Friday morning medical update good grief

Yesterday I went to my last (God willing) radiation treatment. About a month ago, I had mixed feelings about leaving the safety and security of treatment but the past two weeks, I have been chomping at the bit, as horse people say. Here I am leaving the cancer center. I asked my radiation oncologist about the absence of balloons and a parade. He smirked.

So, after that. Here is where I spent two hours of the afternoon.

I have had horrific back pain this week. It isn't so bad during the day but it kept me from sleeping at night which after a few days, makes you feel psycho. The nurses and my oncologist want it resolved quickly because I'm scheduled to take an aromatase inhibitor and one of the side effects can be joint pain.

Aromatase inhibitors prevent your body from producing hormones which can stimulate tumor growth. I'll take something like Ameridex for 5-10 years.

I'll have one of these on Wednesday. Seems like we just can't go a week without a medical appointment. This one is in Waseca....road trip!

We cancelled our planned trip to see Mom this weekend. Between my back pain and my skin eruptions, I would be a somewhat miserable traveler. Besides, I can't wear the usual lady's undergarment and I don't want to be flopping around my hometown like a trollop.

I'm trying to invent a method for holding dressings on the burns and skin eruptions. Tube sock, maybe?

Nancy, this week I'm going to start delving into the book you gave me...the one about getting your life back after cancer treatment. I'm going to write a post on angels who walk among us again, but you were one!

Moving on this morning. Maybe more later.

end of radiation

Last time I have to go through this door for treatment!

sigh...again

Remember how I felt so good and so normal for the last week? Remember the list of things to do that actually got done? Well, that all lasted until Monday when a backache and hip pain going down my legs reminded me of what's gone on the last months. Bang. Enough euphoria...back to earth.

At first I thought I had just overdone it for a few days. Cleaning drawers, after all! But it's persisted and it makes it nearly impossible to sleep, especially on my side.

I did some reading this morning on the Interwebs (dangerous) and it's a common topic on cancer blogs and forums. Shit. Damn. Hell. I was happier when I thought it was from cleaning drawers.

I'm going to ask about it at the cancer center today. One of my major thinking errors was believing that this would all end the day I walked out of there for the last time. Seems the chemo and radiation effects linger for a long time. Sigh.

And, by the way, I won't be walking out of there for the last time for a long time. They will follow me for ten years...maybe fifteen.

If it weren't about the 85th day in a row, the rain and thunder this morning would be pleasant. I did all my planting yesterday so the little begonias and impatiens will be happy to get a real drink. I have been known to buy plants and then let them sit unattended to until they croak from benign neglect. Getting them into the dirt the same day I bought them is some kind of record for me.

We're having some neighbors over tonight. I had thought I would tidy up the house and make it looks like someone else lives here but now that I can hardly bend over, I have to abandon that agenda. I guess they'll just see me as I am. Box of books under the table? Yes, that's where it lives. Laundry basket in the living room? Yes, it can sit there.

I had crossed my fingers that the weather would be pleasant and we could be on the patio and people could go to their own homes to use the bathroom. No such luck.

I have two friends who are coming to help me today and Regis is a big help so all will be fine. Anybody who complains about the ambiance can take their paper plates of potato chips and Saltines and go home.

I think I'll post sticky notes on doors and windows. Don't go in here. Don't look out this window. Don't go in the porch. Enter at your own risk. Haha. That would be funny.

tuesday

A couple of winters ago, I posted pictures of the garden bunny as he was covered with snow. A couple times, even his ears didn't poke out of the snow and he's about two feet tall. My friend, Mo, in New Orleans and her husband, Cliff, got quite a kick out of the bunny and all the snow. They requested a new picture of the bunny in his summer surroundings. He looks better in chives than all that snow!

There's a long story about this little item (about 4 inches wide to start) but it involves radiation and skin eruptions so I won't tell the whole thing. My doc prescribed some antibiotic cream and the nurse gave me this to keep the dressings on. She said to put my head through the top and my arms through the tiny holes. It worked and looks like a fishnet tank top. Not to be worn in public by itself, believe me.

Turns out, after wearing this fashion statement for 24 hours, it helps some issues and aggravates others. The next few weeks could be rough, dermatologically speaking.

Regis took this picture of Ella and Alex at Whiskey River after our bird identification adventure. We had a great time and they did a great job finding the birds. We saw grosbeaks, finches, hummingbirds, orioles, cardinals, and a flock of wild turkeys.

Our neighbor, the lawn warrior has purchased for himself a new weed whacker. This thing could whack weeds in the jungle...way more than a guy needs to whack lawn grass. It sounds like a damn jet ski which is such a pleasant thing in a residential neighborhood where people are trying to enjoy some time outside in the evening.

