The Blog: Spellbound by our own imperfect lives...

I don't know if I slept too much yesterday or if the evil forces in the universe were keeping me awake but I didn't sleep worth a damn last night. I think I was awake every hour, once retreating to the couch with a pillow and blanket. It ought to be a long day. Ella was here for a while before school which was a nice start to the day. She and PopPop went off to school just now. She's going sledding for PE today and was excited about that. We didn't go sledding in PE when I was a child but maybe the places where I went to school were too flat. Distinct possibility that. Peter is coming for a homemade breakfast at ten o'clock but suddenly I feel time compressing so we may have to go out for pancakes instead. I have a chemo appointment at 12:30...and dishes to do, groceries to put away, and a shower. Simple things feel overwhelming today. Yesterday I packed up all my little dishes that were on the shelf in the living room. I wanted to dust there and they were clu...

Last night I sat in this chair watching the sun go down and now here i am, waiting for it to come up. The only difference is the beverage. Even though Billy at the liquor store tells me that sauvignon blanc would make a great breakfast wine with its citrus tones, I think I'll stick to coffee in the morning. I heated a cup of yesterday's coffee in the microwave, waiting for the inspiration to make a new pot. Gus is taking his first nap of the day on the couch. I love that dog. A nap before 6 am is a thing to be admired. Yesterday I cleaned my cool mist humidifier. Who knew that thing could produce microorganisms that smell like old gym socks? I found, and read, the instruction manual which was helpful. It only took me a month to get that done. I love the smell of cinnamon all the time but this winter there seems to be something sublime about it. Whenever I open the cabinet and get a whiff of it, I have to search out the bag and inhale deeply. Ah, cinnamon. You make such wo...

I'm not going to give my daily agenda here and I can sense some of you may be breathing a sigh of relief. It's been a good day. I don't know where to give credit...maybe my potassium level...but I got some exercise, had breakfast with a friend at Guenther's, took a nap, did some reading and now I'm having a glass of wine and watching the winter sun go down. Cannot complain about any of that. Regis took Gus to the dog park. He was going to have a cold beer first but Gus started what we call "singing" so they went to the dog park first. Sometimes Gus sounds like those movies of dinosaurs where the brontosaurus is baying in the distance. This is not our dog but it sounds a lot like him, and it looks like him. Apparently, singing comes naturally to doodles. Don't watch until the end. A few seconds will give you the idea. Hahaha! Go, doodles! Hey, Karen. Regis and I both have Yaktrax....we just never have them on when we fall down. Funny about ...

Cocooning Cécile Veilhan The only time I left the house in three days was to meet my friend, Joanne, for a drink on Friday afternoon. I meant to go to the grocery store, but didn't. I meant to go for a walk, but didn't. Normally, this would make me crazy but for some reason, it didn't. I slept a lot and I read a lot. Another mystery by Colin Dexter, Anne Tyler's book Beginner's Goodbye , and The Last Afternoon at the Ritz . I finished one knitting project and started another. We watched a couple movies and the first installment of Sherlock which I didn't think I'd like but I did. I cooked quite a bit and I think I reported on that here before so I won't bore you with those details. The only thing I can add is an eggbake yesterday morning. After the nap. I talked to Tiffany (who has the flu) and Peter (who does not) over the weekend. I talked to their dad, Steve in Eagle Lake, Mom in Canby, and Deb, my cousin in Arizona. My brother, Bruce, calle...

Out of the last 48 hours, I have slept nearly 36 of them. It amounts to two good nights of sleep and several prolonged naps. It was blissful and I feel renewed and invigorated. Don't get any ideas about me cleaning the basement or sorting through our CD collection because that ain't happening but I might sit in the chair and knit today which requires more verticality than napping does. I even managed to do some cooking yesterday, between naps. Nothing fancy...chicken breasts, beef stew, corn meal muffins, sweet potatoes. Enough to provide good nutrition for a few days. Regis and I did our household chores yesterday so that means today is a day of rest. Ha! There's some irony for you. I wonder how I did squeeze in all that sleeping. Things are looking up. I feel more optimistic that spring will come, the ice will melt, I will feel better, and life will go on. There are days on the patio ahead, my friends! One of the nice side effects of all the sleeping is all the...

