The Blog: Spellbound by our own imperfect lives...

I'm sitting here this morning with my sun lamp, my abundance bowl, my runes, and my gratitude journal. I drew the rune Othila. It means to ask yourself what is right for you and act according to the light you now possess in your life. I'm going to take a long walk today and ponder that. Maybe I'll go up to GAC and walk the labyrinth.  I ordered a book today for a friend of mine who lost her husband suddenly yesterday. It can be terrifying to think how fast life can change. Be grateful for each moment. Woodrow always gets up with me, then does some exploring. This morning he dragged a three foot long cat toy into bed with Regis. He was not welcome there with his purple feather toy. For such a sweet kitten, he has a cranky sounding meow. I have to revise my exercise plan. I have been lifting weights and doing planks only to find out that those were not the right things to do with lymphedema which I didn't even know I had until yesterday. Hot tubs...also verboten. H...

Just my opinion, but I think Black Friday is a crime against humanity. That is craziness. I read that some people had been camped out for ten days so they could be the first into the store. There is nothing I want that badly. We had a splendid day yesterday. I only felt insane for about an hour...right before we ate. So many things going on and so many things to do. I had a lot of help in the kitchen and that was wonderful. A couple things didn't work out...the reduction for the pig wings failed and the bottom of the apple pie was soggy, but everything else was good. Zoey and Elliot had a good time playing together. So good to have Tiffany and Elliot with us. Gus likes to be involved in everything! And I was saying...it's a good thing our people like dogs! Here's the whole crew. Pumpkin, peanut butter, and apple pie. This is the month of letting go. Letting go of distractions, letting go of possessions, letting go of needs, and...

Betty brought this kitty bed over for Woodrow yesterday. He has hardly left it since it arrived...only to eat and use the litter box. He peeks over the side once in a while with one eye open to check on the action but he has been very content there. Thanks, Betty! Here I am in my pre-Thanksgiving mess! Apple pie! I'm writing a quick blog post early on Thanksgiving morning. I have been busy this week: cooking, walking, reading, and planning our feast. here is our menu: Turkey breast Andouille corn bread dressing Traditional bread stuffing Pig wings w/dipping sauces Mashed potatoes and gravy Squash Green bean casserole Cranberry sauce Apple sauce Pickled Beets- Habanero Pickles- Green Beans Buns Pumpkin pie~Chocolate pie~Apple pie There are usually last minute changes because I ran out of time or interest. Pumpkin truffles went by the wayside this year. I think I'm the only one who likes them anyway.  Regis and I went to the...

I finally did go back to sleep deeply until 9 am but then I felt foggy and lazy until 11. I went to lunch with Regis and Alex, took a nap, and have been staring into space ever since I woke up. This is no way to sleep. Woodrow is sleeping on the chair next to me. He's got the right idea...sleep the day away. I should be up and doing things for the holiday Thursday but I can't make myself move. I am slogging through jello today. One step at a time. I'll tackle the kitchen first. Maybe put the big table up and start getting out my dishes. That will help me get in the mood.

There is a lot of unrest at our house tonight. It's 4 am and we have been awake for hours. All of us: Gus, Woodrow, Regis, me. My hypothesis is that it's the wind. Even though the noise machine is on, I can hear the wind and it's unsettling. It could be forces in the universe, which is how my doctor explained it. It does seem like sometimes sleepless nights are universal. I'm sitting here in the semi-dark with Woodrow on my lap purring. Woodrow is purring, not me, although if someone would clean up my kitchen and make me a cup of coffee, I would gladly purr. I laid in bed for two hours, reading, trying to go back to sleep, trying one sleeping position after another...and finally gave up and got out of bed. Gus has asked to go outside already, then waited by his dish. He thinks it's morning, too. Of course, when it gets dark at 4:30, twelve hours later ought to be daylight. I get that. Today will be a peaceful day if I can avoid the wind. I have holiday t...

I'm sitting at Tandem Bagels, eating a bagel and drinking coffee. Beautiful morning. I like to sit in the window and watch people go past. Regis will be here soon. After an appointment downtown, I'll walk up the hill to see my Mayo team for a follow-up appointment. I have no complaints or concerns except that I seem to be asymmetrical. Yeah, that asymmetrical thing is lymphedema. I see a physical therapist for that. I was afraid I had caused the poofiness on that side with my exercise or my planks but it's a side effect of surgery and radiation on the lymph nodes. Not unusual for it to show up a year or more later. Otherwise, the doc was happy with my exercise, my bloodwork, and my exam. It was good to see Judy and Dr. Cockerill but it was a little creepy to be there, watching the first-timers. I remember so clearly the first time I walked in there and saw the cancer posters. I thought holy hell, what am I doing here? The little light went on... The bench in ...