With our wet and cool spring, the lilacs have been magnificent. These grow on the side of our house but I could smell them sitting on the patio. Ah, life is good.

monday morning

Regis is very entertaining. He woke me in the middle of the noise making a thunderous honking noise, then said, "Try...again", in a loud, robotic voice. He doesn't remember the dream.

I only have dreams occasionally and usually don't remember them since they take the form of gray, amorphous blobs that chase me. Anxiety dreams. Regis dreams intricate, Stephen King-like plots that include kindergarten classmates with complete names. I don't remember kindergarten classmates in my conscious moments.

I did enough things yesterday to cross them off a list and I made some written-down plans for the week. This is amazing progress since a few weeks ago, if I went to the store for three things, I forgot two of them.

I'm not into lists of things to do so much lately, having read the zen blog, but I figured a list would help me remember what I wanted to do and would make me feel a sense of productivity when I could cross things out. It did both of those things. I was quite proud of my clean desk-top.

We're meeting Miss Ella and Alex (and Bob) at Whiskey River for lunch today. We bought Ella and Alex the Minnesota bird guide and Regis wants to teach them how to use it. It's organized by bird color so I think they can manage it. They showed an interest in ours last time they were here, but being 4 and 7, you never know. It could have been a passing fancy.

I picked a book off the shelf this morning, Inheriting the Land: Contemporary Voices from the Midwest (Mark Vinz and Thom Tammaro, editors). I remember buying it about twenty years ago at a conference on Midwest writers in Marshall, organized by Bill Holm. It was my introduction to "local" writers and it was a dawning of consciousness. Real poets and writers lived in my midst.

This is amazing and pitiful considering I was an English major in college. One of my professors was a poet and I don't recall him ever mentioning his own writing, only dead British writers whose books I could not stomach. (Being an English major almost killed my love of reading.) I discovered his books in a bookstore later and was amazed that a man I had seen in the flesh had published books of poems.

The book's pages are well-worn, written on, flagged, and much loved. I'm glad I stumbled upon it.

This is my last week of radiation treatments and I have survived. My skin is a bit messed up but honestly, better than last week, I think. More musings on this as the week goes along. End of treatment. Dealing with life as it moves on from cancer. Letting go of the fears. Getting back to normal.

update

I had these things on my list of things to do today.

• Makes scones- done
• Change bedding- in process
• Make walleye for dinner 
• Invite kids for Patriarch's Day- done
• Print insurance paperwork
• Plant impatiens 
• Think about agenda for the week

That doesn't look very good, so far, but I have done some other things. I cleaned off my desk area. I have two boxes of donation stuff, a giant bag of trash, and a bare desktop. Hurray for me!

Symbolic of an attempt to gather my marbles after my past eight months of debilitation, is the fact that the calendar over my desk is now on June instead of January.

Also cleaned out the little red cabinet by the front door. I'm taking a break because in my usual fashion, I'm tired now and will start to do a half-assed job.

watching myself walk and talk

After two hours of sleep on Friday night and my inability to nap yesterday, Regis and I went for an early dinner to Patrick's. We cruised around town for a while first to check out the Blues Fest action but I was too cold and dopey to attend.

I had a couple glasses of wine with dinner and with that little sleep, wine's pretty much like anesthesia. Count backwards from ten...it was a weird experience...like I could see and hear myself blabbing uncontrolled but there was not much of a connection between my brain and my mouth. Good thing I had a caretaker. The good news is that I slept well last night.

My mom, brother Pat and SIL Helen, and cousin Deb all traveled to Ephrata, Washington to help many more cousins celebrate my Auntie Jean's 90th birthday today. It looks like a grand party and even though I don't like to travel, this would have been fun.

Happy birthday, Auntie Jean!

I said in my post yesterday that maybe I had the brain cells to follow a recipe now. The first thing I am going to try is the scones Betty gave me. All I have to do is add water to the mix and bake them so I should be able to handle that. (They were easy and delicious!)

Cold and rainy again today. What a surprise. Yesterday, I thought I saw a snow flake. I think it was a piece of dust but I would not have been surprised. My friend, Sharon, has a pool that's been open and ready for a month but she has yet to even wet her toes in it. Our summers are so short, we grieve the loss of one day!

Our lawn needs cutting badly but it's been hard this past week when it's not raining, the grass is dry enough, and we have the gumption to do it. It takes a major confluence of the forces in the universe.