Deb sent me a lemon pound cake with lemon glaze made with lemons from their tree in Arizona. It tasted just like sunshine. The sun was shining when we woke up at 7:30 (I never sleep that late!) but now the clouds have covered it again. I have a list in my head of things I want to do today but it may get shortened. There is a lot of tidying up to do because Regis and I are not, by nature, the kind of people who put things away as we use them. Mittens, hats, boots... stuff collects here and there. I have dirty dishes in the sink, some laundry to finish, and some cooking to do. Probably not all going to happen. Our neighborhood is a mix of young and old but one street (and our house) is mostly folks who are retired, elderly, infirm, or all three. The other day, one of the youngest went to the hospital by ambulance with a heart attack. The others are trying to do the neighborly thing and keep their walks clean and dry. One neighbor pointed out to Regis a particularly icy patch wher...

I had blood work done yesterday then saw the oncologist. He said my counts (hemoglobin and white cells) are sliding slowly downward but it is not unexpected and not enough yet to postpone treatment a week. My potassium was also low. His advice: eat potassium rich foods, take naps, and cross my fingers on the white count. Time will fix that. I mentioned my general malaise and my brain problems to Judy. She was very reassuring on both fronts. She said there is research that shows cognitive changes occur between diagnosis and the onset of treatment, meaning that the memory and concentration issues are probably as much from dealing with the life-changing diagnosis as anything. She said cancer always brings thoughts of mortality and time and death...no matter what the prognosis...and that is stirring beneath the surface of my brain even if I am not aware of it. That's a sobering thought right there. The general malaise is also to be expected. The cumulative effect of weekly chemothe...

It's been a rough week, as I have complained to everyone who has asked and even a few who didn't ask. I tried not to be whiny but I think that only made it worse...building up the cranky chemicals and then the anxiety in my head until it was bound to cause something evil. My force field must have been sending out messages because I talked to my cousin, my daughter, my son, and my mom yesterday. All were very comforting. I'm up early to get ready to go for Paclitaxel #4. How much do I whine to Judy? She's pretty good at sorting out the real stuff from the garbage so I guess I'll just give it all to her. She and the doctor can decide. I'm not taking anything with me to do because I don't have the gumption to do anything. I'll be like one of the people I saw last week...fetal position beneath a white blanket. I told Regis I wished they had a treadmill in the treatment room so I could take a slow amble with the IV pole at my side. He said not blood...

The pizza party was fun even though I had slept the afternoon away and felt like a bear coming out of winter hibernation. Fuzzy in the head, slow and ambling. After dinner, Alex blew out his candle and wished for world peace. On Sunday, he wished to be able to open his presents and PopPop said, "What? No, world peace?" Last night, that was his wish. So funny what kids remember. It's 4 am and I think I feel better this morning. Last night, I imagined I was a strep carrier. (This was not completely out of left field. Is that the baseball expression? Or is it "out in left field"?) I thought that must be the explanation for the crappy way I have felt this week. I looked it up online, though, and I don't think that's it. I think it's a simple case of feeling crappy and being hyper-vigilant about how I feel and focusing on every little twinge. Bad combination. When I woke this morning and before I got out of bed, I started listing things in my head t...

Yesterday I spent much of the day in bed either reading or sleeping. When I stumbled out of the bedroom at 4 o'clock, I wondered what we would have for dinner. I had the ingredients, but not the wherewithal, to make stuffed peppers so we wandered over to Whiskey River. We could have been seated by the big windows to watch the snow fly in the 40 mph winds but we hunkered down in a corner booth with a glass of wine and a beer and contemplated comfort food. For Regis, that was the special, an Elvis burger. Peanut butter and banana slices on a hamburger. I had a chicken quesadilla that came on a nice bed of lettuce with fresh tomato salsa and cilantro. It was delicious. I'm awake early this morning and I can hear the wind howling outside again. There were whiteout conditions in parts of the state yesterday and last night. It's February 19th. Aren't we supposed to be reaching the end of this subzero stuff? Regis said three blizzards are predicted for the next few week...