Permission Granted by David Allen Sullivan You do not have to choose the bruised peach or misshapen pepper others pass over. You don't have to bury your grandmother's keys underneath her camellia bush as the will states. You don't need to write a poem about your grandfather coughing up his lung into that plastic tube—the machine's wheezing almost masking the kvetching sisters in their Brooklyn kitchen. You can let the crows amaze your son without your translation of their cries. You can lie so long under this summer shower your imprint will be left when you rise. You can be stupid and simple as a heifer. Cook plum and apple turnovers in the nude. Revel in the flight of birds without dreaming of flight. Remember the taste of raw dough in your mouth as you edged a pie. Feel the skin on things vibrate. Attune yourself. Close your eyes. Hum. Each beat of the world's pulse demands only that you feel it. No thoughts. Just the single syllable: Yes ... See the homeless wom...

Since we started walking together about a month ago, Deb and I have walked almost 40 miles together. It always goes fast. The only problem now is the wind. We can withstand some nasty cold temps but with the wind in your face, it's hard to get your mouth to move. I'm moving slowly this morning. My rune today is the symbol for the wild ox. I imagine that is not an animal that moves quickly so I am in the zone. Things have been disappearing around our house and I'm blaming Woodrow. Any shiny thing left about will be found behind a dresser or under the table. I have had to remove all decorative things that are breakable from high places. He's like having a 7 foot tall two-year old. Nothing is safe. Today, I am baking squash, cookies, pumpkin muffins, and maybe an apple pie. Ella is coming to help. Here is the reason I love Thanksgiving Day...lots of family and friends who are family, good food, fun cooking, goofy photos, pets.

Whenever I bend over to do something (checking the litter box here), Woodrow leaps onto my back and rides around as long as I will walk this way. It ain't easy being me. Eventually I just have to straighten up so he'll jump off. Crazy cat. I'm busy this morning working on my list of three habits to focus on in December. I'm keeping exercise on the list and changing the other two. I'm revising my loving kindness meditation. So much work to do on the spirit level. We went to exercise this morning. I have done a plank for three minutes two times but it's a killer and I was wrecked for anything else. I think I'll stick to shorter times. I'm headed out for a walk with Deb. It's colder than a well digger's ass as my dad used to say. But we'll bundle up and give it a whirl. We're taking the upper route today where it is usually windier. The treaty site trail is nice but there may be hunters in the woods and I don't want to be mistak...

I have had a peaceful week. I start the day with my morning routine, I plan a time to exercise, I walk with Deb when we are both available, I read, I write. All very healing. One of my favorite things about retirement is that I don't feel the need to be busy all the time. I like to say no to lots of things. I enjoy having time to sit at the window with my coffee, to meet friends, to watch birds, and to do nothing. Next week, I am planning to think mostly about Thanksgiving. We thought it would be a small group but it has grown a bit and I am glad for that. Last night, Woodrow decided he liked sitting on Regis's shoulder while he walks around the house. At least Regis gets to be upright. When Woodrow wants a ride from me, I have to bend over so he can sit on my back. I'm subbing this afternoon in one of my favorite classrooms. It will be a nice way to end the week. Then Regis and I will motor to Mankato for his appointment. We'll stop somewhere for dinner on ou...

My tattoo. Othila: radical separation. Wunjo: The term of travail has ended. Ehwaz: Enough progress has been made to feel safe and sure. Berkana: Rebirth and growth. The font is more like this. More runic. I'll have Regis take a picture of it when it heals more and doesn't look so much like a prison tattoo. And Gerry is right...I am already thinking of another one. This is Perth...the one I wrote about yesterday. I love ginko leaves and would probably just do one in black outline. So, there you go. My spiritual quest. The renewal of my self. I wonder sometimes how I made it through the last year. Not only the breast cancer, but all the other crap thrown into the vortex made it very hard to see clearly. Dark side and light side...always conflicting. So good to feel peaceful and content now. Regis and I went to the gym today. There is a strange woman who comes in, turns the television on blaringly loud even before she takes her coat off. She goes ...

In the past two days, I have seen four eagles soaring over the Minnesota River Valley. (Clearly I did not take this photo out the window of a moving car with my phone.) One, I saw on a walk at the treaty site and three yesterday on a drive home from Mankato. This morning, this is the rune I drew from the bag. It's Perth and indicates that deep inner transformational forces are at work. Becoming whole is not easily achieved or readily shared. This rune is symbolized by the eagle's soaring flight, free from entanglement, lifting the self above the endless ebb and flow of ordinary life to acquire a broader vision. How's that for some irony? I am continuing my mission to sort and move and organize. These tubs are all empty! The porch will be civilized by Thanksgiving Day so we don't have to be embarrassed to have people sit there. Betty, look at the red cabinet by the front door. I see the pictures are a little crooked. Ah, well. This is a tv cabine...

