The Blog: Spellbound by our own imperfect lives...

Saturday... And I don't mean like the Sylvester Stallone rocky either. After three hours of sleep last night, I tried to nap. No good. I have another unpleasant side effect that wakes me up if I do go to sleep. I feel wobbly but I got the dishes done and some stuff picked up around here. I made a peanut buster parfait dessert but ended up with chocolate over all my fingers and my sweater. Uff da. We decided to dye Easter eggs but you can't buy that stuff the day before Easter. Like Brach's classic jelly beans...gone, gone, gone. I don't have the gumption to figure out that natural dye thing. Onion skins and beets. Not for this cookie. I need to sleep. Next morning... After a three hour nap in the late afternoon, I went to bed at 10 and slept until 7. I know sleep is not a big deal and kind of a boring topic...unless you aren't getting any. Last night's sleep was blissful. I have been busy, mostly cutting things off my list of things to do. Some ho...

I've been getting much better sleep at night lately but you might know, the night before my big day of Easter preparation, I'm awake until 3 and awake again at 5. I'm blaming the steroid I get as part of my chemo I'm glad Peter is coming to help...he can do the thinking! I've had a couple of very nice days. Thursday, Regis and Gus took me to Kohl's so I could poke around the spring stuff. I always like to get some new spring hand towels. I found some great flowery leggings and an Easter tablecloth. I can't remember the last time I was shopping so it was fun. We met Bob and Emily and the kids for dinner at Patrick's. They had Easter presents for us...a tulip that opens up and a package of Reese's bunnies. Good time! Yesterday, I had my 9th taxol treatment, leaving me with 3 to go. I can see the end! My blood counts were good and had actually improved since last time. Judy says I am a rock star. We stopped for lunch at the Tav on the Ave to celeb...

Regis took this photo of the moon this morning, setting over the neighbor's house. How did I miss this? I'm always up prowling around in the night. Even if the temperature is barely 40 degrees, it looks like spring outside! In the past thirty minutes, I saw one kid go by in a t-shirt and another go by on roller skates. That's optimism. My friends from Omaha sent this beautiful spring bouquet today. Nothing makes me eager to answer the phone quite like seeing that it's Mary's Flowers. Tomorrow, I may go down and stand in Mary's flower cooler for a while, just inhaling the sweet smell of flowers. I don't leave the house very often these days but today I stepped outside to take a picture of the barbecue grill. Regis and I have pledged that as soon as the snow is gone, we're going to fire that baby up and grill some steaks. We have a ways to go...but not long. This is the view of the other end of the patio. When this snow melts, the...

Here's mine. Regis and I are drinking coffee and keeping an eye on the neighborhood. Gus is taking his first nap of the day. I had such a good night's sleep, I may not need a nap today. It's the first day that it has really looked like spring to me. There is still snow everywhere but the sky is promising spring. It would be a good day for a walk. It's Pinot and Pizza Tuesday at the winery and Regis says he's taking me out for dinner. I can see those two things coming together nicely. Right now, I feel like I am tired of being in bed. Bed has been my blanket fort for months. It's where I retreat. It's my sanctuary. I have my jar of Vicks, my box of Kleenex, my books, a snack, and a water bottle. A guy could survive a long time with those supplies. I managed to order some spring/summer hats yesterday. I found them on Etsy in lots of bright colors and fun patterns. The process was arduous...do you know how many hats there are between Etsy and Amazon? ...

I feel like I'm grinding to a halt. This weekend, I did very little. For two days I have been trying to buy some lightweight head coverings and I can't make a decision. I'm coming to the conclusion that I might just be tired of chemo hats. This bald condition could persist until July or August, though, so I have to be ready. I have a nice crop of fuzz coming in on my head but Judy says it might disappear again. Or it might come back unevenly. Next Sunday is Easter and we're expecting a crowd. I don't have to do much of the cooking but there is some planning involved. Extra tables and chairs. Lots of paper products. Table linens. Timing. Or not. I am making the ham. Not much work with that. I'm making an ice cream dessert so that can be done ahead of time. Tom came for dinner last night. We had ribs and pretzel rolls. I was supposed to make a potato dish but I didn't. I took a nap instead. I told Regis since he did all the cooking, I would do the ...

