The Blog: Spellbound by our own imperfect lives...

I offer these photos as proof that my marbles are indeed coming back. First photo: my grocery list. Second photo: my two week menu. We don't always stick to it but it helps to have a hint. I make the menu and Regis looks through the Hy Vee ad and the coupons. We're a great team. I know this is not the best photo (taken with my phone...what kids call a selfie) but it demonstrates another move in the right direction. Cousin Deb sent me a package with the bubble necklace and the pretty bright orange sarong. I put them both on over my purple shirt and went to the coop to do some shopping for dinner. Regis is going to try cutting my hair today. I like it this short so I don't feel like paying 30 bucks for a haircut. Are we going down a weird path here? We've also started "stocking up" when things are on sale. I would take a picture of the mountain of toilet paper we have in the basement but it's embarrassing. If we suddenly kicked the bucket, o

Regis told me on the way home from the clinic the other day that it might be time for me to get back to my off-beat observations on the blog and leave the medical news behind. I think he's right. I feel more normal each day. Yesterday, I set the table with my 4th of July tablewear. Peter and April surprised us in the afternoon and ended up coming back for dinner. I got busy cooking and made a blueberry corn salad, a fruit bowl, and dry rubbed steaks. Good food and good company. The past year, we have been very disorganized in our cooking and eating. This morning we made a two-week menu and a lengthy grocery list. We're heading to HyVee tomorrow morning for provisions. I hope to have time to go through a cupboard this afternoon. I know there are weird things hiding in the back. I'm anxious to get back into my cookbooks and to make some of the summer foods we love. Chipotle aioli, spicy chicken wings and grilled romaine lettuce, crab cakes, stuffed peppers and st

The weather yesterday was glorious. We sat on the patio as much as possible and we slept with the window open which was wonderful but when the birds start singing at 4 am, it's time to wake up. When I walk out into the living room in the dark, I see my nightlight. A mouse reading a book. Such a soft and comforting light.   Today is my three-month follow-up appointment with my oncologist. My main oncologist. Although I will continue to see them every three months for the next two years, in my mind this signals the end of active treatment. Done with chemo, done with radiation, no lingering cancer cells according to the PET scan. It's bittersweet...I'll miss those folks and now I'm kind of on my own. I've thought for several months about how to say thank you to them. I know it's their job but I also know that medical care is not always this thoughtful and kind. To go to a place as often as I have in the past nine months and never feel dread is an amazi

I posted this photo yesterday...and I was right. It was the last time we have seen the sun since I took this picture. We woke up to the weather radio again this morning...more thunderstorms and rain and threat of severe weather. Penny size hail. Sigh. Soon after this we headed over to the Eastridge Clinic for my PET scan. It was not an unpleasant experience...just weird. I was escorted to a semi truck in the parking lot, installed in a comfortable chair, and injected with some radioactive stuff. I had to wait an hour for it to do its thing. The picture is from my pod. A curtain was drawn right around my feet and I could only peek out from time to time. The scan took about 25 minutes. The tube was bigger than the MRI tube, my head was out most of the time, and it wasn't noisy. The two characters who operated the machine and took care of me were fun. I had taken some sleepy drugs so Mike walked me back into the clinic, holding my arm like I was an old lady. My ea

I had to step outside in my pajamas this morning to take a picture of the sunshine and shadows. We have seen precious little of both lately. We're still experiencing thunderstorms, or at least the threat of them, so we appreciate the respite. We're headed over to Eastridge in Mankato this morning for my PET scan. PET stands for  positron emission tomography.  A PET scan uses radiation, or nuclear medicine imaging, to produce 3-dimensional, color images of the functional processes within the human body. I'll get injected with some radioactive shit and shoved into a tiny tube where I have to lie completely still for an hour. I'm sure it will be a lovely time. Said no person ever. Some of that stuff I took right off the internet so you could use it in a research paper if you wanted to...I am not usually so factual in my reportage. Meaning I exaggerate and dramatize for effect. We have a flank steak we're going to cook on the grill tonight. It's one