Sometimes the anxieties only march around the bed in the middle of the night when I can't sleep but yesterday, they found me in the daylight hours. I've been feeling less than grand since my last treatment. I feel run down and wake up every morning with a headache and some weird sinus complaints. I'm cranky about things I can't do and things I don't feel like doing and things I have to do. I sleep a lot then feel bored by sleeping. I was going to pick Elliot up at daycare on Tuesday. His mama had an appointment at the U for her thyroid issues so I was glad to help for a few hours. I had plans for a birthday pizza party for Alex who is turning four on Tuesday. Little pizzas from Papa Murphy's, lots of play and books and fun. Elliot had to go to Urgent Care in the morning where he was diagnosed with influenza B. Shit. No appointment Tuesday. No daycare all week. No pizza party for Elliot, Alex, and Ella. Then the door of my closet of anxieties flew open...

I am really touched when people send me snow angels. These three came from my cousin (second cousin?) in Wisconsin. I love the real snow angel at the top. She will be happier in the spring when she is surrounded by daffodils rather than snow, but she's cute just the same. This is one of Michelle's little ones, Benjamin, making a snow angel. Looks like they have nice fluffy snow. Ours is mostly ice and hardened black slush...doesn't make such pretty snow angels Perfect! Sometimes the formatting on blogger makes me insane. Why it insists on leaving those big gaps is a mystery. The other day it would not let me save a couple pictures of the pope. Well, actually one was the pope in a long white coat and the other was a gentleman of the evening in a similar long white coat. I figured it was a conspiracy of some kind and finally gave up in despair. I've decided to pare my life down even closer to its core. This round of Paclitaxel is kicking me hard. I...

I slept until 8 o'clock then came out to the living room to have coffee with Regis. Big snowflakes are falling out the window. Gus is napping on the couch but sneaks into my chair every time I vacate for a moment We had friends over for dinner last night and I was too tired to clean up the mess so the table is full of dishes and wine glasses but I don't care. That can wait. We had hoped to go out to see some live music tonight...an old people's set from 7-10...but in thinking about it more, we expect it to be crowded so probably won't try it. If by some miracle there are only two cars in front of Patrick's, then maybe. Regis read that the threat of flu is waning but old people and those of us with compromised immune systems are still at risk. He says I shouldn't let down my guard. Dammit. Today I will restore the kitchen to some order. I have the energy for that this morning. I'll take a walk in the fresh winter air, not going anywhere quickly...jus...

Here I am getting my third Paclitaxel treatment. All went well in spite of my certainty that the chemicals were not going into the vein but free-floating around under my skin. It took two nurses to convince me otherwise. Don't ask me where that notion was born...I have no idea. Tom and Betty gave me the little bear for my 60th birthday. He rides to chemo in my bag every week. I like to take little totems that represent people I love with me to chemo. I always take a jar of Vicks for my mom. I've taken poems, pictures, books, cards, and coffee cups...you just never know. I usually take a couple things to do, my knitting, a book to read, cards to write but I find with the big hit of Benedryl they give me that I just like to sit and relax. I wish I could sleep. Yesterday, I came back from dragging my IV pole to the bathroom with me and as I looked around the room, everyone was curled up under a while blanket, asleep. It looked like a scene from the movie Coma and my first r...

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I remember saying that I didn't want it to dominate my life. I didn't only want to write about cancer, I didn't want to wear pink, and I didn't want any part of a support group. You know. I wanted cancer to play a bit part in my life. I expected to heal from the surgery in a week or so and pretty much go on with my pre-cancer normal life only with chemotherapy treatments. It didn't work out that way. There are so many constant reminders of cancer: my bald head, the scarf repertoire, the itchy skin and search for products to relieve that side effect, the humidifier, the dry eyes...the list goes on and on and on, each thing on the list is minor but a daily reminder. Even though I feel preoccupied with cancer, I don't feel burdened by it. I'm not sad and I'm not afraid. I figure everybody has to deal with something and this happens to be my thing right now. I read. I bake. I knit. I have cancer. So, o...

