The Blog: Spellbound by our own imperfect lives...

Mostly, it has been a good month. I've seen lots of old friends, eaten at some wonderful restaurants, and had a lot of laughs. Mostly, it has been a good month. Where has October gone? I had periods where I was active and enjoying myself...then I had periods where I felt like this. Yesterday was one of those. Like the picture. Early morning, I felt stunned and sad. Weary. I haven't written my gratitude list or sat with my light therapy for almost a week. I haven’t exercised much. I was signed up to sub in the afternoon but I didn't feel like leaving the house. I wanted to go back to bed. I haven’t been reading. I haven’t been doing much of anything. I feel crazy and frantic. I haven’t written on my blog. I don’t answer the phone. Later, I am feeling better. I am sitting in front of my computer and light therapy lamp. I am looking at my rune book, my gratitude list, and a poem. I am looking at my notebook of lists.  I drew a rune from the bag and got the rune...

I'm starting this autumn morning with coffee and a pumpkin muffin. The fireplace is on, jazz on the radio, Woodrow wreaking havoc on our sleepy household. I made these muffins yesterday using  this recipe from Fine Cooking . The recipe is for bread but I made them into big muffins. I doubled the recipe (but did not double the sugar and honey) and it made 12 large muffins. I added craisins and pecans. The recipe calls for olive oil instead of butter which is interesting. I think they are some of the best muffins I've had. The smell of cinnamon and nutmeg and pumpkin....oh, my. Old Regis and Young Regis put the patio furniture away yesterday and moved the snowblower to the front of the garage. I will miss the patio. We almost live out there in the summer..coffee in the morning, wine in the evening. Such a peaceful place. We aren't done with leaf gathering. The city came to pick up our leaves on the boulevard on the 21st. That night we had a hard frost and the leaves ...

I am better hinged today. I spent yesterday taking care of myself and cultivating compassion and love for myself. I've been reading a self-help book...can you tell? We went to the Pulse today, then I went to therapy for EMDR, then we went to Patrick's for a cheeseburger in honor of Pat Mayer's National Cheeseburger Day. I came home to take a deep and dreamless nap. I was exhausted. So, it's 4 o'clock and I am back in my pajamas. I don't have the energy to get up and turn the radio on or pour a glass of wine.

We loaded up the family and went to the pumpkin patch yesterday. It was so cold and rainy and windy that it was a little hard to enjoy but the kids had fun. As you can see...no shortage of pumpkins. I've been a little unhinged lately...just not feeling right in the head. I went to see Mary yesterday and she was not surprised based on what we talked about last week and what we are processing. I keep reading and searching and thinking I should be able to find the answer myself. Mary laughed and said why don't you try to take your own gall bladder out, Teresa? I guess that analogy makes sense. I haven't been writing much and I can't seem to get much done. After my splurge of purging, I ran out of steam. It will come back, I know, but I am tried of moving the same pile of clothes around in our bedroom. Why don't I just put them away? Regis went off to work today and I am alone with my thoughts. I am going to do things to treat myself well tod...

Tomorrow (probably today) is the birthday of Jim Hughes, my old neighbor. He died about this this time last year in a horrid accident on 169. Sometimes, it is hard to grasp that people I knew are gone. Gone. Tonight I made a call to old friends about the death of their father, Andy, who I can only remember as young and feisty and a force in the universe. How can he be dead at almost 90 years old? All day, the word compassion comes to my mind. Here I sit. Middle of the night. Kitty running around the house up and over tables and me. Wine glass full. Fireplace glowing. Jazz on the radio. No place to go in the morning. I'm reading a book called How to Wake Up by Toni Bernhard. It's a wonderful book. Going to bed. Even Woodrow has exited the building. It smells like fall in our house. How nice.

We made a road trip with Tom and Betty yesterday. We drove to New Ulm for dinner at George's. We lingered a long time over appetizers, wine, and dinner. George came over to tell a joke. We had all heard it before, we knew it involved Spanky from the Little Rascals, but not one of us could remember the word that started with D or the punchline. That was almost funnier than the joke once we were able to retrieve it from our dusty old mental shelves. On the way home, we stopped at the Crow Bar in Courtland. The other five patrons were all wearing camouflage which gives an odd ambiance. Of course, I had to have my picture taken with the cardboard cut-out. Not so much going on today. I'm going to walk downtown to meet my friend, Kris, for coffee or lunch. The sun is shining. I have things to do so I better get out of my chair and get moving. Later...Woodrow's great escape.