Here's my list of things to do today:

• Makes scones (Thanks, Betty!)
• Change bedding
• Make walleye for dinner (Thanks, Bob and Richie!)
• Invite kids for Patriarch's Day
• Print insurance paperwork
• Plant impatiens (Thanks, Richie!)
• Think about agenda for the week

I'll write more later. I feel some obligation now to update my list of things to do.

wicked bad sleep

I went to bed at a reasonable hour and tried many, many times between then and 4 a.m. to go to sleep, to no avail. I should have just gotten out of bed but you know how it is, sleep is right there tugging at your eyelids and then bang, you're awake again. Shit.

There were no gray faced men marching around the bed this time. Just a general restless feeling.

I think I slept from 4 until 6. I'm up now, drinking coffee, stirring the steel cut oats, letting Gus out, and waiting for the sun to shine. I saw vague shadows for about ten minutes but now the elusive sun has winked out again.

There is a pair of woodpeckers who are so devoted to the peanut feeders in the garden that they look like permanent attachments. Peanuts and grape jelly have been popular at the bird cafeteria this year. There is a drop of grape jelly on my picture window that I keep thinking is a red bird in a tree. Oh, no. Jelly. Knowing me, it will be there for a long time.

I once had a mulberry bird poop stain on a curtain on the porch. I left it there forever because I wondered how that happened. Bird coming flying very close to the window screen in a high wind? You can see why this fascinated me.

Well, that's in for my Saturday morning observations. I think someone sprinkled sand in my eyes.

Me, pitching a fit.

what does it all mean?

My brain has been spun to shit in the last eight months. Here is a list of random observations from this week.

• I have felt normal in the last two days, and even started gathering and sorting some things. The basket is full of paperwork I have gathered from various places around the house that have collected during my period of debilitation. Scary to behold.
• I told Regis I might even be able to follow a recipe now. 
• I have spent about twelve hours in medical facilities this week for a variety of reasons, not all my own. I get into elevators now and have a blank moment where I wonder where I am and for what purpose.
• When I say normal, I mean no headache, no feeling of dizzy and rootless, no completely numb brain. Chemo vets: Could this mean that that shit is finally moving out of my system? 
• I read that the brain fog could last for two years but by then I could be in the target range of dementia so how will I know?
• My daughter and my grandson are compulsively clean. They did not get this from me. 
• While waiting at the hospital today, Tiffany offered to help organize our house, but she has no idea what a job that will be. I said she could give me weekly assignments.
• Young Regis and Old Regis have spent all day (8:00 to 4:30, so far.) trying to fix or replace a kitchen faucet which begs the question: Where is the line where DIY does not pay? 
• Of course, you get in half-way and then it's too late. It's an investment. Besides, I like a man with a wrench in his hand. I do appreciate their hard work.
• I hate going in those man malls like Men R Nerds and Lows-Down and Dirty so it is a good thing I didn't have to be a part of this adventure except for sitting in the chair with a glass of wine, providing commentary. It's what I do best.
• There is a pair of grackles monopolizing the bird feeders this week. They are raising two babies. Normally, I loathe grackles but I do admire their devotion to their babies. Looks like a mama and a daddy feeding them. Or two mommies, two daddies, or two aunties.
• We are in the process of straightening out some insurance/annuity/401K stuff for our retirement. It my absolute worst nightmare so my emails to the professionals who will help us with this contain lots of "haha!" and "..." and "I suck at this". I don't think there is any other way to do it.
• My mom doesn't think there is a need to cuss. She chides me gently to find other vocabulary but I am of Mike's opinion that the persistent withholding of cuss words does some bad shit in your brain. He says it's like a cork in there and the pressure builds up and up until POW!!! Use of cuss words in appropriate settings allows that steam to be released slowly. I love you, Mom!
• Here is a link to my friend, Mike's comedy show on the 22nd of June in the SP area. We have always had a great time and if you love live comedy, this will be a major event. 

snow angel at 12,000 feet and other observations

Katie made a snow angel in the Rocky Mountains! 12,000 feet!

She gets the altitude award for snow angels, I'd say. I loved all the snow angels. I hope I got all of them published. I told my brother, Bruce, yesterday that I have too many ways for information to get into my head. Sometimes I look at an email on my phone in the car and by the time I have landed, it has flitted out of my head.

Miss Darby with her blue heron doppelganger, Duke of Earl.

I went out to fill the bird feeders early this morning (Were you watching, Dad?) and it feels like we're on the shores of Lake of the Woods where the ice is barely off the water. It's beautiful, though...everything is so green and lush. Sharon said we are living in the Emerald City.

There is an absolute chorus of orioles in the yard this morning. We should be more like birds. No matter what the weather or the circumstances, they just go on with their singing, their bird seed eating, and their flitting about the yards.