But then, most days feel like Saturday. After a week of sleeping great, I had a sleepless night. Just goes to show you can't take it for granted. Ella and Alex came over last night for dinner while their parents enjoyed a meal alone. Regis found a recipe for Spaghetti Monsters where the kids push spaghetti noodles through wieners. You cook them as long as the spaghetti should cook and this is how they come out. They were a big hit. It was a low key week. Gus got his hair cut, we bought groceries, we watched a couple movies. I made the Easter menu and a list of things to do. We went out for pizza one night. Patrick's has the best pizza in town right now, in my humble opinion. The crust is crisp but not too crisp and our Italian sausage and banana pepper pizza was delicious. I got a great care package in the mail on Thursday from my niece and her daughters, Darby and Evynne in Ohio. It was one of the days when I was tired and discouraged so it was a wonderful treat...

These are the pretzel buns Regis made yesterday during one of my naps. We're thinking of making them for Easter. Ham on a pretzel bun? Today is the first day of spring and it's 6 degrees. The low tonight will be zero. What the hell. I had written a couple more paragraphs complaining about winter but I've decided I'm done with that. It doesn't get any easier to bear when I'm cranky about it. Moving on then. Regis and I got up early this morning, dropped Gus off for his bath and haircut, then went to Mankato and did our shopping. The sunrise was pinkly beautiful. I've been stuck on this post since Tuesday so I'm just going to send it out there and start fresh tomorrow.

We celebrated the holiday in fine Irish fashion last night with our friends, the McGraw-Hynes family. I told Regis this morning that I think the only things we neglected were the button accordion and the singing. We had corned beef and cabbage, Irish soda bread, Irish coffee, Irish whiskey, and there were plenty of good stories told around the table. I slept until almost ten o'clock this morning which is a land speed record in my adult life. I never sleep past eight. I think if Regis hadn't told me to get up, I could have slept longer. It was decadent and wonderful. I took a nap this afternoon, too, in case you are thinking I got too much sleep for the day. Regis made pretzel buns while I snoozed. He can be a very good cook when he cooks because he attends to details. I am a more generalized cook and pretzel buns are detail baking. Five minutes here, ten minutes there, boiling then baking. Uff da. They are ready to come out of the oven and they are beautiful! Good job, m...

I woke up to clanging wind chimes this morning. The weather folks are predicting 50 mph winds and wind is my least favorite weather event so I think I am refusing to leave the house today. There isn't much additional snow here but with winds like these, it could blow from Fargo. I have slept like a champ the last three nights. Last night I went to bed at 10 and slept until 8, waking only briefly. You can't appreciate this unless you are a fellow insomniac. I didn't go to the St. Patrick's Day parade. I just couldn't work up the gumption and I knew I would regret it. Of course, at 3:10, I regretted it but it was too late. We love holidays and always kick ourselves if we let one go by without recognition. I made corned beef and cabbage and we watched The Quiet Man so all was not lost. It's my baby girl, Tiffany's, 28th birthday today. I miss the days when I made her birthday cake and bought her dolls. Here is my psychic energy pie graph: I'm n...

I went outside in my pajamas and slippers this morning to fetch a four-pack of Guinness out of the trunk just as the neighbors were getting in their car to go to church. It would have made a great picture. In the last few days, I read the book Benediction by Kent Haruf. It was a nice change from the murder and mayhem I've been reading. He talks about the precious ordinary, which is probably a little bit like being spellbound by your own imperfect life. There's a chapter where three old women and a young girl go swimming in a cattle tank on a hot summer day. That chapter was worth the price of admission. Precious ordinary. We celebrated Elliot's birthday last night with a Star Wars party. The kids wore costumes and carried blasters and blow-up light sabers. It was a party with a lot of noise but lots of fun. It's been a long winter of strep throat, flu, ear infections and snow storms so it was great fun to get together and laugh. Uncle Reg put on a Chewbacca ma...

Regis and I like to recognize holidays. This week there were two: Pi Day and the Ides of March. Next week starts with one of our favorites, St. Patrick's Day. This is a picture of Tom and me taken a few years ago. We were in front of the Irish bar, Patrick's. It's an institution, especially on St. Patrick's Day. I love my costume but it's weather dependent. I will not wear a wig and a green felt hat when it's 80 degrees like it was last year. Not much chance of that tomorrow. We're celebrating Elliot's birthday tonight and Tuesday is Tiffany's 28th birthday. Big week in the celebration department! I had my 7th taxol treatment so I am more than halfway done. I had a different doctor who I liked very much. I asked him a question about cure rates and breast cancer versus other kinds of cancer. He went on for about five minutes with a lengthy but very understandable report on the research, including numbers and percents. Indicating to me, once a...