In our neighborhood, there is some competition to see who can keep their grass the greenest and tidiest in the summer, who can rake their leaves first in the spring and fastest in the fall, who gets their sidewalk shoveled first after a snowstorm. We usually choose not to participate. If we do happen to participate, it's an accident. I have an inclination toward oppositional behavior and if someone tells me I can't keep my garbage dumpster in front of my garage, I am all the more inclined to do it. I would not fare well in a neighborhood that had convenants. Regis and I are thinking of buying a pickup camper and moving to Arizona to live in an asphalt retirement village. Hysterical laughter. That would be the second to the last thing we would do. The last thing we would do is to drive down the highway in an RV the size of our current home. Age is such a funny thing. A young friend of mine, one who babysat for my children when they were small, said something about being mi...

Those are nautical terms for specific kinds of debris in the ocean. The picture is not of debris from the ocean, but debris it is. I have been on a mission the past few months to rid my life of clutter. It started in the garden and commenced in the house about three weeks ago. I worked hard on this pile last week so it would be ready for the thrift store folks by Thursday. In case you are curious about the words: Flotsam is floating wreckage of a ship or its cargo. Jetsam is part of a ship, its equipment, or its cargo that is purposefully cast overboard or jettisoned to lighten the load in time of distress and that sinks or is washed ashore. Lagan is cargo that is lying on the bottom of the ocean, sometimes marked by a buoy , which can be reclaimed. Derelict is cargo that is also on the bottom of the ocean, but which no one has any hope of reclaiming. So, there you go. I see (online dictionary) the phrase flotsam and jetsam also means worthless encumbrances. That's what is i...

Regis and I have been marching around the house the last few days, singing the Mighty Mouse theme song. God knows how we can remember this goofy song from fifty years ago when so many things drift from our age-addled brains. Evidence, I guess, that the stuff that gets in there when you're really young never goes away. Regis performed a wedding ceremony yesterday at the Ney Nature Center in Henderson. It was a gorgeous setting but so cold and windy that I was practically numb. The bridesmaids wore little strapless gowns and I'm sure their legs were blue by the end of the ceremony. Ella went along because she loves weddings and likes to take pictures. Ella and Nana at the Ney Nature Center overlooking the Minnesota River  Ella was making funny faces for the camera! The photographer took this picture of us together. Ella took this photo of me. I think I look mysterious. Like a WWII espionage agent. Beautiful wedding! That's Ella...

Regis took these because, of course, he had to get out of the car. It would be hard to perform a wedding from inside a car. Hey, maybe that's a service we could provide...drive through weddings.

Yesterday was very windy, about 40 mph with gusts up to 50. We went to a wedding rehearsal at a beautiful spot but this was the only photo I took and it's not a good one because I wouldn't get out of the car. I did venture out to the porta john once but between the wind and the walnut covered ground, it was an adventure. I almost turned back. I hate wind. I hate the feel of it but I also hate the sound of it. I don't like to be in the living room on windy days because you can see the trees blowing every which way. It's disturbing. I'm sure, had I lived in a cabin on the prairie, I would have gone insane. I am grateful for our cozy little house. We went to the Roadhaus in Henderson after for another adventure. There was a fairly raucous Friday afternoon happy hour crowd and the music was loud but we had fun. I ran into my exercise friend, Christine with her kids, celebrating a birthday. It was a two-hug meet-up. It's such a small world, really. I am par...

In an effort to be more mindful of our spending, I looked at my BCBS account online. Scary. From October 1, 2012 to the current date, I'm betting I had a $100,000 year. There were two days alone that topped $25,000. I had a grand total of 110 medical claims last year. I'm surprised they don't put a hit out on me. The picture was taken last night. I was talking to my friend, Karen in NJ, and maybe I was too loud. Woodrow looks like he is plugging his ear. He loves this new bed, Betty! We have been working hard to be a tiny bit more productive. Every morning we come in the office and look at our financials (not as complex as it sounds) and our calendar and then we make a list. A short list because we know that the longer the list, the less likely it is to be completed. Last night, just when I turned the light off, Woodrow decided to play with the beads hanging from the edge of my lamp. He tipped the lamp over, got stuck inside, and dumped my water bottle all over th...

An ordinary day. I love ordinary days. It's John Prine Day on Shufflefunction. Sweet way to start the day. Although we did hoot when one of the guests said Highway 61 builds to the "earth shattering orgasm of Desolation Row". I requested Dear Abby and heard it on the way to school. I'm going to sub at the high school but I feel rooted to my chair and my coffee cup and so it doesn't sound all that interesting at this moment. It's only half a day but I suppose they wouldn't appreciate it if I didn't show up. I'm continuing my de-cluttering jag. Yesterday I cleaned out two man-drawers in the kitchen...tools, random nails, assorted glue, and other substances of unknown origin. I don't like to throw things out unless they get the nod from the man who put them there. I have thrown out valuable shit before, let me tell you. Later... I had a fine time subbing at the high school in a middle level special ed classroom. Nice kids, good notes f...

