The Blog: Spellbound by our own imperfect lives...

Tonight I talked to Jane, my Iowa friend of almost 40 years, who I talk to enough that we are almost neighbors (or relatives) and I talked to Doug, a friend from the same era who I have talked to so infrequently over the years that we could be considered strangers. Except we aren't and the years fall away when we laugh. Doug and I started working together, 40 years ago, when I was a very fresh from the patch Minnesota school teacher and he was a Vietnam veteran who lived in the attic of the old house where my school was housed. He had ghosts, terrible ghosts but we never talked about it then. I didn't know how to bring it up and I'm not sure he wanted to talk about it. Tonight, after so many years, I heard him laugh again. I have a picture of him, taken in Viet Nam, a haunting image burned into my brain. War is a terrible thing we do to young men.

Regis and I both had the flu in December. The influenza kind that last for days. He had it right before Christmas, gave it to me in the form of a cold on the 23rd which turned into the flu on the 26th. It feels like we lost the month of December. This is the view from my bedroom window where I have spent a lot of time lately. I missed most of the beautiful sunshine of the last three days so I kept the curtains open to enjoy what I could. I have a giant pile of recipes that I've accumulated over the fall when I was doing so much cooking. I thought I was ready to go electronic with my recipes but there's something about a paper recipe that I like. There are small spills, notes about substitutions, notes about whether we liked it or not. Hard to do that electronically. I'll go through these and try to file the ones we loved and get rid of the ones that were ho-hum. I piled my books and electronic devices on the bed yesterday so I wouldn't even have to

I'm hoping the slideshow works. Technology gets me sometimes. I told Regis I was going to work with the pictures for a while, then I was going to put my lazy pants on for a while. I can hear a nap calling my name. I woke up this morning and almost had to issue a crabby alert because we had our Christmas Eve celebration at Tom and Betty's house so all the food was there and I was here. But then I found a bag of buttered lefse in my purse. Ah...all was well. We went up and cleaned up the mess which wasn't as bad as it first looked. We had a lot of fun. Their house is big so the kids had a lot of places to explore and play...and mess up. They were especially interested in the bar in the basement which isn't such a worry when they're five but might be more of a worry when they are fifteen. I only had a couple of near misses caused by cooking in an unfamiliar kitchen. Food I thought I brought there, was here. Or things I thought were here, were there. It all

I slept hard from 9 o'clock last night until 5 o'clock this morning. Merry Christmas to me. I made Vi Hanson's bread machine buns yesterday but when I got done, I had 15 large buns and 10 small ones. It didn't seem like quite enough so I whipped up another double batch. I made them in my KitchenAid instead of the bread machine but that worked out fine. I was so tired by the time they were on the cooling rack that I had one of these and went to bed. Woody is perched right in front of my computer this morning. He loves the spot front and center, in front of the monitor, where he just sits with his eyes closed purring. He has been fed, he has had treeats, he needs nothing...he just likes to sit there. Ah, well. I think I'm going to do the dishes then make a batch of cinnamon rolls so Regis and I have something special to have with our breakfast in the morning. Merry Christmas, my friends.

I remember ten years ago, sitting at the breakfast table on Christmas morning, over a big meal, weeping because I was so tired. I had cooked a big Christmas Eve meal, shopped, wrapped, partied myself into a state of exhaustion. What is the sense of that? The next year, I cut back severely on gift buying and meal making. I cut back on baking to the point that we make one or two kinds of cookies and if they get eaten before the holiday, oh, well. I gave away a ton of decorations to the thrift store. You can't believe those ads on television and the stories in magazines. It will make you crazy. I believe in doing about 50% of what you think you really want to do because that's about all you can really do. I kept the things that make me laugh...the Santa hats, the surprise gift giving, the Christmas movies. I'm still on the fence about cards. I'm sorry to admit this but I really don't enjoy very much a card with only names in it. If that's your practice, you c

I got out of bed at 7 am and opened the bedroom curtain to find it was PITCH dark outside. Not even a hint of light. About 7:30, it started to get a little lighter but not much. Whoa. Winter Solstice! Good thing I had a little celebration planned for the afternoon at exactly 5:03. It would have been nice to do this out in the sunshine but it was cold and gray and wet...so I didn't. I set out these little things: a bunny, two crystals, three candles, a glass of tea, and a cookie. I played Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles and read a poem called Winter Grace. It was a lovely moment. Gus was very curious but it might have been the promise of a cookie and not the ancient ritual of the solstice. Woody loves bags and boxes. If he is sound asleep in the bedroom and hears a box being opened, he tears into the living room to investigate. He likes most kinds of bags but especially the kind he can hide in completely. I bought a new Santa hat today and then wore it while

I hope I am not breaking any copyright laws by posting this here, although I most likely am. I love this article and this is the only safe place to archive it. I'm going outside to celebrate the Solstice at 5:03. I have a candle, some crystals, a cup of tea, and a poem. The Invitation of December BY BARBARA MAHANY ( @BARBARAMAHANY ), GUEST CONTRIBUTOR There is something about December, all right. And I call it a gift. It might be my ancient Celtic roots , or maybe it’s my monastic inclinations, but give me a gray day, a day shrouded in mist and peekaboo light. Give me a shadowed nook to slip into, and I wrap myself in the cloak of utter contentment. It’s dark all right, come December, month of the longest night, when minute by minute our dot on the globe is darkening. Today, December 21st, darkness shrouds all but nine hours — give or take a few minutes and seconds — of mainland America's hustle and bustle. Yet darkness to me is alluring; it calls me to turn inside, to be

