The Blog: Spellbound by our own imperfect lives...

1. People. I know there are some evil people in the world but if you look around and add up the truly wonderful ones, they far outnumber the mean bastards. This has really come to the front of my brain since my cancer diagnosis. I have a basket full of cards and letters. I have gift certificates for massage. I have had phone calls of support and emails and Facebook messages from people I know only though social media. Friends have brought chicken soup with Amish noodles. Caramel apple pie. Beautiful sparkly caps and a huge multi-colored afghan. It's like a rainbow on my lap. I am very, very grateful for the people in my life who surround me with this cloud of light and love. 2. Retirement. I don't know how I would have gotten through this business had I still been working. Of course, if I had been working, I could have taken a lot of sick time and that would have helped right the inequity of getting screwed out of the retirement incentive I didn't get because I was off a

We had the wee ones over yesterday for a while. They still had presents from cousins under the tree that needed to be opened and they hadn't gotten much time to play together over the holidays. Like most family gatherings, it got a little disorganized but we all got plenty to eat and we had some good laughs. Even Gus got in on the action. He did all his tricks for Eric, multiple times. Elliot came in his pajamas, the bottoms inside out. I think it was a statement myself: I'm tired of dressing up and traveling around and I'm going comfortably in my fuzzy pajamas or not at all. We didn't care. He was fuzzier to hug this way! I made spaghetti the little kid way...Ragu sauce, chopped up meat, bread sticks, nothing fancy. They were all good eaters. Oreos for dessert. A kid's dream. Elliot and Alex had a few new things to play with...a transformer thing and a couple of Mario stuffed toys. Such good imaginations, they have. This year, I didn't

We had a wonderful day yesterday. The little ones came about 11, accompanied by a parent or two, some of whom left to do other things that are made more difficult by the company of children. Those of us who were left enjoyed a lunch of Ragu spaghetti, bread sticks, and Oreos. Can't beat that for a kid-friendly lunch. When they went home, we went to a service to say good-bye to our friend, Karen Burns Noble, who died suddenly on Christmas Day. Her daughter, Nikki, read two poems and it was one of the sweetest memorials I have ever attended, No pomp, just a roomful of lovely people who loved Karen. Regis and Gus went to the dog park for a while while I listened to Dean Martin's old classic Christmas songs, then went to the liquor store for a bottle of pinot noir and a six pack of Magic Hat for Regis. We're planning a quiet weekend and eve of 2013. Avoiding crowds and germs by holing up at home with all our comforts...good spirits, scallops, bread, shrimp, steak, salad, so

The first few days after chemo, I can easily take 3-4 short naps a day and sleep for 11 hours a night. It's like heaven. After today, when I wean off the nausea meds, I will gradually become more alert and will spend more time vertically. Ah, well. It's a nice respite from insomnia. Most of the minis from our family are coming for lunch and some play time today. They didn't get to play together much over the holiday so this will be fun. There are still a few stray presents under the tree for one or the other, too. Regis and I are spending a quiet weekend and New Year's holiday at home. Sort of an attempt to avoid wayfaring flu and cold germs but also because we like it. We have a few movies lined up, some favorite easy menus in mind, and all the comforts we need. It will be like a vacation. My cousin in Arizona sent us homemade lefse from my Aunt Vi's recipe. Vi was the champion lefse maker so we are listening carefully for the sound of the delivery truck. We&

I woke up before 4 and tried to go back to sleep but I can tell when it's a hopeless cause. I had a good eight hours of sleep...that's enough. I love this part of the day. I like to watch the sky go from black to soft gray to opal. Every morning, I come out and turn on the Christmas tree lights, the fireplace, and I drink the last cup of coffee from yesterday heated in the microwave. I wrap myself in my new rainbow afghan and a warm hat and I wait for morning to come. Regis and Gus come out to join me. Gus has a habit of jumping into Regis's lap for a while in the morning. They watch the rabbits and the birds in the yard and wait for morning to come. Sometimes Gus gets a little grooming. I have a hankering for coffee cake this morning so might have to make one. It's been a long time but the smell of brown sugar and butter is enticing. I've decided to take a leave of absence from my job at River Rock. I didn't work many hours anymore and I could do much of

I have been noticing some moths in my head lately. I go into the kitchen to get the yard stick and a phone, I come back with a cup of coffee. I sit down a realize I have forgotten both things I wanted so I get back up but then I wander in to make the bed and come back without the phone again. When I made the coffee this morning, I let the water run on the floor, then tried to pour the water in the pitcher back in to the tank. Do I have to make sticky notes on my fingers again? I checked to see what the Mayo Clinic as to say about chemo fog. There isn't a lot of research on it so the evidence is mostly anecdotal but they take it seriously. I could answer yes to many of these. I'm not confused in the sense of "where am I?  and "what am I doing here? I sometimes forget which doctor I'm seeing in which place and for what. Signs and symptoms of chemo brain may include: Being unusually disorganized  Confusion  Difficulty concentrating  Difficulty findi