Back from two of four medical appointments this week. Thumbs up on both of these. I have graduated from radiation for the time being and I was glad to say good-bye to that experience. Adios, y'all! I'm going to plant some hostas today but apparently I am playing that game where you wait until the last minute...right before it starts to rain. Regis thinks he is going to get the front yard mowed, too, but that will be another touch and go situation. It's hard this year to find a time when the grass is dry enough to mow, it hasn't yet started to rain again, and you have the time and gumption to mow it. It takes a powerful and mysterious confluence of the forces in the universe. I didn't think I needed a nap today but now I wonder if that should be my reward for getting the planting done. A retreat to the blanket fort to read and play my new iPad game, Color Zen. I'm filling my garden with hostas and ivy. I got a few plants from Jill a few years back and

Sometimes when I get blue and feel like wallowing in self-pity or at least crankiness, I remind myself to look around and appreciate the things that appear where I don't expect them. That's serendipity, I guess. A happy accident or a pleasant surprise. Richie brought me this absolutely gorgeous peony from her garden yesterday. It's the most beautiful shade of pink and it's huge. She also brought a bowl of pasta salad that I loved. I'm not usually a big fan of those but this one was light and flavorful without being oily. Yummy lunch. I'm going to call her for the recipe. We went to the comedy show at the Treaty Site last night. There was not a big crowd (too many other things going on...) but we had a great time. I remember a friend of mine telling me, years ago, not to be disappointed when support or encouragement or empathy don't come from the people you expect it to come from but rejoice when it comes from other unexpected places. Last nigh

Today 91  °F T-storms 50% chance of precipitation Tonight 73 °F T-storms 60% chance of precipitation Tomorrow 86  | 64 °F T-storms 70% chance of precipitation Monday 84  | 72 °F Thunderstorm 20% chance of precipitation Tuesday 90  | 72 °F Chance of a Thunderstorm 20% chance of precipitation Wednesday 90  | 68 °F Partly Cloudy This is our weather forecast for the next four days. Unpleasant because we have already had several days of booming thunderstorms and heavy rain. Last night we had some nickel size hail that didn't seem to do any damage. It's dark and cloudy this morning and the feeders are full of birds, many of them young ones. Grackles, robins, doves. Cardinals and orioles seem to keep their babies at home for a long time. I feel better than I did a few days ago but I still don't feel right somehow. Anxious? Yes. Filled with dread? No. Somewhere between the two...on the freak-out continuum. I j

On Wednesday, we went to Waseca for my MRI. The purpose was to investigate the reason for my back and leg pain which has been much better since last week. I expected to get a report that everything was fine although I had some deep down fears of the kind you don't mention because people will think you're crazy. My phone rang as I walked back into the house about 4 o'clock. My local doctor already had the report. Good news was that my nerves, joints, discs, and all looked fine. No mechanical problems. But the report didn't rule out metastasis. What the fuck. METASTASIS. Here we go. Dead man walking. Anybody who has had any proximity to cancer knows that metastasis is bad shit. Very bad shit. It means the cancer soldiers have taken their pup tents and set up outposts everywhere. Yesterday I woke up at 8, went back to bed at 9, and stayed there in my blanket fort until about noon when Judy, my sweet research nurse, called to talk me off the cliff. She said to focus o

poem ~ from “The Word,” by Tony Hoagland Down near the bottom of the crossed-out list of things you have to do today, between “green thread” and “broccoli” you find that you have penciled “sunlight.” Resting on the page, the word is as beautiful, it touches you as if you had a friend and sunlight were a present he had sent you from some place distant as this morning — to cheer you up, and to remind you that, among your duties, pleasure is a thing, that also needs accomplishing. Bounty by Robyn Sarah Make much of something small. The pouring-out of tea, a drying flower's shadow on the wall from last week's sad bouquet. A fact: it isn't summer any more. Say that December sun is pitiless, but crystalline and strikes like a bell. Say it plays colours like a glockenspiel. It shows the dust as well, the elemental sediment your broom has missed, and lights each grain of sugar spilled upon the tabletop, beside pistachio shells, peel of a clementine. Slippers and morning papers on