Just want to let everyone know that I made it to the store in fine shape. Actually, it was good that I went so I could spot the things I have been craving but didn't remember until I saw them. Cinnamon Bunny Grahams. Dark chocolate covered almonds. Pears. I only had to dodge two people. Maybe I am becoming reclusive. I appreciate the concern of people, really, I do. I don't know why I have this aversion. It's just a quirk. I'm planning my next nap already. I think I must have slept more than I thought last night. I swear I heard the clock chime every hour until 4. Bummer. I see I am the master of short and choppy sentences today. Choppy grounders, my friend Mike used to say. I think he was referring to baseball, though, rather than writing. I just read that it's Pi Day. 3-14. A day to appreciate mathematics. Now I see that this is a day celebrated around the world. How did I not know? It's like the time I saw on the cover of the Rolling Stone that Radioh...

I tried to find a picture of a blanket fort on google but today I'm worried about the copyright police so this picture of Gus will have to do. My friend, Joanne, suggested a blanket fort and crayons on Facebook the other day. I think it's a great idea and it made me realize that for the past four months, I've been occupying my metaphorical blanket fort most days. I wake up, I drink coffee, I check my email, I go back to bed. Sometimes I don't sleep but many times I do. I've read many books this winter because that's what I do best. Slothfulness at its peak. I had a terrible night's sleep last night. I know I was awake every hour until 4 am. It was gruesome. At some point, Gus came over to my side and laid his big furry paw across my arm. He's a great companion in a blanket fort. We had a light snowfall overnight that I am happy to say is melting of its own accord. I love snow but this time of year, it gets old. Regis tells me we might be in f...

This is an amazing music video made by a young woman named Meghan Kowalewski. She has a strong spirit. I feel like I might have turned a corner in the mental health department. I don't know if being half done helps, if the sunshine helps, or if it's just the forces in the universe, but what the hell...it feels better to be sitting here in my pajamas at 11 o'clock in the morning feeling optimistic about the day than it did to sit here feeling morose and down-hearted. I was like a bad country song the last few weeks. Now, I better go out in the garden and light some candles so it continues. I'm almost done with another Colin Dexter mystery. I almost gave up because it was very complicated in the beginning. I have probably forgotten a few details but it's been a good read. I'm trying to get Regis interested in the Inspector Lewis series on BBC but he thinks he may have had enough of the Brits for this season. I've been in touch this week with our for...

The weather this weekend presented the usual March suckage. Gray, cold, ice, rain, dreary. Ugh a million times. We had a great time bottling wine on Saturday but we were tired beyond words by the time we got home. We managed to eat some cold sandwiches with a nice glass of red wine and somehow stay awake until 8 o'clock. I am too lazy to write in paragraphs so I write lists. I read Erin Hart's new book and loved it. Elliot and Tiffany came to visit today. I haven't seen them since right after Christmas. Elliot  had strep throat then the flu, Tiffany had the flu then a sinus infection. It's been a rough winter. Elliot keeps wanting me to show him how to play games in the iPad and I have to tell him I can't do it.  I once lounged in a big recliner at Best Buy, playing with the controls of a huge video game. A guy came by to watch for a minute then said, "Dude. You have to turn it on." I don't know what was funnier, that he called me dude ...

This is one of the strange things we do now. We put hats on our dog and take his picture. Goofy, we know. We draw the line, however, at buying little costumes for him. He wouldn't stand for it. Gus is a dog with dignity. We had quite an adventure yesterday. We left the house at 8 am and drove out to Morgan Creek Vineyards to learn how to bottle and label wine. We worked with about six other volunteers until mid-afternoon to bottle almost a thousand bottles of Seyval. I can't remember the last time I worked that hard, seriously. It was fun and interesting, we met some very nice people, had a delicious lunch, and came how with wine. Not bad for a day's work. I've been reflecting lately on my deflated mood. I think in the beginning, when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I was energized in a way. I felt like a cancer warrior. I was on the pink-ribboned train, armed for battle. Even though I was mentally wrecked some days and spent a lot of time sleeping or i...