It's off to chemotherapy we go. My second treatment is today and I go with some apprehension. The last one, except for a couple of drowsy days, was uneventful. Just waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know. Adriamycin, Cytoxan, dexamethasone, Zofran, lorazepam, and Compazine. Quite the chemical shit storm. Some are to fix the cancer and some are to fix the fix, as in lots of anti-nausea meds. That's good because puking is one of my least favorite activities. We had friends over last night, one a recent inductee to the world of cancer. She commented that a lot of people have trouble saying the word cancer and she's noticed that when family members call, they ask about "it" instead of cancer. I had trouble saying it at first. Maybe this is what they do at support groups...help you say the word. With the word comes acceptance. My hair has apparently not yet begun to disappear. I can tell because the bristles are all there. Regis reshaved me once and maybe

Christmas Eve was eventful, as always. Who wants to have one of those family celebrations where nothing goes wrong? I dropped six cupcakes on the floor and thankfully, only one had to be destroyed. The rest are rough looking but fine for eating. I also sent a wine glass crashing to the floor. Somebody else cleaned it up, good for them and lazy props to me. There's a link to all the Christmas pictures at the bottom of the post but these are a few of my favorites. This is me in my new blonde bomber wig, thanks Emily and Ella! The hat is a gift from Emily's mom, Kathy. Do they know me or what? It's my gangster moll look. Gus looked on in dismay from under the table. He was a good dog. Probably ate more cookies than is good for a dog, but what the hell. It's Christmas. Reggie wore my hat for a while. He looks like he's giving Alex some serious uncle advice here. Probably something like, "Go get us some of those peanut butter cookies,

Robyn Sarah has another poem on Writer's Almanac this morning. Her poem Riveted, on the right sidebar, is one of my favorites and was my first gratitude poem. Oh, in fact, I used her line "spellbound by our own imperfect lives" as my title. I love the message of this one...make much of something small. Bounty by Robyn Sarah Make much of something small. The pouring-out of tea, a drying flower's shadow on the wall from last week's sad bouquet. A fact: it isn't summer any more. Say that December sun is pitiless, but crystalline and strikes like a bell. Say it plays colours like a glockenspiel. It shows the dust as well, the elemental sediment your broom has missed, and lights each grain of sugar spilled upon the tabletop, beside pistachio shells, peel of a clementine. Slippers and morning papers on the floor, and wafts of iron heat from rumbling radiators, can this be all? No, look — here comes the cat, with one ear inside out. Make much of something small

I should have gotten back to the blog yesterday after writing that wretched whiny post but I am happy to report that I got myself out of my funk and was too busy. Most of those things I whined about yesterday have been resolved anyway which is usually what happens to irritations and annoyances. I made the favorite Fritsch/Saum family cookies yesterday. Peanut butter cookies in a small muffin tin with a Reese's Peanut Butter cup tucked in the center . Some families fight about stock portfolios and real estate, we fight about these cookies. Not really fight, of course, but when they hit the table you'd better stand back with your arms close to your sides. I had a wonderful nap in the afternoon. Regis brought me the cards that came in the mail and I drifted off to sleep with Christmas cards, sweet notes and pictures spread across the blankets. I got up and made a small ham and au gratin potatoes for dinner. One of my favorite meals. If you read the comments at the end of s

I feel like I'm ruminating on a whole list of minor complaints so I'm going to write them down and see if it's really as bad as I think it is. I have a head cold. Yesterday I would sneeze ten times in a row, my nose ran constantly, and my eyes were encircled with red and irritated circles. I was tired but I think it was just from the constant nasal activity. I felt pretty good from the neck down. I talked to the nurse yesterday and afterwards, I felt like I had exposed my self to the dreaded plague. Be careful of nose membranes and mouth membranes. Check your temperature. Go to the ER if your fever is over 100. Rinse my mouth with salt water. This could turn a guy into a hypochondriac. My port hurts. Thanks to my angel, Kathy, I have a collection of little pillows to cushion it but sharp pains come from under it, like Tremors. I figured out if I throw the pillows in the freezer, the coolness feels good even if only for a few minutes. The doctor said sometimes people

I made three meals yesterday. I only report this because it's a new land speed record. These were not cheese and cracker meals either. These were hot food of a healthy variety kind of meals. Hurray for me. This morning for breakfast, I had a piece of lefse with butter and a molasses cookie. If I had pickled herring in the house, I would have had some of that, too. Tis the season. I made a batch of my favorite molasses cookies. Of course, I got to the point where you add the molasses and I have none. Bless my husband's heart...off to the store he goes. Here's the recipe: Molly's Coffee Molasses Cookies 4 cups flour 1/2 teaspoon salt 2 and 1/4 teaspoons baking soda 2 teaspoons ground ginger 1 and 1/4 ground cloves 1 and 1/4 teaspoons cinnamon 1 stick butter, softened 1/2 cup vegetable shortening 3 and 1/2 cups sugar 1/2 cup molasses 2 large eggs 1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees and grease 2 large baking sheets. 2. In large bowl whisk together