Herbs on the patio! Garden art has consolidated itself into one spot. Teresa and Gus enjoy an afternoon on the patio. This is where we live in the summer. I think I'm making some progress in my journey to the end of cancer treatment. I have an MRI today, I see the radiation oncologist Monday, and my main dude oncologist on Friday. He will outline the follow-up and long-term care plan for me. Picking up the pieces means, for me, that I go back to doing normal things normally. Not sleeping all day but trying to be active and resume activities like exercise and cooking and cleaning and gardening. I've done a little cooking in the past week and enjoyed it. Nothing too fancy...chipotle aioli, Mexican tabbouleh, banana bread. It was nice to be in the kitchen making something tasty, with the radio and a glass of wine. I'm going to work in my garden for an hour this morning before I have to get ready for the trip to Waseca. Hosta planting

I'm starting this week with my left front quadrant swathed in Silvadene, gauze pads, and my fishnet tank top. It's a hotter than the hubs of hell combination. There are four things I wanted to do today and I have already finished three of them. These are not big projects, understand, and one of them was taking a shower. I like to keep my expectations low. We had a very nice time yesterday but didn't take any pictures. It all just went so fast. We had three (make that four!) children here and they were good, but excitable and busy. The weather was beautiful, Tiffany and Amber took over in the kitchen, and we ended the day on the patio for a quiet drink at almost dusk. I love summer.

Today is Father's Day. In honor of all the men in our families, and among our friends who are important male figures in their clans, we recognize it as Patriarch's Day. It's not just biological relationships that are important...it's all the uncles and brothers and friends, dads, and step dads. I can't linger long here today because, as is typical of me, I have a ton of last-minute things to do. I made banana bread this morning! An ordinary day kind of thing that I appreciate being able to accomplish. It's in the oven...I followed a recipe...it smells heavenly! I'll be back at the end of the day to share photos and stories.

Yesterday I went to my last (God willing) radiation treatment. About a month ago, I had mixed feelings about leaving the safety and security of treatment but the past two weeks, I have been chomping at the bit, as horse people say. Here I am leaving the cancer center. I asked my radiation oncologist about the absence of balloons and a parade. He smirked. So, after that. Here is where I spent two hours of the afternoon. I have had horrific back pain this week. It isn't so bad during the day but it kept me from sleeping at night which after a few days, makes you feel psycho. The nurses and my oncologist want it resolved quickly because I'm scheduled to take an aromatase inhibitor and one of the side effects can be joint pain. Aromatase inhibitors prevent your body from producing hormones which can stimulate tumor growth. I'll take something like Ameridex for 5-10 years. I'll have one of these on Wednesday. Seems like we just can't go a week without

Last time I have to go through this door for treatment!

Remember how I felt so good and so normal for the last week? Remember the list of things to do that actually got done? Well, that all lasted until Monday when a backache and hip pain going down my legs reminded me of what's gone on the last months. Bang. Enough euphoria...back to earth. At first I thought I had just overdone it for a few days. Cleaning drawers, after all! But it's persisted and it makes it nearly impossible to sleep, especially on my side. I did some reading this morning on the Interwebs (dangerous) and it's a common topic on cancer blogs and forums. Shit. Damn. Hell. I was happier when I thought it was from cleaning drawers. I'm going to ask about it at the cancer center today. One of my major thinking errors was believing that this would all end the day I walked out of there for the last time. Seems the chemo and radiation effects linger for a long time. Sigh. And, by the way, I won't be walking out of there for the last time for a long ti

A couple of winters ago, I posted pictures of the garden bunny as he was covered with snow. A couple times, even his ears didn't poke out of the snow and he's about two feet tall. My friend, Mo, in New Orleans and her husband, Cliff, got quite a kick out of the bunny and all the snow. They requested a new picture of the bunny in his summer surroundings. He looks better in chives than all that snow! There's a long story about this little item (about 4 inches wide to start) but it involves radiation and skin eruptions so I won't tell the whole thing. My doc prescribed some antibiotic cream and the nurse gave me this to keep the dressings on. She said to put my head through the top and my arms through the tiny holes. It worked and looks like a fishnet tank top. Not to be worn in public by itself, believe me. Turns out, after wearing this fashion statement for 24 hours, it helps some issues and aggravates others. The next few weeks could be rough, dermatolo