I had my sixth taxol treatment yesterday. It's been progressively harder, with more fatigue, some stomach upset and other digestive issues. Nothing serious, though, like numbness in my fingers and toes. The nurses are very reassuring that it's normal and I should not feel guilty about being lethargic. Six down and six to go. I thought, for a minute, that I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. Then I asked Judy if next time would be the last time I saw the oncologist. Oh, no, she said, you'll see him for a long time. Every three months. Good thing he's very nice and very funny. Regis and I stopped at one of our favorite places (It's a sports bar but the food is good and the service is great...and they only have 10 tv's as opposed to 47). They were blasting  country music out of the speakers as we came in the door but as soon as we were seated they changed it to some 70's soft folk music. We must look like geezers. We graduate from geriatric exercise ...

The trees are still lined with snow. We didn't get the wind that usually blows it off. It's like a calendar picture. I can hear cardinals singing this morning. They're courting this time of year and sometimes whistle to each other 200 times a day. That's devotion. Our friends, Tom and Betty, are home from Texas so we went for a visit last night. We heard lots of great tales of beach walking, happy hour shopping, and we learned what an oyster shot is. Betty and Tom have a new kitchen and I have kitchen envy. It's just beautiful. Like something you'd see on a cooking show or in a magazine. I ordered new pajamas and underwear from Kohl's with my 30% off coupon. Also got a couple things for Elliot's birthday. I decided that I want to have Easter dinner here this year. It had crossed my mind that I might be too tired to plan or carry out, but it is something to look forward to so I want to do it. Somehow I made Thanksgiving and Christmas manageable...

 The whoop ass for today was a beautiful snowfall. (About ten inches) Regis took a few snaps out the front door so our warm climate friends can see what Minnesota looks like in March. Our patio chimnea is waiting to be free of snow so it can cook marshmallows and wieners on sticks. Tidy little snow cone built up in the bottom of the chimnea. Last year the bunny was covered to the tips of his ears. A snow angel wearing my dad's cowboy hat and a leopard scarf. A snow angel wearing a black cloche and a velvet scarf. A snow angel wearing a red velveteen hat with lion pin and a purple scarf hand knit by my cousin, Chris, in Florida! The snow angel family. Regis gets his exercise blowing the snow off the neighbors' walks.

Sunday~ I looked at my recent list of blog posts yesterday and thought, oh brother, what a drag. I should try to come up with something better, more exciting, even just interesting. Not much to tell when I spend most of my time sleeping or staring into space. This morning, as I was waking up, I had a great story to tell and was composing it in my head...then realized it was only a dream and not very good at that because it ended with a rant and then me getting lost. Ah, well. We hobbled over icy terrain to the neighbor's house last night for wine and homemade pizza. Kemmie and Joanne are good neighbors and we're hoping to see more of them when the weather is more conducive to visiting. It was good therapy....food and talk. I talked to my research nurse and the exercise physiologist this week about my activity guilt. I think I should do more but I don't seem able to make myself do it. They both said moderate exercise is good for my immune system...extreme exercise is ...

Regis shaved my head again today because my hair comes back in fuzzy patches that irritate me. I'd rather have hair or no hair...not this in between business. I've had more...should we say?...digestive issues the past two weeks. It doesn't last long but two days of that is more than I'd like to enjoy. This time the chemo made me tired. It makes me more tired every week. I can't even add high enough to report how many hours I slept in the last three days. Regis would come into the bedroom this morning to tell me where he was going and when I woke up, I wondered where he was. That kind of sleep messes with your brain. It's 3 o'clock and I'm still not showered or dressed. I have read most of a book and eaten a bowl of oatmeal in bed. We were going to have an Academy Awards movie festival today but in my present condition, I would not have been much fun nodding off in my chair and running to the bathroom. We're going to the neighbor's house...

After a terrible night of sleep Wednesday night, I had a busy day. Ella came in the morning which was a nice was to start the day. Peter came over at 9:30 for breakfast and I worked up the gumption to make waffles. Not only was it good to visit with him about his new job but the waffles and bacon made the house smell heavenly. I went to chemo at 12:30 and we didn't get home until 5 so it was a long napless day. I continue to be fortunate with side effects. No nausea, no vomiting, no loss of nails which seems to be the trifecta of evil. Fatigue. Overwhelming fatigue is my cross to bear. My research nurse tells me to cut back and take it easy and today I'll get the word from the exercise physiologist...don't do so much. These folks should put an action cam on me. There would not be much movement. But ok...I am a rule follower and I will take the advice of my medical team. I talked to a lady in my pod who is 91 and has leukemia. She only gets hemoglobin transfusions, no tr...