I've been telling my Facebook friends to watch for angels among us because I know they are here. At first, I thought of them as elves, but now I think they are sort of a combination of characteristics of both: compassionate, tough, sweet, funny, prankster-loving helpers. I looked for an image of an angel this morning, but most of them look like porn star angels. Good grief. I found this. This is an angel would get the job done. She's not afraid to get her hands dirty. Those skinny barely-clothed angels with long flowing hair and bare feet could not really do the job. An angel would have to be sturdy even though they are celestial, I suppose. I'm thinking of these more as earth walking angels than religious angels, however. This is a nice one, too. A mama figure gathering all the children. I'm going to keep looking for angels and telling their stories. There are some wonderful folks out there. I've written before about my purple power port. It

When I started seeing pictures of my grandkids with Santa, I got the happy notion that I wanted my picture taken with Santa this year. I missed it when Santa came to the lumberyard in St. Peter so I put out the word that my friends should let me know when he came to town again. As luck would have it, we were walking into the HyVee yesterday morning and there was Santa, going in the other door! Regis and I grabbed a cart and trailed him through the deli and back to the entrance. He was setting up the Salvation Army red kettle so I asked if I could have my picture taken with him. He insisted I sit on his knee even though he was carrying a cane and I was a little worried about that. He was a funny Santa and it was a hoot. I woke up a little pissy again this morning. I had a call yesterday from a health care provider who I like very much. She wanted to know how I was doing. Appreciate that. I said sleeping is my biggest issue. She thinks it's because I am lying awake at night wo

I had a mostly wonderful day. I woke up a tiny bit pissy, as I reported on Facebook, and didn't feel like going to work out with Rachel. I took a warm shower, rubbed my bald head with Jojoba lotion from the Swedish Kontur, drank some coffee, and I changed my mind. The workout was great...all legs and abs...and Rachel is a lighthouse in a dark night. We picked Alex up at noon and went to Whiskey River for lunch. He had a great time counting the squirrels and wild turkeys (birds not whiskey). We ordered ribs for our Christmas Eve dining pleasure. Alex wanted to win an Angry Birds stuffed toy in the machine which costs a dollar a time and almost never gives up a toy. I tried to explain the dumbness of gambling and made a deal with him that he couldn't melt down if we didn't win one. We didn't win and he wasn't upset. He said maybe next time. The gambler's creed. I tried to take a nap to no avail. Sleep is elusive. Damn. I signed up for an online cancer

Because it's my blog, I get to decide on the content. I know my problems are not as bad as those some folks deal with but it's my life and I'm spellbound by it. Bad ass shit and all. Saturday night, I had terrible bone pain from Neulasta. Terrible? Probably a 5 on that little smiley face pain scale they give you. Tylenol didn't help. Nothing helped. So I spent a whiny and restless night. I woke up weepy in the morning. I haven't had many periods of weepy self-pity so I thought I could indulge myself. I cried on Regis's shoulder, I let a few tears run down my cheeks during The Nutcracker, and I wallowed in general misery most of the day. I knew it was happening so I did implement some defensive moves. I invited Ella to spend the afternoon. We watched The Nutcracker, the really old one with  Mikhail Baryshnikov  and Gelsey Kirkland. I had a glass of wine although the benefits of that are up for debate. Ella set up the Leopard Chair Cafe and served us fres

We had a pizza party last night. With a two-year old, a four-year old, and a 65-pound dog, our house is full to the brim. It was a fun time and the only casualty was a Schell's beer glass. The pizza was good, the salad from River Rock was delicious, and the Ravishing Red Velvet Cake was divine. We all licked our fingers. More moopish weather today. We could use some sunshine. I had a shot of Neulasta last Wednesday. It's purpose is to build up my white blood count and prevent infections but one of the side effects is bone pain. I wasn't worried because I have been wearing my shield of invincibility. Oh, yeah. That stopped working last night right about bedtime. My legs ache like a word I shouldn't say. I tried a heating pad, Tylenol, wine, heavy socks...to no avail. This morning, I will try exercise. Doctors are very smart; this I know. They must have giant flow charts to show where the bad cells are and what they do to combat them and what the side effects