One oriole has been singing in the neighbor's maple tree for more than an hour...non-stop.

I'm so glad my parents taught me an appreciation for birds and nature. I told Mom yesterday, that no matter how many times we see an oriole or a cardinal or a rose breasted grosbeak at our feeder, we point and go "ahhh...look!".

I have been reading a tiny bit about the finance man behind Tom Petters who is currently on trial for fraud. I seriously don't get it. He's like an alien life form or a character from a Carl Hiaasen novel. Here's a link to the whole mess if you're curious. At least check out the photos and the character descriptions. The guy's suit and tie are what got my attention. Where do you buy clothes like that? At the store for shysters?

Regarding Carl Hiaasen, I have been reading his books like a mad woman and now Regis is interested. Carl has a very cynical view of the government and its role in the preservation of the environment, particularly in Florida, but his books are laugh-out-loud funny. And probably enough truth to be frightening.

Don't you love that I call him Carl, like I know him? I did put the link and a comment on Facebook, alerting him to the story. I'm sure he will appreciate the tip.

I better get moving. Yesterday, with all our running around, I ate crap. It's a shame that medical facilities serve food like they do and I won't even go into the Egg McMuffin I had at McDonald's. Well, maybe I will. That only served as sustenance and not good sustenance at that. Ack, as Bill the Cat says.

what the hell, as they say

Here's today's update as of 4 pm. Remember the title of the blog is spellbound by our own imperfect lives. So, if you aren't as captivated by my observations as I am, here's your chance to bail.

We went to see Dr. K at the Daniel's Clinic this morning. Poor Regis was wretchedly ill. It was painful to watch him. He felt so awful, I think he was glad to be driven to the clinic.

Dr. K sent him to Mankato for IV fluids and zolfran, an anti-nausea drug.

I had already changed my radiation RX to 1:00 so that worked out fine.

The infusion therapy center which I like to call the inversion therapy center...

is not nearly (not even close) as nice as the Andreas Center so if you have a choice, now you know what to pick. Chemo would have been an entirely different experience if I had gone to this place. Not mentioning any names.

And by the way, consider the symptoms of the stomach flu and think about why inversion therapy would be a very, very bad thing. Haha...laughing out loud at my own joke.

I was really feeling like poor, poor pitiful me when we stopped at the clinic. Remember, it's me who is tired of medical appointments. Then I walked around the big building in the beautiful sunshine, stepped up to smell the new growth on the evergreens, and started to laugh. What the hell, as they say.

Having a glass of wine and listening to my lawn warrior neighbor mow his lawn again.

a random list

1. I was in a slump last week. End of the ninth inning with two outs or something like that. I'm not good at sports metaphors.
2. I am better this week. Yesterday, I stopped at Mary's Flowers (Where fun and flowers meet!), drove myself to radiation, went to the grocery store, went to Swedish Kontur for some of those fine dish cloths, and went to the PO. I like to call it the PO because the short story by Eudora Welty, Why I Live at the PO, is one of my favorites. Dawn helped me figure out which boxes I needed.
3. Regis has been sick with some wretched stomach virus. He blamed it on the Mexican food we had "out" on Monday but I don't think that's it. I am dragging him to the doctor today The left-overs from that meal are still in the refrigerator, unclaimed. Norovirus = bad shit.
4. I have had to be responsible for Gus with Regis sick. There is good/bad in that. 
5. We had planned to have a party to welcome our new neighbors to the hood. They came in November but went to India for a month, then we were all busy with the holidays, winter, cancer, and shit like that. Anyway, the party was supposed to be tonight and in my usual procrastination mode, I didn't get the last invites issued until last night. Now, with Regis sick, I have to undo it all. Crap.
6.  Elliot has to have some dental/medical work done on Friday at 8:30 in Same Day Surgery. I told Tiffany I would meet her there and then just go to my radiation appointment. I've been there so much in the last year, it feels like a second home.
7. My mom leaves on her big adventure tomorrow. Her sister, Jean is turning 90 on Sunday. The trip involves a drive to Sioux Falls, a flight to Denver, another flight to Seattle, and a two-hour drive to eastern Washington. I'm sure I have written about this before because I am in awe of people who can accomplish trips like this.
8. I told my cousin, a world traveler, about an older fellow I know who didn't want to take a plane trip but was encouraged by his family and finally went to the airport where he promptly fell down and had to be taken away by ambulance. Deb said if I ever try that, she'll know it's a ploy to avoid a trip and she'll just yell at me, "Teresa, get up off the ground! We're going!" I should have kept my mouth shut.
9. I have been playing Scrabble on my iPad. I just want to do it myself but the only options are to play against a player online or to play the computer. I know that damn thing cheats. I get three I's, a U, and a bunch of other crap. The computer makes words like admonish and adze. Damn it. I paid five dollars for that stupid game.
10. More later...

trying to get my shit in one seabag

I haven't written in a few days again. No particular reason, in fact, I was surprised it had been so long. Maybe not much is going on, maybe I don't take the time to observe, maybe I'm tired of and tired from this long haul of treatment.