The pope is retiring. Presumably to live happy, wild, and free. If I were him, I would be happiest to be shed of that ridiculous chapeaux. It has those long tails on the back to help stabilize your head. I do like the wand. It's no wonder the guy wants to quit, all that heavy shit he has to carry around. Really. What is up with the oomp loompa outfits? I don't what looks sillier...the guys in all the stripes and red feathers or the old dude in the pink beanie. You have to agree, this is bad fashion magic. I admit to spending some time this morning looking at funny pictures of the pope and his tribe. Here's a blog you can check out for more photos and some commentary. The whole process fascinates me...the voting, the puffs of black smoke, then ta da! the puff of white smoke when a new pope has been elected. New, ah, bath tissue we are giving a try. Bath tissue? Anyway, you can see at the bottom that it's made from sugar cane husks and bamboo which gives ...

My high school friend, Peg, sent this snow angel! Thousands of people flap their arms and legs in unison, creating angel imprints, during a world record attempt for the most snow angels, in Bismarck, N.D., Saturday, Feb. 17, 2007. Organizers said they believe almost nine thousand people took part in the event. The previous world record was 3,784. (AP Photo/Will Kincaid)  Regis took these pictures of the birds at our feeder yesterday. Those cardinals are there for you, Deb! So, even though it's icy and cold, we are not suffering. We had a wonderful day yesterday. It was so gloomy and depressing in the morning with the freezing rain that we went back to bed. Richie, the chili fairy, left a bowl of chili on the step along with a box of crackers. She's like meals on wheels! Nice...take a nap and lunch appears on your front step. I got dressed in a long skirt and fancy shoes, then made beef stew and pretzel brownies. I had time to take a nice long nap in the aft...

The yellow orb in the sky is called the sun. It's what makes grass grow in summer and ice melt in winter. It helps us know when night is over and day is breaking. It helps us get out of bed in the morning and keeps us from jumping off the Minnesota River bridge during the endless winter. We haven't seen the sun in quite a while. Last Tuesday, I was making snow angels in the yard and held my position for a while to watch the clouds pass in the blue sky. All of a sudden, it was all gray again. That was the last sighting of the sun. Every day the damn weather forecasters (also known as agents of the devil) say it will be partly cloudy or partly sunny or 50% chance of partly sunny to partly cloudy. Some bullshit. It's just a tease. Don't fall for it. In the absence of sun in the winter, I will take a blizzard. A good, old-fashioned three days blizzard where you can't possibly get your car out of the driveway so you trudge to the bar to make sure your friends a...

 Me at exercise class. Gus in the morning. He has such a happy face. Regis in his Regis University cap driving us to exercise class. I slept for two hours yesterday afternoon, went to bed at 9 and slept until 9:30 this morning. I'm having trouble feeling alert, even after two cups of coffee. We exercised yesterday morning, had breakfast at Guenther's, then I had a two hour massage by a friend down the street. Oh, my. It was like being transported. Hence, the two hour nap. We were invited to have dinner last night with Anders and Judie. Such a good meal, great company, and a very relaxing time. We always have so many things to talk about and I can feel Jan's spirit in the house...all her books, her glassware, her presence. All in all, a most pleasant day. I talked to Mom this morning, Ella is coming to make Valentines, and Regis says he is going to the store to get the fixings for Peanut Butter Pretzel Brownies. It's all his favorite flavors...

I survived my second treatment of Paclitaxel just fine. The benedryl makes me lethargic but not enough to sleep sitting up in a brightly lit room. I've been getting inquiries about how I am really doing which makes me think I am either not doing as well as I think I am or I am not communicating it to the people who are not blog readers. This morning, I wrote a letter that I can send to friends and family who may not have the detail they want. Breast cancer is a big disease with a huge range of kinds and severity. I'll reproduce it here for anyone who is a recent subscriber and has an aversion to archives. If you're curious, reading through November and December is the best illustration of the evolution of my acceptance of my diagnosis. Here you go. Skip this if you are up-to-date. (Don't you love how I think everybody wants to know this? I don't really. I just don't want people to worry when there is no reason.) Friends and Family, After getting a few q...

