  Dusty mauve flowers on lanky stems, often visited by butterflies, it's a sign the end of summer is near. Sunflowers as tall as the porch roof. The county fair. The sheep and goats. Cheese curds. The dairy place with real strawberry ice cream...with real strawberries.  Geese. Every time we go for a walk now, they are winging their way to or back from a big pond somewhere. Probably Swan Lake.  Food. Even sweet corn is a harbinger of autumn. Tomatoes...we're going to make the tomato tart at least one more time. Peppers. Plan to stuff, grill and freeze them. Nothing tastes better in January than grilled peppers in an omelet. End of summer food. Sounds. No more tractor pulls and baseball games. The sound of Friday night football on the hill. Shorter days. Waking at 3 am, I have almost four hours of dark before the sun is fully up. By September, I am still awake when it gets dark. Food. Meatloaf and baked potatoes. Soup. Pot roast with...

We had a fine Labor Day party at Tom and Betty's with, as usual, lots of food, family, friends, and laughs. We were in the pool for a while, then the hot tub. The rain held off until we were done. Tom and Betty's backyard is so pretty...it looks tropical. Today feels like the first official day of autumn. Regis wore his Hawaiian shirt yesterday because he said the rule is no white shoes or Hawaiian shirts after Labor Day. Maybe he's right. I know I'm ready for the next season. I find it harder and harder to wear summer clothes, I'm starting to ignore my garden, and I have developed a hankering for meatloaf. All signs of fall. I can't wait to get my boots and sweaters out. I have a busy week coming up so I might not do anything today. I might stay in my pajamas until noon. I might bake bread. I might take a nap. Ah, the possibilities.