I keep meaning to get back on my horse but it doesn't seem to happen. Every day I think I will do something...go for a walk, do some shopping, make some bars, clean off my desk...and every day slips by and I don't do it.

I whined when I saw the medical folks yesterday. My skin hurts in the places where they shoot the laser beams. There are four spots that are red and bumpy. They sympathized and gave me a bag of sample lotion as a parting gift.

I have seven treatments to go. Six after today. Every day I am so tempted to send Gus in my place. I have just about run out of patience with this whole ball of wax.

I sit and play endless games on my iPad. Endless games of Word Solitaire, Solitaire, and Mah Jongg. In the middle of the night, I made a word worth 168 points. I can't remember what it was but I was tempted to wake Regis to show him.

I haven't planted any flowers yet but I did drag my pots to the patio. That's a start. Yesterday, I raked and hoed a little bit before Jill picked me up for radiation. We had a good visit and breakfast at Guenther's.

Whiney, whiney, whiney me. I checked the spelling and it can go either way...whiney or whiny. Good to have alternate spellings for a word I use so much.

Gus got his summer haircut yesterday and he's looking dapper but poodley. Long hair is just too hard to take care of when he's running in the dirt every day. Terry always writes a note on the slip...Gus was a very good boy. He also has an ear infection.

I don't know why this is a lesson I have to keep learning. Once I start writing my whining down, it doesn't seem so bad. I'm back from the edge of the abyss. Ah....

checking in and feeling lucky

Regis took this photo of Gus and me on the patio and then he artified it somehow. I like the effect. It looks like we were painted by Monet or one of those famous dudes.

When I was at the cancer center the other day, an older couple joined me at my table. The woman, wearing a wig, looked at my scarf and asked if I had brain cancer. No, I said, breast cancer. She said, oh, you're lucky, I have lung and brain cancer. Oh, my. There's a perspective for me. If you're going to get some bad shit, might as well be some bad shit they can be optimistic about.

Today is radiation treatment #18. I grouse a bit every morning and say I'm going to call in sick but of course, I don't. I trundle over there, wait with my beeper, and wander the halls in a blue gown. They give me a warm blanket and I close my eyes for the ten minutes or so that it takes to beam me up. Not so bad, all things considered.

The weather looks stormy again today. Betty and I stopped at the MVAC thrift store yesterday, then had lunch at the Boulder Tap. I hate all of their televisions but we had the most delicious pork carnitas tacos with chipotle mayo. I could ignore the televisions for a while to enjoy that meal again. Good and bad in everything.

My point about the weather was that we beat it home after lunch. We both craved a nap and we were nervous about storms. Living through a tornado makes a guy a little ticklish when it comes to black skies. We like to be home and have access to the basement.

Off to the Andreas Cancer Center. More later.

cake, folks, and elephants

We recognized Memorial Day yesterday and celebrated Gus's birthday. I made the dog bone layer cake with the help of Alex and Ella. Monday morning, I cried because I can't even make a decent looking cake anymore. Regis delivered comfort and encouraged me to get another can of frosting and to warm it in the microwave a little bit so it would flow better. That worked. The art work on the cake is courtesy of Peter.

Elliot shows Betty some of the finer points of an iPad game.

Nice to have April join us with Peter again!

Ace and Gus enjoying a moment of peace. Or maybe I should say the rest of us enjoy a moment of peace while Ace and Gus are still for a minute.

Uncle Tom enjoys a low-carb beer.

Tiffany and Peter- probably bickering.

Action in the kitchen with Ella and Emily.

Back to radiation today. I had three days to forget about it so I sort of sunk into a stew of sleep, games, and reading. Today is back to reality with that morose doctor and stoney-faced nurse. It's not that bad but it ain't chemo either. In a contest of fun and personality, chemo would win hands down.

Old Regis and Young Regis made a trip to the Greenlawn Cemetery outside of St. Peter yesterday. It was established in the 1850's so contains the graves of many of St. Peter's pioneers as well as Civil War veterans. It's an interesting place. I think it's nice that Regis wants to impart some history of adopted community to his son.

