easy sunday

It's been a good weekend. Yesterday, Kathryn and I went to the Holiday Fare to gather stories. Mostly, people were not in the mood to sit and think...or write.

We had a good time, though. Lots of good conversations. Lots of folks stopped by to visit and many took a post card or an autumn leaf to write on at home. All is well.

It's funny. Being writers, we could sit and write for hours. It is not daunting. I suggested that if someone had a math table and asked us to sit down and do long division, I would panic, refuse to make eye contact, and scoot on past. Sigh. We have been done a disservice by some who taught us how to write. So sad. Math...that is a whole other subject.

As I was leaving yoga on Friday, Michele asked if I would be willing to dress up in a costume and play Suzy Snowflake at the community start-of-the-holidays event. Oh, yeah. I can do that. 

This afternoon, my plan is to go to Minneopa State Park with Tiffany and the three little ones, who are not so little anymore. I have to stop calling them that.

I'm going to make another attempt at dark chocolate caramel and pretzel cookies.

I woke up in the night with blazing pain in my hips. Not like I ran a marathon yesterday so it was frustrating. It took a long time to get back to sleep. My brain is fuzzy today.

Enjoy the weather...

next five days

My goal for the next five days is to keep from going batshit crazy. I have done precious little this year to help with the election so yesterday, in a fit of pique, I made a donation, ordered a t-shirt and a hat, and plastered posters all over my front door and picture window. Today, I am going to the thrift store to find a pantsuit for Tuesday.

It's hard to keep any measure of equanimity. Very hard. I picked a hell of a time to quit drinking although I'm not sure there is enough wine in Nicollet County to assuage this angst.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

I organized my Thanksgiving binder last night and started on my grocery list. Tiffany took me out for a birthday lunch and we talked about the menu. She loves to talk about food, too. We are going with a side-heavy dinner...a turkey breast and maybe some meatballs, but face it, sides are what we live for on Thanksgiving. And left-overs. Remember my Thanksgiving parfait?

November 25, 2012
This has been my favorite meal this weekend. I call it the Thanksgiving Parfait. I put a spoonful of apple pie in the bottom of the glass, then dollops of potatoes, stuffing, yams, and green bean casserole. Top with cranberry sauce. No heating. Easy to eat while slumped over in a napping position. Toss glass and spoon into trash when finished. No dishes!

I had a good walking streak going then I subbed for five days and it all went to hell. I am trying to get that mojo back. I like to walk outside as long as the weather is so beautiful but will switch to the gym and swimming when the gales of November turn whatever it is they turn. Icy? Real lyrics: The lake, it is said, never gives up her dead, when the skies of November turn gloomy. I'd use a word with more dramatic effect than gloomy but I'm not Gordon Lightfoot.

Kathryn and I are going to the Holiday Fare tomorrow to gather stories for 600 Words. Peter got us a real banner so we don't have to use the green tarp from the farm supply store. Our theme is Home for the Holidays. We're moving up.

Must go listen to Polka til You Puke, our favorite radio show. Regis is sleeping and it won't be nearly as much fun but I'll have another cup of coffee, stare out the window at the birds, and wait for the sun to come up. Make it a good day.

chaos and magic

I have left my cranky pants behind for today! I chucked them into the laundry basket and for today's fashion statement, I have gone with the shiny purple tuxedo trousers with rhinestones on the seams. So much better for dancing in the kitchen.

I went to yoga in the morning, then for coffee. It is a spiritual experience and I am sorry that it's only twice a week. I have yoga dvds and all the equipment so there is no reason that I can't start my own daily practice at home. Plan to start today.

I am also set up to start a daily meditation course online. Is that too much?

I went to aftercare group last night and the counselor asked how I felt about "coining out" next week. You don't officially graduate from this group as that would signify an ending. When a person coins out, a medal goes around the group, everyone says something nice about you and wishes you well. I'm ready for that and all that it entails.

I spent some time this morning writing a thank you letter to the staff at my inpatient program. I know the stats for treatment look pretty dismal sometimes and I want them to know that I am doing my best to survive and thrive. And that I am grateful for everything every single one of them did.

