cold winter...then spring

I think the Epileptic Foundation has the same creed as the USPS: Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds. I hesitated to haul this stuff to the curb in case they didn't come and I had to take special precautions to anchor it so it didn't blow away. I fell into a snow bank once...no explanation for that. But here they are...gathering my valuable junk!

This was Wednesday. Extremely cold and windy. Same weather conditions on Thursday...about 30 degrees below zero. Then yesterday, up to 35 above zero. That is a 65 degree swing in 24 hours. Today we are back to below zero temps and high winds.

The sun dogs have been beautiful this year. I guess because we have had so many viciously cold days to observe them! They are like winter rainbows.

We don't have that much snow because it's been too damn cold to snow. We had a little bit of soggy stuff yesterday and there is some predicted for tomorrow.

The bunny has been able to keep his head above the snow all winter. The crow is back where the snow has drifted more and he is more apt to be covered by snow.

This is not Woody. Woody is not allowed to go outside...but if he were allowed to go outside, this is exactly what he would do...stand up as high as possible to see what's going on. There is not much that cat misses. Regis is perturbed with Woodrow this morning because Woody woke him up many times during the night. Not sure what's up with that.

Gus and Regis have not missed a day at the dog park this winter. They both come home like popsicles...ice and snow hanging off them...but Gus loves it. He loves to run and chase balls even when it's 20 below. It's good to get out in the weather every day.

As I read back over this post, I realized that it is all about winter and cold and snow. So here is a little reminder that spring will come, the apple tree will blossom, the grosbeaks will return, and you will find us on the patio!

comment update

Yesterday I decided to take the safeguards off of comments so it was easier to leave a comment, if a guy wanted to do that. Yup, two viagra ads overnight. WTF.

mid-week

You can see the pile of stuff ready for the thrift store truck. Woodrow is nervous, as is Regis, that I have gotten rid of some of his things. Not to worry...everyone else's stuff is perfectly safe.

Michele and I went to our Livestrong class at the YMCA in Mankato last night. The roads going over were not so good...much better coming back. The snow was beautiful. Neither of us are night people, so until we get moving, we sit sort of quietly and think about naps. They have more equipment in that place than you can shake a stick at. A machine for everything, it seems.

I could do 50 pounds on the chest press and 190 pounds on the leg press. (By comparison, one woman who should be on the world's strongest man show, could press 410 pounds with her legs. Holy crap. My balance was awful. I was always the first one to go down. I had to come home and beat the Scrabble guy by a hundred points to make up for it.

Regis woke up early this morning with a stomach bug of some kind. I gave him the last two pills we have for that kind of digestive issue and I am sure I will be making a trip to the store for more. Then...I can buy another jar of Vicks.

I have had a jar of Vicks on my night stand my whole life. A few weeks ago, I must have had it on the bed and I heard it hit the floor...blaming Woody, of course. I searched high and low and it cannot be found so I went into the drug store the other day and bought another jar. When I brought it home...oh, no...yellow cap on jar. Open it up to take a whiff...lemon. Lemon scented Vicks. I was appalled. Lemon Vicks? Seriously?

Don't buy this!

My mom taught me that Vicks is the cure for many ills. If you have a cough or cold, rub Vicks on your feet before bed and cover with socks. For congestion, rub liberally on your chest before bed. If you are just sad and lonesome, rub a little under your nose. Just make sure you get the original scent. Lemon Vicks. Harrumph. An abomination.

I decided to snatch one thing back out of the thrift store bag. It's a big, nubby sweater that I bought at the consignment store but it's my favorite for wearing on cold mornings. I'll work harder at getting the nubs off it, I promise.

I mailed holiday cards yesterday. I am surprised at the number of people who confessed that they also were mailing cards late. I think it's a tradition I will change. Maybe mid-summer cards or vernal equinox cards.

I gave myself a hair cut yesterday and it did not go well. I have a big chunk out of the back that looks pretty bad. Regis caught on when he saw the clipper thing in the bathroom and realized I had worn a hat all day. I might have to consider a real hair dresser next time.

Hair concerns were one of the things I gave up when I was diagnosed with cancer. I could not deal with making appointments, being somewhere at a certain time, or having an opinion about my hair. There were other things but this is one.

I am finally becoming more interested in the details of my cancer. For a long time, I could not retain the details and even now when a health professional asks me how many lymph nodes I had removed, I am not sure. I say somewhere between 4 and 16 which is quite a spread. I threw all the papers away and my pathology report is not available online. I'll call Judy today and ask her to send it so I can be prepared with questions next time I go.