Regis sent me this beautiful photo of the sunrise yesterday when he took Gus for a walk. It was a bitterly cold morning and I bet there were sun dogs later. Such a sun shiny day and I was stuck inside. I worked three days this week and ugh, I might have made a mistake. I am behind at home, I am cranky from all the mental stimulation, and I haven't seen the sun. Did I mention that I haven't seen the sun? We went to Pet Expo last night for emergency dog food. We usually are stocked up but somehow, we used the last cup at lunch time yesterday. Gus seemed to know because at 5:00, he stood staring morosely at the empty bin. If you look in the back of this picture, Santa is in the check-out line. I waved when we came in but he was a customer and not an event so I didn't intrude to ask for a photo. I was amazed that most people just went about their business and ignored him. I spent the day at my volunteer job. Here is evidence that I do, in fact, do this. I

I have a day light. I try to get out in the sunshine when we have some. I try to do the things the people who know, recommend. But it descends...the dark of winter. Even in making plans for a Christmas celebration. I send an email, I get impatient and cranky, nobody understands. I cry. There is not an explanation. My cousin calls to tell me she had a life-changing event yesterday; she was struck by a car as she crossed a street. She could easily have died. One head knock away from the other side. We both cry as we talk about the trauma from that...like rape or cancer. She could have died. They make fun of me. Say I have a bad memory because they told me they were coming. And what's the big deal? Maybe there is not a big deal. Maybe I am a little crazy and controlling. I am sorry. Ah, well.

Nap away the gray days. I had decided to come to terms with winter and darkness this year. My plan included walks in the moonlight, snow shoeing, snow men and snow angels, candles in the evenings. Somehow none of that works very well when it's 40 degrees, all the snow is gone, and it's rainy and foggy. New plan needed desperately. I just searched for "winter" in my blog posts. Now, that is a depressing list of rants. You can find it here.   One of the subject lines has to do with all the people I knew who fell down that winter. Good grief. I am subbing for the media guy at the high school today. I enjoy being in the library...lots of books and kids reading books. It makes for a nice day. I have not been exercising much lately and I can feel it. I walk with Regis occasionally and keep having the idea that I will get back to the gym but so far, it hasn't happened. Maybe I need a new thing...belly dancing or something. Oh, good grief. I just had a

I love the holidays. Really, I do. But it's so easy to get overwhelmed with busy-ness and shoulds. This year, I may not do cards or a letter. We're trying to be guided by what feels right in the moment. Being in a hurry does not feel right. Things I do love: Santa, shopping for surprise gifts, baking, sharing food with friends, mailing things to small children, holiday music (I have a new playlist with more than six hours of music!), and some version of decorating. I remember seeing in a magazine once, pictures of a family in a huge log home decorated by professionals, they wore matching pinafores, and even the men and the dogs matched. There wasn't a thing out of place. Yeah, that's not what it looks like here, but we've decided to be happy with our imperfection. Last night we went to see some great music at the Wine Cafe in Mankato. The venue was a little small for the large sound but it was fun. Today, I'm taking a friend to Mankato to

This is me with Kristi, my Livestrong instructor. She is amazing because she believes love always wins. We heard this week about another member of my group, Mary Reichel , who has had a nasty recurrence of her cancer. Mary was diagnosed with cervical cancer two years ago but had a brain aneurysm before she could complete her treatment. Now, the cervical cancer has come back with a vengeance in her abdomen. She is a single mom of two kids and she had a job with no benefits and no sick time. First of all, it makes me so angry that in our wealthy country where baseball players make millions of dollars per game, THIS kind of shit can happen to people. No sick time? No benefits? Heartless bastards. So, Kristi and I texted a few times yesterday morning. I said Captain Livestrong might need to make a trip to Rochester. You don't mention anything on a whim to Kristi...you better just get in the car if you do. Two hours later, we are going down the road, Captain Livestrong and Capt

I had an infusion of Zometa the other day to stave off the effects of osteoporosis. I think if it had only been the O, I would have passed but I always have this lingering fear of cancer traveling to my bones and setting up a recon camp. That would be pretty shitty. So, even though my doctor doesn't say this will help that, it makes sense in my head. And yes, I got my MD on the internet. The first 12 hours were fine, then I woke up at midnight feeling like I had been stuffed in a gunny sack and beaten with a rubber hose. Every inch of my body, inside and out, hurt like a bitch. There are no other words. When I moved my head it bonged like Big Ben. Nothing helped because I avoid NSAID drugs. My nurse, who said these nasty symptoms have been known to last a month, convinced me to try it. So, tear up my stomach...just make the headache go away. I spent 36 hours in bed, whining, demanding, sleeping, and trying to roll over from time to time. I feel better so far this morning so I a