It's been a longish road to four months of sobriety. I started with SMART in 2014 and struggled a lot but learned a lot, too. I did a lot of sobriety-related stuff along the way and I won't say that all of those things didn't work...I think they were stepping stones. They all have my gratitude.

I don't say I am an alcoholic anymore in group. I understand that there are people who do (or addict) for their own very good reasons. I say I am proud to be in recovery and for me that means I have not used alcohol for 117 days.

Vigilant but not afraid.

This will probably be my last recovery related post. I've done enough soul bearing and breast beating. My two lives have merged enough.

fat squirrel

There are several big, fat (thanks to me) squirrels who hang around our yard, getting into mischief, tormenting the cat, eating top shelf bird food, and generally being nuisances. They are fun to watch, though. There is one in the tree right now, making eye contact with Woodrow. He is sitting on a branch of the apple tree, staring into the cat's eyes. Just like this.

I just mentioned to Regis that he has quite the pessimistic demeanor today. He told me that it didn't matter that PHC was getting good reviews because it is a dying market. When I looked disturbed, he comforted me by saying I will most likely be dead before that happens. Oh, boy.

It's easy to get sucked into the rabbit hole of anger and pessimism. It's why I avoid the news...it colors my view of the world.

There's a robin sitting in my redbud tree. Now there's optimism.

fun run and disgust with politics

I love this event. Where else can you see a thousand people running down the street, most in costumes, many with either a dog or a baby carriage? It's a blast.

I took pictures and Facebook turned them into a video. Now I can't post the video here and I'm too lazy to get my phone and find the pictures again. Here's the link to the video.

I can't even begin to describe how tired and frightened I am of the current political scene. Aren't those assholes in the government supposed to work together? The Affordable Care Act...nobody wants to do anything constructive about it. They only want to blame the POTUS. What a horrible thing...wanting people to have health care. It's like communism. And those f***ing emails. Can we get past the emails? Can we put away the pitchforks and stop acting like loons?

The racism is truly painful to read about. Racism in a small school in North Dakota. Racism against Amish people.

I can't even write articulately about it. It's crazy and it's making me crazy.

I've worked really hard in the past months to avoid television ads. I don't read much about it on social media because it's easy to post a stupid meme that has nothing to do with the truth.

It's disgusting. I saw one photo of a rally where someone had a big poster of the woman running for POTUS with a target on her face. Regis saw a sign yesterday that said this woman should be in jail. Apparently some people think we live in a third world banana republic where they throw their opponents in jail after the election.

That's my rant.

my path, less traveled

I'm not sure how this will go. One of the things I am aiming for in my life is to merge my recovery life with my real life. This is an attempt to do that.

I have a blog on an online support site that I use. My posts there are recovery focused. My posts here tend to mention recovery from time to time (I sort of hate that word but that's another topic. I hate labels.) but most often are about something else.

I realized some time back that the more I thought about other people while I was writing here, the more difficult it became. It's what Natalie Goldberg calls the monkey mind. The critter that sits on your shoulder reading as you go and making judgments like this: That's not true. He might laugh at that. Don't say that. You could be pissing someone off. It makes it hard to write freely.

Hahaha! Like this.