I got out the Mayo Clinic Breast Cancer book which I bought this summer, thinking I was ready to read some of it. Nope. Couldn't do it. Now...I think I can.

I did find this in an online report: Today we spent 20 minutes talking about her pathology report, which shows a grade 3 of 3 infiltrating ductal carcinoma within the lumpectomy specimen. Margins are clear with the closest margin at 2 mm. Two out of her 4 sentinel lymph nodes were positive and one out of 12 additional lymph nodes were positive. You can see where I get 4 and 16, right. Four sentinel nodes, two positive, and 12 additional...makes 16. I know, I know. This is my math dyslexia.

I have been awake since before 4 am so I think it's time to go back to bed for a while.

the passage

Teiwaz

Inguz

Ah, the runes that signify the end of my journey, although Mary would caution me to not move too quickly, to be patient. I told her yesterday, the process has been like wading into a slow moving river and being swept gently to another place.

I heard this morning that Winston Borden, my Facebook friend, passed away last night. I remember him from Almanac and when a friend of mine suggested following his cancer journey on Facebook, I did. His was not an easy life but he was quite a philosopher and gentleman. He will be missed by those who knew him personally and by those who knew him through his cyber community.

I have been at my desk for a long time this morning. There are book reviews to read: Ian Rankin (one of my favorite mystery authors) has a new book out, Saints of the Shadow Bible, and will be in Minneapolis Saturday night. Too bad it's at night and too bad it's so far away. Ah, well.

I have a wonderful plan for the week. Things to bake, things to write, things to mail, things to pack up for the thrift store. It occurred to me yesterday that I should gather some of my favorite things on the table and take a picture so those of you who worry about my minimalistic tendencies will know that I still have favorite things.

And so, my day begins. Just like this.

sunday thoughts

My friends are amazed that I continue to purge. Someone at dinner last night asked if I had anything left in my house because it looks like I am even getting rid of storage tubs. And yes, I am. I have been a life long keeper of stuff. Stuff was memories and things I might need some day or things that someone else might need some day. Stuff comforted me. Now stuff is starting to strangle me. I feel like I am drowning in stuff. I have a children's book in the basement that belonged to a former brother-in-law (now almost 70) and I have kept it because his son might want it someday. What the hell.

As I get rid of the stuff that doesn't mean so much to me, the stuff I really love is there! I can find it!

Here is the post I wrote in November. It's mostly pictures but it's called evidence of my purging.

I like to write about this because then I think about it and think about how important it has become to me. Mary says that ridding one's self of physical possessions often accompanies ridding one's self of emotional crap. I guess that sounds true. I can't completely explain it for myself...hence the obsession with the pictures and the blog posts.

At this time last year, I couldn't even see the top of my desk. There were random piles of paper all over the house. It was over-whelming. When I finally gathered it all and looked at it...most of it had no meaning and could go in the recycler.

Regis said Garrison Keillor said on his show today that the full moon in January is called the restless moon because women gather armloads of stuff and give it away. Ha!

We had a wonderful time last night at Lone Star for dinner, then to the comedy show at 2nd Story Comedy. It is good medicine for the soul to eat and drink and laugh with good friends. Mike Lester, Tom Leonhardt (local) and Tim Harmston...and as always Michael Callahan. Riotously funny.

I have been doing the big sleep this weekend and it feels so good. Getting organized and ready for the week tonight!

the doldrums of winter

This is not me. It's Regis at the dog park, but it could be me because I dress like this, too. It gets restrictive by the end of winter to wear so many layers of clothes so you don't freeze either to death or freeze at least enough to be miserable. I don't usually mind the cold but this year, the temps have been consistently brutal. And the wind. I won't even get started on the wind.

Napping is good medicine in this weather. Monday, after being in Mankato all morning and getting home with ice chunks where my feet should be, I wrote this, then forgot to publish it.

It was so complicated I had to write down the agenda so things worked out. We dropped Gus at the Paw, I dropped Regis at the clinic, I went to pick something up at the Silhouette Shop, I got coffee at the Java Hut, I met Regis at the cardiologist's office (all good news!), Regis dropped me at the YMCA for an intake appointment for the LiveStrong program, I walked to Mary's office while Regis went to the HyVee and bought our groceries, Regis picked up Gus, then came to get me, and blessedly, the agenda was complete and we came home.

I retreated to my blanket fort for a time in the afternoon, then got up and made soup.