They also went to Greenhill Cemetery to see the grave of George Engesser, who was a pioneer in St. Peter and belonged to the family of circus Engessers, hence the elephant. (This may not be historically accurate so don't use it in your social studies report!)

That's all the social commentary I have to report today. Happy gloomy Tuesday!

chocolate story

I loved your chocolate story (in the comments), Karen! I have a couple good stories about that myself. My cousin once got up in the night and made peanut butter toast. She woke up in the morning with it stuck to her pillow. She hadn't taken a bite. My own experience is not as dramatic as yours or Deb's, but just the other day I went in to take a nap with a graham cracker, one of those weird flat marshmallows, and a square of chocolate. I read for a while and munched on my uncooked smore. When I wandered back to the living room after a nap, I had chocolate dribbled all down my left arm but none on the sheets or anywhere else. How did I accomplish that? One of the dangers of nap-time eating!

More later. Must get busy and prepare for company today!

early sunday

I'm awake early while Regis sleeps in for a while. We had such a lazy day yesterday, I'm surprised either of us could sleep last night. Regis did the dishes and made hoagies for dinner. I took naps, read my book, and played iPad games. Seriously, that is about it.

It's cold outside this morning. Cold and damp. I turned on our little faux fireplace to take the chill out of the air.

I went out to the patio to fill the jelly dishes again. If the orioles weren't so beautiful I would be grouchy about filling them three times a day. (I had to get down on my knees to fish out the last two jars of grape jelly at the grocery store the other day. A lot of folks are feeding orioles...or the orioles are shopping at HyVee.) A few grackles and robins sip at the jelly, too, but mostly it's orioles of both kinds, two at each feeder and several waiting in the trees.

One year we had so many gold finches it was like a bright yellow cloud around the feeder. It has eight little perches and they were all filled...with a waiting line in the flowering crab tree. We need a maître d’hôtel for our bird dining area.

I finished Ordinary Grace last night. I'm not much for writing book reviews but I can say I would give this one five stars. It was a wonderful story, the characters were interesting and real, and the writing was lyrical. I almost hated to finish it....and wish I could go back and read it again for the first time. I think it will be on my list of all-time favorite books.

I've been writing about (and to) my friend, Karen on this blog. I'm not sure it was all very clear what was going on (as I tried to write publicly to her and respect her privacy), but her husband of 46 years passed away suddenly. He had been treated for multiple myeloma and Karen has been diagnosed with Stage IV metastatic breast cancer. She had to leave Hugh's side during his last 24 hours to receive treatment herself. It breaks my heart to think about her having to do that.

Karen has written powerfully and poignantly about their marriage and friendship, about their struggles (nuclear wars?) with cancer, and about the loss of sweet Hugh in her life. I go back often to read her emails, her blog comments, and her writing on other sites. Karen started out as an occasional commenter on my blog and now we've become friends and she is important to me. Bless your heart, Karen.

Old Regis and Young Regis went to the primary school in town to spend some time playing games, reading, and having a water balloon toss. They called it Game Day with Dad but Regis called it Bring a Dude to Lunch Day. I like that better. It looks like a good time was had by all.

It's raining lightly here. The very good news is that we got our lawn raked and the grass seed that we bought thrown down onto the dirt. TA DA! Most years, I buy grass seed then forget to use it or can't find it if I intend to use it. Then the mice scatter it around the garage. Last year I left it on the front step for so long that  the chipmunks who live under our front steps ate a hole in the bag, grass seed poured forth onto the patio and started to grow in the cracks between the bricks. Hell, it doesn't grow that well in the dirt.

Here's to a rainy day. I can feel a nap coming on soon. I've been awake since 6 o'clock, after all.

what happened to me?

I can't believe I haven't written on my blog since Wednesday. Jill wrote this afternoon to see if I had slipped into the abyss. Nope, but I did spend the last few days doing a lot of sleeping and escaping via novels and iPad games. Arrghghgh. I can't even count the number of games I've played. It's nauseating.

I'm over the hump with radiation. Fifteen down and thirteen to go. I know it isn't so bad but I feel like I'm on the white-knuckle express. I want it to be over but I'm afraid to have it actually be over.

On Friday, we took Gus to the Paw to play. They like to take pictures and publish them on their Facebook page. They meaning the people not the dogs. I know it looks like a dog melee but they are very well behaved.

We bought our groceries for the week and I did a little thrift store shopping. I found these fancy men's shirts on the vintage rack. There were about eight of them in different wild plaids. If they had been cheaper than six bucks it would have been fun to get them for a family dress-up photo. Yeah, and I don't think this shirt is vintage...just ugly. I did find a nice denim skirt for three dollars at MVAC, my favorite thrift store. Their new location is very spiffy.