I have been writing a blog post in my head the past few days. Couldn't gather my thoughts enough to get it down on paper but I think these two photos summarize it pretty well.
I have been walking a lot. Fall is my favorite season...and all the things that come with it. Cooler temps, dry breezes, no bugs, beautiful leaves, a fire on the patio in the evening.
I wrote a while back that I was starting to feel more connected but I couldn't describe why that was. It is definitely true and I am starting to realize the reasons. For the first two months of sobriety, I felt like an actor on a stage. I knew what to do and what to say but it didn't feel authentic. I felt like I had to think about every word. Now, things are coming more naturally. I am more relaxed and peaceful. It's a good feeling.
I felt a edgy for a while. Not afraid that I would start up drinking again, exactly, but like I wasn't sure this was real. Again, an actor on a stage.
I feel more comfortable now with my homegrown recovery plan and with where I am. I know it works for me and I'm not afraid to talk about it in my aftercare group. At first, I felt like I must be some kind of fraud or rebel and I was afraid to speak up when the leader said things like you can't have the same friends once you get sober that you had before. Oh, yes, sometimes you can. I feel comfortable admitting that I don't have a sponsor and that I have no plans to do the fearless moral inventory. I am confident. I am vigilant but I am not afraid.
We often have a small fire on the patio in the evening. I can stare into the flames and think about all that has happened in the last 100+ days. People puzzle me when they hear I quit drinking and they want to say they're sorry. Sorry I developed an addiction? Sorry I went to treatment? Sorry I struggled for so long? I'm not sorry. This all, painful as it was at the time, dangerous as it was, brought me to this point and I am loving my life and looking forward to my future. Not everyone gets there.

So. That is the blog post copied directly from my other blog.

Heading off to the gym. Then going for a walk with Regis and Gus. I made chili yesterday so dinner is easy. We subscribed to Netflix and I have a page of notes so I know how to start it up and choose something to watch. If not that, I have two books to read. I'm launching into a pile of Ian Rankin books for the winter months. Nothing better than a heated mattress pad, a big cup of coffee, and a good mystery.

dragonfly kind of day

I went for a walk with Regis and Gus this morning, just as the sun was coming over the horizon. If it had been up to them, they would have gone 30 minutes earlier but then we might have missed this great cloud formation. A dragonfly in the sky. A symbol of transformation. Perfect.

I went to yoga this morning, then to coffee at River Rock. I feel like I have been to a really good church. Good friends sharing that namaste thing, then dark coffee and oatmeal cookies. Perfect.

It's been a fabulous fall, so far. I went to the fall festival at Gustavus with Tiffany and the little boys. The whole bunch of us went to the pumpkin patch last Sunday then came back here for soup and birthday cake to celebrate Zoey's 6th birthday. I love those family things.

I can't remember what came in this box, maybe the flame genie. We gave our chimnea away because it was too much work and we are basically lazy. The flame genie lights up using wood pellets and has a nice flame going in about five minutes. Nice. We love to sit on the patio in the evenings as the sun goes down.

One day this week, the day before it turned cold, I went up to the Arboretum and walked around the paths, taking pictures. I like the kind of photography where I just snap what I find appealing. I don't care about the damn exposure or the rule of thirds. I guess I really don't care about getting better. It's how I feel about my writing, too. I am not too interested in a critique. I just like to do it. That day, I was into patterns and shadows and chairs and close-ups of colorful things.

I'll take a few hours this afternoon to do some of the tasks of daily living. Like cleaning the cat box and doing dishes. Not my favorites. I'll make short bread cookies and chai at the end. In celebration of this day.

100 days of wicked recovery

We have had a minor shift in the weather since yesterday. I was sort of inclined yesterday to do some projects in the house. You know, like the dishes and maybe some laundry. But the weather was so beautiful and I just had a feeling we were coming to the end of it so I went to the Arboretum instead.

I sat on the swing for a while, walked the paths, took some pictures, and stared at the clouds. It was warm and peaceful and perfect.

This morning, Regis went for a walk at 6am. He said he heard the wind and rain slapping the window and decided that I would probably not want to venture out. He was right.

I am going to write this post and then go to the basement to forage for a winter coat, hat, and mittens. My exercise options this morning are to go swimming or to walk, inside or outside. I am choosing outside. What better way to blow some cobwebs out of the mind that a cold and windy walk.

Tomorrow will be the anniversary of 100 days since I last let liquor touch my lips. Well. except for the accidental taste at the Hooligan's concert. Tim said that doesn't count. So, happy 100 days to me.

bad week for rodents we know

The other day I was tidying up on the patio. I found a garbage can filled with water and when I started to dump the water out, a fluffy tail floated to the top. Uh oh. I abandoned that task and reported to the dead rodent manager in our family. He investigated further and discovered a squirrel must have dropped in there and been unable to escape. I know squirrels are rodents, but it made me sad to think of the poor thing scrambling to get out of there.