I'm being very quiet this morning because I know the minute Regis opens his eyes he will want to blast off to the gym. I'm not feeling it right at the moment. A walk outside in the sunshine this afternoon is more appealing to me. Sometimes the atmosphere of a place that smells like spandex and sweat is oppressive.

I've lost my list notebook. A disaster.

No wait. I found it. I have been very disorganized this week and losing my list notebook is a bad sign. I still have the box of "holiday" cards sitting on the table, too. They have been on my list to finish for two weeks. What the hell.

The thrift store truck comes this week on Wednesday. I'll have a few boxes for them and Regis is going through his clothes.

I have been playing Scrabble on my iPad like a mad person. Mad as in crazy. I played the beginner level for a while but when I started beating "it" (I think of it as "him".) I went to the intermediate. For a while, I had the upper hand. Now he is on to me and I am luck to win by a few points. I am out for revenge today. We had two close games last night and he beat me once. I usually love a good play more than the points but I have been obsessive about points. It's a phase and I will be back to playing the beginner level soon!

I subbed at the high school yesterday which makes two work days this week. That is my limit. Honestly, work is way over-rated and if we didn't have to do it to pay the bills, we probably wouldn't. I know some people crow about how they love their work but I think it's a cognitive distortion. Or blowing smoke up your own ass. Haha!

I'm thinking about contacting an organization called Imerman Angels.

Imerman Angels was created on the belief that no one should have to fight cancer alone and without the necessary support. At 26 years old, Jonny Imerman was diagnosed with testicular cancer and began his fight against the disease. Throughout his experience, Jonny was lucky enough to have loving support from his family and friends but had never met anyone his age who was a cancer survivor. He wanted to talk to someone just like him, someone who truly understood, and was intimately familiar with his experience. In short, he was looking for someone who had already beaten the same type of cancer. This was the beginning of Jonny’s vision and in 2003, it became a reality when he founded Imerman Angels.

In the beginning, I had no interest in support like this. I could hardly bring myself to say the word cancer. And I thought once I was done with treatment, I would be done with cancer. Not true. It's not like a dark cloud over my head all the time, but like a shadow on the horizon. Something I notice out of the corner of my eye when I'm I'm looking for something else.

This is how I felt about it then.

It is scary as shit to go back and read the posts from that time. Whoa. I thought I was fine but I was definitely messed up. Way messed up.

So, now that I can say the word cancer, now that I can talk about my experience, now that I am letting go of some of the fear and the dread, maybe now I am ready for another person to support me.

I've been awake since 5 am so now I'm ready to go back to bed for a while. Maybe read some Moth stories, maybe play a game of Scrabble with the beginner he instead of the intermediate he. Beginner he is friendlier and doesn't block me on the triple word scores.

We'll survive the doldrums of winter and the cancer blues and the getting older funk. Some days suq (Scrabble word) but most days are glorious and our life is good in our little house with our goofy pets.

absence

I have been absent from the social media most of the week. I think I descended into a mild funk on Monday and it took until yesterday to climb out of it. Yeah, that's life.

One day last week, we took the elder son to Lone Star for the prime rib special. Because it was his birthday soon, they brought him a brownie Sunday. It was a whopper.

I saw this license plate downtown St. Peter the other day. Only in Minnesota...well, and maybe Wisconsin. If you are unfamiliar with it, look it up on the google. It's fish preserved in lye and it looks like fish jello. I haven't ever tasted it so I can't speak to that but the smell is off-putting to say the least. It takes a lot of butter to mask that smell.

I'm subbing at the high school today and it's cold enough in here to hang a side of beef. I worked a lot in December so I intended to take January off but I changed my mind. I have very busy days, contrary to what some of you must think about retired persons. It's not just sitting idly in a rocking chair...yesterday I took a two-hour nap. So there.

This was my rune for the day. It signifies the end of a journey and it is the last rune of my tattoo series.

I am trying to write this on my iPad which is a pain in the neck and the ass. I should be back in communication from here on.

Tonight we're going to Dino's for pizza. What a way to start the weekend!

inguz

This was my rune for today. When I read about it in my book, I decided it is very meaningful for me. Here is what I found on this website:

Inguz a Viking rune is what you see in the picture. Pronunciation: Ing-gooz, ING-wahz. Runes come from the Nordic area where the ancient Vikings once lived, worked, and fought. Though they were relatively savage in their outings, the Vikings were people in touch with Earth and the many forces that coexisted with them. They have a whole lore that includes many popular god figures such as Thor, the son of Odin. Thor carried a mighty hammer and many of us know him from comic books. The father of Thor, Odin, was the creator of the Runes and is the most important holy figure of the Viking people. Odin hung upside down from a tree limb for a chance of higher knowledge and right before he came down from the tree limb, he was bestowed with the new system called the Runes. These symbols were used for writing and magic by the high priests. Inguz is the Rune of fertility and new beginnings. This seems to hit the nail right on the head! So far this year has been a lot about big life shifts. Here is a little of what it says…