This is evidence of my urge to purge. I spent about four hours yesterday and again today, going through things, pitching, making piles, sorting, organizing. From whence did all this shit this come? I have another giant pile in the basement. Clothes from all my phases. My "hey, this fits...buy it" phase to my "slutty old gal" phase to my current "contemporary grandma" phase. I'm sure when the folks come on the 17th to pick up our stuff, they will think someone died here because a currently alive person would never need all those clothes. Of course, I kept my favorites like the long white alpaca scarf. You would think I would be done by now but I'm not. There are still many, many piles and shelves of junk to explore and dump. Regis is nervous. I'm thinking of changing my station from the leopard chair to the new leather chair and a half. It's closer to the fireplace and I could hide my stash of necessary items....nai...

1 cup butter, softened 1 and 1/2 cups white sugar 1 egg 1 and 1/2 tablespoons of molasses (I might leave this out next time. Overpowered the cinnamon flavor.) 2 and 1/4 cups flour 1 and 1/8 teaspoons baking soda 1 tablespoon cinnamon Preheat oven to 350 degrees Cream together butter and sugar Mix in egg and molasses, blending well Mix flour, baking soda, and cinnamon. Add to creamed mixture. Drop by teaspoonful onto ungreased cookie sheet. Bake for 10-12 minutes. Cookies are quite soft when they come out of the oven. I let them sit on the pan for a few minutes to settle.

I've been thinking about scars.  A scar results from the biological process of  wound  repair in the skin and other  tissues  of the body. Thus, scarring is a natural part of the  healing  process. For a long time after my cancer surgery, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror because it was a person I didn't recognize. I have an ugly where the tumor was removed, an ugly scar where the lymph nodes were removed, and a chemo port that stuck out on my chest like a radio knob. The scars were difficult to see. They were wounds. They meant I had cancer and that was painful. I have been thinking about scars on my house, too. Every time I go through the curtain to the back porch, I see the little stain from Elliot's chocolate-covered baby hands. There's a nick on one of my cupboard doors where it hits the clock. I have squeaky doors and my furniture has marks that remind me of holidays where plastic trucks driven by little boys hit the legs. All sign...

I read once that if you write often, you start to think like a writer. I often sift events of the day through my blog post filter. Too many times they drift away before I get them written down. I know I woke up this morning thing of something that would be a good topic but by the time I was done with all the morning start-up chores...nada. We had a splendid weekend. We went to a wedding in Madison Lake of some young friends, Sam and Jessica. We met Sam about five years ago when he worked at Cedar's Grille. He was so friendly and personable that we often went there just to see him. Eventually, we met his girlfriend and got to know about his family and his dream to buy the Silver Dollar in Ghent, near my hometown. Ella went to the wedding with us because she loves to dress up and she loves weddings. She started to cry early in the service, during the heavy Catholic stuff) and said she wanted to leave because it was sad. I told her I thought she was overcome with emotion rath...

The subject line seemed right today. We'll get to that later. Last night I went to election judge training. There was a whole crowd of Q-tips there which surprised me and I was instantly overwhelmed. I had about fifty hand-outs in my packet and we were told many horror stories of mistakes made which resulted in lawsuits, what to do if a felon tries to vote, and what to do if a dead person is in the roster book. A totally up-lifting evening. That's a government job for you...not much fun and shitty wages. At least we aren't furloughed yet. I posted this next photo on Facebook. Several people thought it was me as I have tights like that, and pointy toed shoes. It is also not inconceivable that I would have a drink in my hand. It is not, sadly, me in the picture but Regis and I think we can set one up like this and we shall. Woodrow and Gus are a constant source of amusement around here. At the moment, Woodrow is galloping across Regis's desk and making...

I really don't know how I found time to work in my previous life. This week, like most, has flown past us. It seems like there are many things to do every day. If you are poised on the brink of retirement, don't delay. Do it. There are many, many interesting things to fill your time. These are my new glasses. I realize...not to everyone's taste so if they are not to yours, keep it to yourself. Smile. I love them. Bold. Colorful. Clear on top. Readers on the bottom. And only 40 bucks from Zenni online. Why would I pay $600 to an eye doc clinic for that? We are getting the biggest kick out of our pets. Woodrow makes me laugh out loud as he goes in and out of boxes, chases the feather toy, leaps into the air and does a half gainer, and lands with his back arched. He would make a mighty hunter if he didn't weigh two pounds. I decided to be an election judge this year for the school district election. I'll be at a polling place for folks outside of...