This morning on our walk, we saw these beautiful cloud formations. I think they are called mare's tail clouds but none of the pictures I found on google were quite this nice. I love the frames around them.

As we passed one of the buildings on the edge of town, Gus got interested in a rat poison thing. We hollered to get him to leave it alone but he sure was curious. As we got closer, we saw a poor rodent (maybe a gopher but I don't want to start that controversy again) was stuck in it up to his shoulders. He had probably been eating the poison pellets so to liberate him would have done no good.  Damn. A very bad week for rodents we know.

We're having a very nice Sunday. Tom and Betty are coming for dinner. I made Cuban bread, we have ribs on the grill, and new red potatoes ready to roast in the oven. Happy October!

early saturday morning october first

I'm drinking my favorite coffee, Wake the Dead.

Gus has been out and has been fed. Woodrow has been fed and has had his treats. He reminded me by politely knocking the container off the counter and then giving me the evil eye. You dare not forget or make him wait.

I spent Friday night watching a program on television about tiny houses, then one (several) about people buying vacation homes on the ocean. Both could make you crazy. If you want to be reminded of the great diversity in human beings, this is a good place to start. 

There was a young couple with three kids under the age of six, and one on the way. They were planning to take their entire family in a house of less than 300 square feet on the road to tour the country. Everything she said, he responded with, "That would be a lot of work." That would have been enough for me to commit an act of verbal violence. They finally settled on a moldy old school bus that had been made into a camper where they would have to shower while standing in a small galvanized tub. I don't see this ending well.

The other show illustrated the other end of the spectrum. These people could not possibly live with black appliances or granite counter tops. I told Regis we would be fairly boring contestants on this show. Yup, that's fine. Yup, that's fine. No tantrums over paint color or flooring. I guess this is why HGTV doesn't come knocking.

It's October 1st. I thought it would take me the month of August to get my feet on the ground after my unfortunate incarceration. (I don't view it that way but the phrase tickles me greatly.) Turns out, it has taken me the month of September, too. I know people who have gone back to full-time work. One of my friends is leaving for Thailand next week to tutor monks and refugees, I am trying to get my dishes done every day and not take a three hour nap. Another case where I just have to lower my standards.

I have accomplished a few things but not much that shows. I have yard work to do, house projects to do, things to organize and sort and delete. Sigh. Maybe a tiny house wouldn't be such a bad idea.

It must be hunting season for some poor critters. I am awakened every morning to the sound of gun shots. A friend of ours, Marie, said to duck when we are on a walk. You never know when one of us could be mistaken for a goose. 

Bill Murray was asked what it's like to be him. I love his answer.

More stories to come

I drove to Canby on Friday to make lefse with Mom, a sister-in-law, and two cousins. We had a great time and lots of stories were told. I took a walk Saturday, past the places I remember from my youth. Like this one. 

I'm typing this on my phone at the music festival. I am not a one-finger typist, so this will be short. 

Rock Bend Folk Festival

It's been a wonderful weekend. The weather is perfect, the mosquitoes took a vacation, the music is great, and the park is filled to the brim with happy people. 

Yesterday, we collected almost twenty stories.  Some about water, but we had no rules. I think there is one entitled The Fart Heard Round the World. And so it goes. 

We'll be here another day, soaking up sun and music and magic. 

Testing email blogging

It's going to be a busy weekend with a road trip then Rock Bend Folk Festival where our project, 600 Words, will occupy a booth to collect stories. The weather forecast is glorious so what could be better?

I'm testing my ability to post pics and text via email so I can post "from the road"! See you on the inter webs.

update, as i promised

Update Saturday, September 3

Today is my 60th day of sobriety. 

I went to an inpatient program on July 5th and spent 30 days there learning about addiction, reflecting on my experiences before and after my addiction reared its head, sharing things about my life and sharing in the revelations of others, and developing a 30 day foundation of sobriety. It was a profound experience in many ways.