Drawing this Rune may mark a time of joyful deliverance, of new life, a new path. A Rune of great power, receiving it means that you now have the strength to achieve completion, resolution, from which comes a new beginning. As you resolve and clear away the old, you will experience a release from tension and uncertainty. You may be required to free yourself from a rut, habit or relationship; from some deep cultural or behavioral pattern. The time of birth is always a critical one. Movement can involve danger, and yet movement that is timely leads out of danger.-Ralph H. Blum

deep breathing

I wanted some post-cancer photos where I didn't look so corpse-like so we set up a photo shoot last night. I took some of Regis, he took some of me, and we took some together with the tripod. And of course, we took some of the pets.

I have new profile photos on all my social media sites. Oh, boy. I am now an integrated person.

It's been a grand weekend. We are taking Gus for a walk this afternoon on Nicollet Avenue which means he can off the leash and running into the fields. We have heard vicious dog stories (in a neighborhood and at the dog park) so we are taking a walking stick and a can of mace. Regis ought to wield both because I am worthless in an emergency.

I meant to go to yoga today but I was moving a little slowly and thought, hey it's Sunday. I am not rushing out the door in the light of dawn. I need a more relaxed pace today.

I only need to do two things today...finish my Christmas cards and finish the grocery list. Neither of those should be long tasks so I have time to read and play Scrabble. And take a nap.

I have a real hankering for Mexican food so I either have to go to the store and buy the fixin's or visit an establishment here in town.

Happy Sunday and start of the new week. Make it a good one.

the week, dogs and cats, and a rune

All in all, it has been a good week. It started out colder than hell and I just flat out refused to leave the house. Regis had to go work out and go to the dog park alone. He went to tax training for two days, leaving me in charge of all things household and pet related. I'm pretty good at sitting around all day playing Scrabble, then going like a maniac for thirty minutes to look like I have been productive.

I finally decided on the perfect place to put my beautiful art by Ryan Hughes. It's my first ever commissioned art, signed by the artist. I love it. I moved it around the house a few times and this is the perfect place...by the door. The good in goodbye.

Woodrow loves this cashmere boa. I had to stop leaving it in the basket under the bench in the front room because he would not leave it alone. He dragged it around the house like it was fresh kill. I put it on the top shelf in the closet and made sure I closed the doors but if I ever left an inch, he would manage to squeeze in there and drag it out. The other day, I found it with him again. He had figured out how to bump the door until he had enough room to squeeze in...then up to the top shelf and down it came. He was wrestling it into submission when I caught him.

I changed the sheets on the bed and he was completely amused by that process. Under the sheets, under the blankets, hiding in the bedspread. He also likes to jump into drawers every time you open one.

Regis left his tax bag open and Woodrow had to investigate. He was reading the IRS manual or eating Regis's left-over lunch...I bet.

This is an odd picture of Gus because it was so dark. He is absolutely morose when Regis is gone. By the last day of tax training, he knew it was coming and just laid down on the rug in the dark. Head between his paws. He was inconsolable but he recovers quickly at the end of the day.

This is my rune for today. It's called Dagaz and it means transformation or break-through in the process of self-change. This is the fifth time I have drawn it in the past month. My warrior nature will be revealed so don't be surprised if I am wearing a superhero cape next time you see me.

We have a very quiet weekend planned. After exercise this morning, there is nothing on the agenda. We both have puttering things we want to do but there is no pressure. I have a short list of desk work and writing tasks, I want to bake a loaf of bread for a neighbor, and I want to continue my organizing and uncluttering. I plan to play some Scrabble, read a book, take a nap, and go for a walk. How's that for ambition?

some days SUQ

I was playing Scrabble on my iPad today. I can beat the CPU by a hundred points because I have it set on beginner. I was frustrated at the end because I was going to get stuck with a Q and a U and everywhere I put them the thing said it was not a word. Finally the CPU (?) played a word with an S. So, in frustration, I put UQ...and what do you know, SUQ is a word! I thought that was hilarious!

We had a crazy morning. (Some of you may have seen this tale before....and know that I savor stories so I get to repeat them from time to time.

Regis had tax training in Mankato. He was going to catch a ride because I had a dental appointment at 10. His ride didn't appear (apparently had health problems and went to the hospital) so Regis took the car and I said I would make other arrangements.