I walked downtown yesterday morning for the fresh air and exercise. Mostly I walked in the street because the sidewalks are treacherous. I walked like a penguin and watched every footfall. I was careful. Everyone says to be careful but that doesn't have much to do with it. One second you're vertical and the next second, you're horizontal. Not like you say to yourself, "Hell. I'm going to take a chance and shuffle fast!" Behind Ace Hardware I met my Waterloo. One second I was up, vertical and chugging along just fine and the next second, I was down horizontal. Nothing broken but I have a bruise on my hip. When I told the story at the coffee shop, they thought I should have a ride home but I declined and I made it safely back to my abode. I stopped at the Pulse to see Rachel, at Culligan to see Kris and Gus, ran into Anders RM on the street and heard about his new adventure, went to Sew Boutique to see Kay who made me two lovely port pillows. I went to My ...

I haven't done much today. We laid in bed a long time watching the snow and drinking coffee. When I finally got up, I did my household tasks (you know...garbage, recycling, dishes) and then I went back to bed to read. When I got up from that siesta, I went outside to shovel the walk while Regis used the snow blower on the driveway. It didn't take long so I made three snow angels and took pictures of them. It was so warm that I laid in the snow for a while and watched the clouds roll by. The sun felt good on my face and I realized how much I enjoy doing nothing. I sat on the steps for a while until Regis finished, then went back in to read. I've done some knitting, read some more, posted a couple things on the social media, and brought in the mail which was a waste of time. Tomorrow, I am planning to walk downtown to do a few things. I made it sound like the joy of doing nothing was some kind of revelation. It wasn't. I have always had the nature that appreciates no...

I'm a turtle. I should dig my way under the snow and dirt to hibernate the rest of the winter and only come out when the warm sun shines. Seriously, It's about what I am doing...without the digging. I spent Friday, Saturday, and Sunday in the house except for a brief outing to the winery and one to buy a few groceries. The more troublesome part of this being housebound is that I didn't mind it. I took naps, I read books, I watched movies, I talked to friends and family on the phone. What if I actually had to round up some ambition and do something? Regis went to the first half of a super bowl party but I stayed home since there were germs abounding. I ate part of a little frozen pizza (I get a craving for frozen pizza once a decade or so...) and watched Inspector Lewis on television. Regis and I are going to exercise this morning even though he has the general malaise from low hemoglobin and I have the metabolism of a turtle. He's calling one of his ologists today...

This is a holiday whose meaning escapes me. I think the story goes that if Phil sees his shadow, we'll have six more weeks of winter which they always make sound like a bad thing. Here, if winter ended mid-March, we'd all be picnicking in the park on St. Patrick's Day and that ain't bloody likely. Some years they have to cancel the parade due to snow storms. The stuff they call news now is amazing. The other day while exercising, I watched the Today Show which I remember as having some real interviews and real news. Four people sat on a low wall and yucked about this and that as they watched a clip of the president and the secretary of state. The conversation was about their body language and if it indicated she would be on the presidential ticket in 2016. That's some heavy duty news. And that football player with the made-up girlfriend. You can't walk by a tv without seeing a story about that. It's all very weird. As expected, I slept the day away ...

                                   I knew I would feel better today and I do. Regis and I are both very pragmatic when it comes to shit that comes down the pike. You either do it or you don't but you don't do it and complain about it for six months. So, the weekly taxol and daily radiation just become my hobby for a while. I find things to enjoy about going there so I look forward to it, I get dressed up and put on make-up and a fancy hat...and I just do it. Once in a while I need a can of whoop ass, but not often. I'm planning to have a beautiful garden this year. I should be able to start working in the dirt about the time the radiation starts so I'll go to radiation, then I'll work in the garden. I'm anxious to start riding my bike again. I think I'll have Regis put the rack on the back of the car so I can explore some more distant bike paths. Exercise in the fresh air and sunshine is al...