For the most part, sobriety has not been difficult for me, so far. It might get more difficult, certainly, but at this point I am grateful that I have had few urges to drink and those have been fairly easy to deal with.

Yesterday, I subbed in a special education classroom in the same school where I taught for most of my career. At the end of the day I went home feeling a little out of sorts and at loose ends. What do I do with a sober Friday afternoon? I settled on 30 minutes of hatha yoga with a DVD and then a nice dinner out with my husband. I had planned to make dinner but I thought the late afternoon being in the kitchen trigger might be just too much! After dinner we went for a walk as the sun was setting.

Exercise has been an important part of my recovery plan. I walk, swim, do yoga, and I think I might do some biking this fall.

Speaking of which, I learned that a recovery plan is often quite fluid and will not look the same at six months that it did at 60 days. Mine certainly has been fluid. It doesn't look anything like the one I developed in my last week of treatment. As I read about the ideas of massive action and overwhelming force that are required for success, I am developing my recovery plan based on what I think that means. Massive action = daily habits that support recovery.

After much reading, I have decided to use the five areas of holistic recovery to plan my recovery plan's daily habits:
1. Emotional health- Includes AA meetings, Women for Sobriety, family support, and my after-care program
2. Physical health- Includes exercise, healthy diet, regular check-ups with oncology and primary care to monitor over-all health and especially liver functions and red blood cells
3. Mental health- Includes volunteer activities, recreation and hobbies (writing, exercise, reading, cooking, education, music, and art
4. Social health- Includes contact with sober friends I have met through inpatient treatment, outpatient treatment, AA, and WFS as well as any family and friends who support me in my sobriety (Third Thursday Potluck, Friday afternoon friends, coffee group after yoga)
5. Spiritual health- Includes meditation and prayer, yoga 2-3 times/week, daily walks, journal and blog, happiness practices

Some categories are very broad and some activities overlap two categories. The thing I like about this is that I can use it for flexible planning of daily activities to support recovery and I can also use it as a way to assess throughout the day if I am doing things in each category. As the day winds down, do I need work on my spiritual health or my social health? Do I go for a walk or do I call a supportive friend?

In September, I can go down to two times a week at my outpatient group. The counselor told me I could pick the days, Monday, Tuesday, or Thursday but I think what I will do is make a monthly calendar so I can be flexible. If one week, I have Digital Photography Club on a Thursday, I can attend group on Monday and Tuesday. I don't want to skip a night of group with nothing to replace it.

This week, I wrote a relapse plan. I watched the documentary Memo to Self and learned that it's good, when I am strong, to plan for when I am weak. My relapse plan has a 1-10 scale of risk of relapse with ten being active drinking. At a couple places along the continuum, there are people to call and things to do. The relapse plan is not negotiable. If I am drinking, this is what we will do immediately. It's a little bit like an insurance policy.

I made it through some difficult things this week- the death of a friend, the serious illness of a child I know, working two days with the subsequent feelings from that, news of several relapses, and some health disturbances without drinking.

I am enjoying my sober life and I am grateful for each day.

P.S. And of course, I have binders for this information. And file folders, dividers, plastic sheet liners, charts, and checklists. It's what I do.

morning miracles

I've been going for walks regularly with Gus and Regis. Regis likes to be out the door so I have to set my alarm for 5am. Not a bad schedule since I have always enjoyed the early mornings and it helps regulate my sleep to have a schedule like that. Not to say that some mornings, I am not cranky at 5am. Just a little.

I love the first picture. The cloud bank that looks like mountains, the hazy sunrise, the geese. Beautiful.

The sunrises this past month have been spectacular. Looking out over the valley as the sun peeks over the horizon is a wonderful way to greet the day. It's hard to be cranky looking at this.

Last night we went out for a Mexican dinner with Tom and Betty. Good food and good company. We told a lot of stories and had a lot of laughs. We ended the evening by sitting on the deck at Westwood which was enjoyable until the mosquito battalions moved in. 

