sigh

Regis and I met with the PA at my surgeon's office yesterday. I was irritated that they hadn't returned my phone call about the pathology results. Once she started talking, I could see why they hadn't. Poor Jan who talked to us must have drawn the short straw. There are three pages of medical lingo which the oncologist will explain but which means possibly more surgery, most likely chemotherapy, and for sure radiation.

They were not cells that escaped during the biopsy. They were cells that had deliberately gone there and set up camp. Angry cells, bent on destruction. About to send more troops out to distant locations. Scouts with orders to set up more camps. I could say something about catching them before that happened, but I have learned this about optimism: It only goes so far.

It was a stunning conversation. When the medical professional gets tears in her eyes and grips your hands, you know you're in for it even if you don't know what IT is yet.

I did wear my ass kickin' boots even when I wore the lovely blue gown. I'm staring at the ceiling. It would be a nice picture if I weren't posing like a damn corpse. The crown helps, of course. I had to take it off because it was hard to get the boots and the crown in the picture...not enough space in the exam room.

I'm trying to mold my attitude. Lots of people get this and lots of people are fine later. I feel lucky that they found it and I feel lucky that I have such competent folks taking care of me. I feel lucky that I have such good family and so many good friends to support me. Regis is a saint. He empties my drain, makes me eggs, and has offered to cook the Thanksgiving dinner.

I hope some day I'll look back on this and think, "God, what a drama queen!"

As we left the hospital yesterday, I told Regis I wanted to pretend like things are fine until next week. I wanted to dodge questions and avoid the subject and not write about it on my blog and on Facebook. By the time we sat down to lunch, I had changed my mind. Not realistic at all. I decided to just be honest about the uncertainty and about my fears. I think it was the best decision.

So, all in all, this sucks but not as bad as some things suck. Day by day, we have decided. Regis has two good knees that should stand him in good stead as he waits around for my appointments. We have good insurance. We live close to great medical care. We have kids and friends around to help us. We have good food, a cozy house, and a sweet dog. Today...my favorite day.