The moon was full last night. I'm not sure if the sky was clear enough to see it because I was sleeping, a deep and dreamless sleep. Woodrow tucked in the crook of my arm, Gus stretched out on the end of the bed, Regis sleeping silently beside me. Everyone should have such peace and contentment. I'm reading a book called The Goldfinch. I wasn't sure I would like it and almost quit about three chapters into it. I like it better now and have grown attached to the main character which is what it takes for me. No action...just good characters. We had a busy day yesterday but it included a nap so how busy can that be? I made my full of fruit and bran and nuts muffins. No sugar. Not to everyone's taste so don't expect to come here and be served one. They kind of taste like something you might crumble into the bird feeder. I've been working on my Thanksgiving menu and grocery list. We avoid the grocery store the week of Thanksgiving because people are fucking ...

These are the runes I would like to have tattooed on my wrist. Just the symbol...not the stone. And maybe one of these. Just the leaf...not the whole shebang. And I am thinking of putting it on my right wrist...just at the top of my hand. Like this. I have enlisted the assistance and advice of an artist I know and I have asked many friends who have tattoos. I don't want something that looks like I did it myself in prison. Something subtle and tasteful. If you are reading this and have advice, I would be interested in hearing it as long as it isn't don't do it. I have heard the arguments about sagging old lady tattoos and I don't care about that. At this point in my life, I want a visible symbol of my journey. At one time I had a vision of a tattoo of a naked man riding a dragon. I'm not sure where that came from but I'm glad it drifted out of my consciousness. I have a quiet day planned. We're going to drink coffee, exerc...

Ehwaz. A rune of transition and movement. There is about this rune a sense of gradual development and steady progress, with the accompanying notion of slow growth through numerous shifts and changes. A relationship also needs to undergo changes and transformation if it is to maintain growth and life. I have progressed far enough to feel a measure of safety, of surety in my position. It is time to turn again and face the future. I went to Mankato with Regis late yesterday afternoon. As I sat in the car, I noticed, on the rooftop of a parking ramp, three people with cameras. I got out to see what they were taking pictures of and there was the most glorious sunset. I took this picture with my phone so it doesn't do it justice. Here's a better one, taken by Ben Leonard at the Nicollet County Historical Society. Unbelievable color...like the sky was on fire. I've been lucky to see several sunsets this week. If you ever want to get a sense of your place in the...

This is my last pile of stuff for a while. I have earned the admiration of my Facebook friends with my purging. They ask if I would come to their homes and do it. Of course, and it would be easier because I am not attached to their crap. Ha! Several really important spiritual things have happened to me this week. My two sessions with Mary, my walks and talks with friends, my meditative exercise, my runes. Today, my rune was Wunjo, the rune of joy and light. It means that the term of travail has ended and I have come into myself. The shift that was due has occurred and now I can freely receive it's blessing, whether it be in my emotional life or in a heightened sense of my own well-being. Joyousness accompanies new energy, energy blocked before now. Light pierces the clouds and touches the water just as something lovely emerges from the depths. To me, that last sentence refers to my walk yesterday with Deb. As we watched the last sun's rays of the day and the ...

 No, not this kind of cardinal. This kind of cardinal. Deb and I, old friends and neighbors, were on a walk on Nicollet Avenue (not the Minneapolis one, the rural St. Peter one) and we saw a flock of cardinals. They were so bright red in the late afternoon sunshine, that's all they could be. They settled into some trees we had passed about ten minutes before so we crossed some field area to get closer. They startled and fled. I did some googling and discovered that cardinals do indeed flock. Not during mating season when they pair off but other parts of the year they are quite social. Deb and I are strong believers in signs. One day we saw an eagle soaring over the tree tops. Today, a flock of cardinals. An opal sky. A friend on a bicycle. A good day to be alive.

Othila Separating paths Attachment and Radical severance Using the light I now possess and Total honesty in my own time. It's been a very good week. A week of sorrow and joy and healing. I told my friend, Deb, on our walk yesterday, it's like a vortex and things get tossed in over the years and finally it turns into a full-blown storm. I am more peaceful now. The wind is dissipating. I am calm. Well, that's enough of that shit, eh? I'm making plans for Thanksgiving. We decided a couple years ago that we really don't like turkey no matter how hard we worked to prepare it. We will have a turkey breast for the purists and as a way to serve the side dishes but it won't be the center of the table. I'm going to exercise today and then I'll sub at HLC from 10:30-3:00. Deb and I will take our walk at 4:00. It will be a good day.