I subbed yesterday in the school where I used to teach. It's always a nice experience being in Joanne's middle school age classroom...until the middle school sense of humor kicks in re: farts. It happens every time. I always tell them I was raised with four brothers and I have heard enough fart humor to last me the rest of my life. And then I laugh.

I have walked with Regis sporadically over the past four years since we got Gus. Gus is a dog who appreciates his exercise which means that one or both of us much learn to appreciate it, too. Regis is dedicated to walking Gus...most days they are out two times for at least a mile each time. Sometimes I am lazy. I am not so fond of the same path every day so I am waiting for the bugs to subside and the paths in the woods to dry up so we can head out into the woods.

Our friend, Tom, died on Sunday at his home at 63. We were stunned and saddened to hear the news of Tom's passing. He and Mary owned Lone Star Barbecue in St. Peter, one of our favorite haunts. From the first time we went there, Tom and Mary remembered us, always came to chat, and made us feel welcomed. This afternoon, we'll attend the visitation and memorial service. Such a sad, sad thing.

Life is short. As Warren Zevon said: Appreciate every sandwich.

Make it a wonderful day, my friends.

catching up; the long and random way

Several times over the past year, I have vowed to get back to regular blogging. During good times and hard times, I wanted to get back to regular writing and posting. Somehow, and for many reasons, it didn't happen.

One reason is that once you get behind, like anything else, it becomes overwhelming. Months and months of pictures and events and normal life...it's almost too much to trudge through. But this morning, it occurred to me at yoga that I don't need to catch up in minute detail. A few pictures, a few random events, some explanation. It's all good as the hip kids say.

We are feeding hummingbirds this year and the little buggers are glad we are. There are almost always at least two at the feeders from dawn to dusk. We had to train our eyes to spot their darting behavior. They move so fast and rarely sit still in a place where you can take their picture.

Peter and April got married on July 25th. It was a lovely and emotional event. I love this photo of Peter and most of his wedding party. They laughed a lot, which was so nice to see.

I haven't been sure of how to talk about this issue on my blog, but what the hell. Here goes. For the past two years, I have struggled with my abuse of alcohol. Things reached a peak the end of June and I admitted myself to the Intensive Addiction Program at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester. It was a profound experience in so many ways. One Sunday afternoon, I wandered over to a nearby Caribou and had a big iced tea and wrote in my journal.

Regis took a lot of walks with Gus during my unfortunate incarceration. It really wasn't that but it was a good joke. The line is from Designing Women, a wondeerful sit com that nobody remembers anymore. So sad.

Truck wreckage. Could be a metaphor.

Annual trip to the Nicollet County Fair. Much over-priced junk food was consumed but at least we did not attend the demo derby. A guy has to have some standards.

We made our semi-annual pilgrimage to KMSU to be radio programmers for the day. Ella, also known as DJ Lil Miss, loves this gig. She plays music, tells jokes, engages in witty repartee and we always go out for breakfast when all is said and done.

I spent some time playing with Picmonkey this summer. This is my glamour shot.

And this is me standing behind the car outside the Generose Building, the scene of my unfortunate incarceration. Actually, it was considered an outpatient program with lodging so I could sign out to get a haircut or a cup of coffee. Quite civilized.

Mom came to Mankato for Peter and April's wedding. We had a splendid time and great food. Neither of stayed up late to boogie with the young folks but it was fun just the same;

PicMonkey!

April and her moms at the bachelorette party!

Such a lovely couple. I think this photo looks Gatsby-esque.

Many beautiful sunrises this summer.

Peace Garden at St. Mary's Hospital in Rochester

Elliot and Jack at the rehearsal for the wedding.

So, there it is.

I'm busy with recovery stuff, groups, meetings, yoga, swimming, walking with Gus and Regis, cooking, organizing at home, reconnecting with friends, and catching up in many areas of my life. A young fellow I met in my treatment program said this: Alcohol robbed me of all the magic in my life, but now that I am recovering, I can see the color coming back.

Here we go, friends. Back to regular blogging.