The weather this week has reminded me of being at Lake Miltona. My mom and dad had a cabin there for many years and we had great times. Early morning coffee on the deck, campfires on the beach at night, raking the sand, watching hummingbirds, and cool, damp breezes like we have today.

I read something the other day about how there is a movement afoot to eliminate the apostrophe. Some linguists say it would make no difference in our ability to read and get meaning...the context will communicate just fine. I liked grammar so I get why some people are opposed but really, does it matter? I've read books without quotation marks and thought that was a great idea. It took about two pages to figure out the deal. Much of punctuation is a distraction and I think we would survive the loss of the apostrophe. Put away your red pens, English teachers of America!

There are two orioles in the jelly feeders and a big fat squirrel in the tray feeder. My neighbor deports squirrels but I think it's like trying to drain the ocean with a teaspoon. We're on our third jar of jelly and the orioles don't show much interest in slowing down. After their eggs hatch, I guess they start eating bugs and caterpillars they find in the trees.

Ella is coming over tomorrow to help make a birthday cake for Gus. It's for us to eat in celebration, not for Gus to eat. We're having the kids and all over for a feast on Monday. We're making indoor pulled pork. I envision people eating this on tortillas with salsa and cheese and sour cream. Regis informs me, however, that there might be people who have an aversion to this idea so we'll provide a few buns for the tortilla-phobes.

Speaking of Gus and cake. I bought the dog-bone shaped pan on Amazon, were we have free shipping. I spotted a five ounce bottle of dog-bone shaped sprinkles that I thought would be fun but I would have to pay shipping on those. Just for a kick, I checked the cost of shipping. Forty five dollars! Forty five dollars to ship a bottles of sprinkles. What the hell. I didn't order them. Haha!

I have a book I'm anxious to read tonight. I'm about halfway through Ordinary Grace, William Kent Kruger's newest book. I love it.

fourteen tomorrow

Tomorrow is my 14th radiation treatment. I'm not sure that's cause for celebration so I decided not to go with fireworks. It means I can start counting down. As I told a friend in the coffee shop yesterday, this is not something a guy would sign up for but it's gone alright for something to be dreaded. Friday I start counting down.

I'm ambivalent about finishing radiation because I'm ambivalent about cancer. I still have moments when I realize this is me we're talking about and not someone else. Wait, wait...what? I feel like I have done pretty well through this, even with my mental phase in the winter, but it's been a long ass haul. Can I ever go back to my normal self? Do the fears go away?

This looks like the radiation machine I hook up with every day. It might be called a linear accelerator...I'm not sure. It works like this: the blue thing shoots out a ray of particles and the rectangular thing shoots out a ray of particles and then there's a particle shit storm somewhere over my chest. It's what I visualize as I'm lying there...tiny Star Wars like figures having a light saber duel in the air. Fucking with those cancer cells.

This is Mr. Crane who lives in a pond near my niece, Darby. She's been fascinated by him and got her mom to help with the stake-out so they could get this shot. Nice work!

This is Mr. Tinkles. He's a 20 pound cat who has scraped a bald streak down his belly by dragging himself onto furniture. I think he has learned to open the Friskies cabinet while they are at work.

We have been amazed at the birds this year, as you know. This afternoon there was an oriole family reunion in the yard, with sometimes six orioles at a time fighting for a place at the jelly bowls. I filled them up last night and then again this afternoon. They were picked cleaned.

With all there is to eat out there, you wouldn't think they would have to scrap but they do. There is one very temperamental Orchard oriole, a second year male, who thinks he rules the roost. Maybe birds get that testosterone thing going on, too.

I lounged in bed for a while this afternoon nursing a sinus headache and reading. I finished The Burgess Boys by Elizabeth Strout and started Ordinary Grace by William Kent Kruger. I've only just started the second one but it has a similar tone to the first...regret, poignancy, grief, redemption. Sad and powerful. I might have passed through my mystery phase for a while.

I think I'll wander down to the liquor store to buy a nice pinot noir for dinner. Red goes well with hot dogs, right?

it's been a great year for birds!

rhubarb, tornado, and radiation

I made a mental list of things to do yesterday. I decided if I only had two things on it, the chances were better at getting them done. One of the things was to move the rhubarb from its shady spot on the north side of the house to the south side. I took my rhubarb for a walk in the Radio Flyer to the sunny side of the yard. Hahaha!