Yesterday, I took two naps before noon and today, I haven't had one nap and it's almost 3 o'clock! I'd say that's progress. I've also gotten a lot of things done. I wrapped the gifts I need for tonight, bought more cards, finished my cards, made all the corrections to the spreadsheet, did errands downtown, went to the liquor store, and helped Regis make Bruce's apple pie recipe. Now, I need to head downtown to pick up the rest of the dinner fixin's but I'm feeling pretty darn smug about the state of my circle of influence. We simplified the Christmas meals. Tonight, Papa Murphy is making the pizzas and River Rock is providing the green salad (roasted butternut squash, blue cheese, and cranberries) and the Ravishing Red Velvet Cake. I love a menu that comes together like this! Elliot loves his bath and usually tries to convince me that he needs one when he comes for a visit. His mama sent me this picture by text message this morning so I kn

Regis and I are pretty sure that the guy who draws this cartoon knows us. Ella and I always wear aprons when we cook together. My apron is called Fight Like a Girl (See the breast cancer logos?) and my friend, Katy, in Georgia, is making Ella one just like it. I'm not sure I ever shared the hinder side of my Halloween Fun Run costume. I am an artificial knee and  I rigged up elastic tendons so the knee cap on my butt would move when I bent over. I didn't get a prize as they seemed to go in for traditional mummies and monsters. Ah, well. Ella and I had our picture taken by the giant cat after the race. I was going to write that Regis had taken me somewhere today but all I could think of was that it was out in the country. Oh, yeah, Walgreens. No exactly IN the country but we had to go through it to get there and we took the long scenic route home so I could eat my cheeseburger and Gus could have a few fries. It was a beautiful sunshiney day. I neede

It's a puzzle to me how my diagnosis of breast cancer can be like some of the others I hear about: Stage IV metastatic brain cancer, pancreatic cancer, esophageal cancer. Those seem a lot more dire and frightening and I wonder how those folks keep going. They must be the brave ones, the inspirational ones. Maybe it's that once you don your boxing robe, it doesn't seem so bad and you just dance on, forgetting what the words on the back say. Cancer is a mad procession of appointments and medications and procedures. Some have left me bruised and battered but most have been tolerable, even the ET hut I was in the other day to have my port installed. We wonder how people do it but maybe this is the answer. We all, we just do. Without thinking of the choices or the fairness or the conclusion, which will not be any different, really, than anyone else's conclusion in most ways that matter. Some of my sweet friends in the social media and friends who send me cards say

We have been sleeping better but Regis had a restless period and I needed a drink of water so here I am. Gus likes to sleep on the bed some nights so we had his furry self to contend with, too. I decided to get out of bed to re-hydrate and write a little after my last meds. Young Regis dropped off a bag of ice for us and was just in time for beef stew with dumplings. He stayed to eat stew and have a cookie at the end. Regis even made him a Manhattan for dessert. It had been a cold day in his truck with no heater. Our Christmas meals this year are going to be a combination of catering and pot luck. I'm ordering ribs for Christmas Eve from Whiskey River (I hope), and bread and desserts from River Rock. Reg thought they could bring cheese potatoes. Voila. Tiffany and Eric are coming on Saturday night because they won't be here Christmas Eve. We're having a pizza buffet, a big green salad catered from River Rock and a Red Velvet Cake. Easiest menu ever. Why do I wake up i

I do not know how people survive in the places where they have 24 hours of near darkness. Ack. Yesterday, I went back to the cancer center for a shot of Neulasta ®  (pegfilgrastim), a prescription medication used to reduce the risk of infection (initially marked by fever) in patients with some tumors receiving strong chemotherapy that decreases the number of infection-fighting white blood cells. We ordered a pizza for dinner and watched the movie Scrooged. My policy has been that the phone and lights go off about 7 o'clock and we watch a silly Christmas movie. It's very relaxing. Regis is in his recliner this morning and Gus is in his lap. It's their ritual. Gus lays his paw on the arm of the chair and Regis combs his ears while they watch the sun rise. It's a calm way to start the day for both of them. I stopped at River Rock for a gingerbread latte yesterday and ran into my friend, Jill, by accident. I also gleaned many gentle hugs from the lovely barista

Yesterday was my first chemotherapy treatment. I had all sorts of, so far, unfounded fears. The port install went just fine, although I thought they were a bit stingy with the Versed. I was looking forward to a long nap but I was barely in and out of wakefulness, no pain but awareness of them fiddling around with me, then fully awake as soon as they finished. I like to be less conscious than that. I ordered breakfast which was waiting for me when I got back to my curtained cubby hole. The eggs were cold but I don't mind them that way and it all tasted great, not having eaten since the day before. The photo at the top was my destination: Chemo Chair #8, Andreas Cancer Center. My chair hos lots of comforts: massage, heat, foot-rest, back recline, cup holder, and television remote. The nurses or volunteers will bring coffee, water, and pretty much your heart's desire. We packed a little bag lunch of peanut butter sandwiches, nuts, crackers, and dried fruit. Regis sat with