despair

I went to bed at 8:30 last night, when things started looking bleak. I put on an old flannel nightgown and a pair of warm socks and I crawled into bed with my Ian Rankin book. 

I trusted Nate Silver and the others who said this couldn't happen, but there it was, happening, like the pick-up truck going down the street flying the giant Trump flag. It was about the time school got out and I wondered how someone so young could have so much hate and fear.

I woke up at 4, writing in my head. Trying to express in an articulate way, what I was feeling. It can't be done today. I can't get past two sentences without descending into bitterness and sarcasm and blame. I feel betrayed, not only by the electorate but by individuals. 

I have unfriended and unfollowed people on Facebook. I get a visceral reaction when I read the hateful untruths they post and I can't help myself. It's like finding something vile in the corner of your living room; you pick it up by the corner and fling it out the door. I won't have that kind of ugly in my life.

I've heard people say it's just politics and it shouldn't come between friends. This is more than politics. This is world view. This is equality and fairness and justice. This is personal.

My cousin in Florida sent this to me this morning.

Dear Auntie Shirley, Teresa, Helen, and Deb.I went to sleep and woke up at 2:30 to a devastating defeat.I am sad. I am speechless. I am broken-hearted that America is not ready to elect and accept a woman president. I am concerned about our rights as women.i am concerned that we have returned to being made to feel and to being treated like we are less that we are. I am concerned about rights of LBGT community. I am concerned about all those potentially uninsured. I am concerned about families that may be gathered up and worse, split apart and deported with the path to citizenship down the drain. I am concerned that the NRA now has an even stronger foothold in American politics and will continue to protect the rights of irresponsible gun ownership. I am concerned for the environment because now business and jobs will take priority over our delicate environmental balance and conservation of our natural resources. I am so disturbed that the American voters did not see the wrong in dismissing the attitudes of a man who has not only admitted but also boasted about sexual assault.  With love and solidarity from Ana and me

I appreciate and admire my friends who can be hopeful this morning. All the wonderful folks on Pantsuit Nation who have shared their stories. Paula, who remains hopeful and strong always through difficult times. They are helping me stay afloat. I'm getting other emails from friends who feel similarly distraught and angry and we are trying to find hope together. I will get there...just not today.