Since I was out there, gloved and holding a shovel, I transplanted some hosta, moved some chives closer to the bunny, and had Young Regis dig out a couple of giant Autumn Joy sedum. I put them in the wagon and walked it down to my friend, Cheryl's, house. She recognized the wagon and the bag on a FB post and knew it was me and not the sedum fairies.

After all of that, I had to take a nap.

Here we are at Suzette's. Wonder of the internet, Jack sent these pictures via email after they disappeared from our phones. This is my first time out in public with very little hair.

Kathy and I have been friends since we were in junior high. They didn't call it middle school in those days. Middle school sounds so gentle, like an extension of elementary school. This was junior high as in get ready for an ass kickin' in high school, kid. We spent many nights together during those years. We'd go to a football game and her dad would drive 25 miles into town to fetch us. Or we'd go roller skating and walk to my house where we talked and laughed into the night.

I signed up on Twitter to follow some people who identified as breast cancer survivors. Frankly, it scared the shit out of me so I had to unfollow them for a few days. I support the sisterhood and I admire the work they are doing but I can't do a daily diet of it, at least not right now. I did buy the Mayo Clinic Breast Cancer book last week because I think I am ready to know more about this than when my next appointment is. Seriously, that is all I could handle for a while. head,

I tried to find a photo online that was similar to the radiation machine I use. No dice. Maybe I can ask them if I can take a picture of it with my phone. It's a huge monster. It has three giant rotating heads. The rays come out of one head, they take x-rays with another, and I'm not sure what the third one is for.

I watched some the coverage of the Moore, OK tornado last night and it broke my heart. It's like a bomb went off there. The children, about the ages of our grandchildren, were the saddest and most frightening. I know this tornado was more catastrophic than the one that struck St. Peter in 1998, but so much of the story is reminiscent...huge lights, the sound of generators and helicopters, so many homes flattened. It's very hard to look at the pictures.

Jill is taking me to get irradiated today. #12 of 28...almost half-way! We'll probably have coffee or breakfast when I'm done...she said my wish is her command (Right, Jill?) so I think I'll ask her to drive me to San Diego. Tell Larry we'll be gone a while!

no wine from Bruce

A quote from his email:

I concur; ND wines suck!  Rhubarb, chokecherry, and jalapeno?  Gack!

this will be short

I had an agenda for today and I accomplished all the action items. (Yuck, yuck...) I took my rhubarb for a walk to the sunny side of the yard as it did not like living in the shadow of the garbage dumpster. I transplanted hosta and I dragged a couple Autumn Joy sedum down to my friend, Cheryl's house in the red wagon.

I've discovered the internet's cure for short term memory problems. Maybe cure is not the right word. I lost a bag full of oranges. I bought them a week ago for the orioles. I've changed the oranges two to three times and now they are gone. Regis calls it CUI...changing under the influence. I'm not denying. That could be true.

The orioles love the cara cara oranges that are $2.99 a pound. Holy crap.

We have had wonderful birds this spring. Over the past weekend, we saw this bird... a ruby crowned kinglet. They only migrate through this part of the state on their way to northern Minnesota. They probably heard there is still ice on the lakes up there and decided to stick around here where at least we have put away our winter boots and mittens.

Notice to offspring and people who visit our home for parties and such:

We are planning a party this weekend to celebrate Memorial Day and Gus's second birthday. We're making smoked pork butt tacos, pico de gallo, and whatever else strikes my fancy or yours. If you're reading this, consider yourself invited. Just let me know so we can buy an extra butt. Hahaha!

We aren't sure about the day yet....Saturday or Monday, weather dependent. Stay in touch and we'll decide as the forecast becomes available. If you're inclined to bring something, we'd love it. Just none of that jar salsa from New York City...get a rope.

waking to thunder

We've had a lot of rain in the past few days and today, we're in a flash flood watch. Our trees and grass and flowers are thankful. It was so dry last summer and we can't even remember the last time we had a thunderstorm.

We woke early to thunder this morning so I may feel the need to return to bed for a while. It's dark and rumbley...perfect weather for sleeping late.

We met good friends, Jack and Kathy, for dinner at Suzette's last night. It's a funky old Bridgeman's building but the food and the service are fabulous. I had halibut with a creamy dill sauce and garlic mashed potatoes. Regis and I shared a piece of tiramisu for dessert that was so good I'm pretty sure we both purred. There were other pictures but they have disappeared into cyber space for now. We're trying to resurrect them.

Check out the link to Suzette's and read the chef's story. It's amazing. I forgot to mention the squash soup that I think was flavored with saffron. Oh, my. So good.

That's it for this morning. Just a few lazy reminiscences about our evening. I'm going back to bed to read and listen to the rain for a while.