I called the transit about 8:40, still in my pajamas. Asked about a ride to the dental clinic. He asked if I was ready. I said not unless you want me on your bus in my nightgown. He said call back when you are ready.

I was worried about being late (It's a dial-a-ride bus in a small town but you buys your ticket and you takes your chances.) so I got ready rapidly and called him back. No shower. Fast washcloth to the head. Clothes.

Found a key to the house. No money for the bus. Robbed the piggy bank of 2 bucks.

Transit came in about five minutes. Dropped a girl off downtown then took me right to the dental office. ATA 9:15.

I walked in and there are Ella and Alex. They were giddy that they had spotted their Nana getting off the city bus. Emily had an appointment which is what happens in small towns...you can't go anywhere and not see people you know. They laughed about me getting off the bus and said they would give me a ride home.

I talked to the woman at the desk. My tech had a cancellation so she could do me right away and I would be done about the same time as Emily.

I saw the new doc. Mikkel Haugen. 100% Norwegian and very cute. If you are reading this in different places, I might have placed cute in different spots in the paragraph. I love revising my writing. Very nice young man. No cavities. Very complimentary about my teeth. I forgot to pay.

Emily and kids gave me a ride home. She was going to clean at the ballet school and I said if I hadn't been so sleepless I would have had the kids stay with me. But they are coming for pizza at 4 o'clock and as an additional editorial comment...the chicken pizza was awful. The chicken had zero flavor which I suppose is what you get when you use chickens that have been terrified by a trip across the state in an open truck. The artichokes were not identifiable as such...let's see...sponge soaked in vinegar? And the crust was an abomination.

Well, that's all I got. I didn't take a nap today and was pretty active. I am awake at 12:30. What the hell.

sleepless...mostly

My sleepless nights. They come along from time to time and while they don't unnerve me like they did when I was working (more), I still don't like them. I was awake until after midnight, then awake at 3 a.m. Now, I am tired and it's 5. I might be able to squeeze in some sleep before my ten o'clock dental appointment. I wonder if they have ever had a patient fall asleep.

I have been awake taking stock. This was my gratitude list for the day:

1. I am grateful for all the wonderful people I have met in the last year. I just finished a long email to my friend, Karen, in New Jersey. I met her through a BC site and we just clicked. We have never met in person but we talk on the phone, send each other presents, and write long emails in the middle of the night.
2. I am grateful that I am finally getting my marbles in the right slots. I was changing my blog this morning and profile pics in different places. I am ready to update them all now. I have a combination of pre-cancer (as I have here), during cancer (as I have on Facebook), and post-cancer (as I have on my blog). I am ready to be one person. Does that make sense?
3. I am grateful for my warm bed. Even though I haven't spent much time there tonight, I know it's waiting with the mattress warmer on, Gus and Woody occupying their spots at the end, and sweet Regis on the other side.
4. I am grateful for iPad Scrabble. On the easy level, I can beat the CPU consistently which I can't do with a person. I'm not usually competitive, but Scrabble brings it out!

I wrote in my gratitude journal, checked Facebook, scanned the front page of the Trib, drank three cups of coffee, and now I'm ready to go back to bed. One of the small problems with waking in the middle of the night is that it confuses the pets. They think it's time to go outside (Gus) and then they both think it's time to eat. Three in the morning. Really? They both stand dumbly beside their food source, like they can't believe it's morning and they aren't getting their rations. I suppose they don't know about the equinox, daylight savings time, dawn, and clocks. Or insomnia.

Back to bed...

new tea for the new year

I have been drinking more tea lately and these are two of my favorites. I like tea with some strong flavor and these two have that. I like to sprinkle some cinnamon on the top of my tea, so I decided to give this one a try. For some reason, since my chemo experience, I have craved the flavor of hot cinnamon. I buy the fancy kind from Penzey's and it's so good I sprinkle it on lots of things..peanut butter toast, cottage cheese, coffee, and yogurt. It's got such a nice bite. I'm optimistic about loving the hot cinnamon tea!

I've been drinking my tea from this beautiful mug, given to me by my brother Pat and sister-in-law Helen. The handle is a place where you tuck the fingers of one hand to keep them warm. It's a delight. My Grandma Elsie used to drink her tea out of those dainty little china cups. I could drain one of those in about 3 seconds flat if I didn't tip it over first. This is a serious tea mug.

I finally finished The Cider House Rules. It got a little tedious in the middle (I've read it before.) but I had to finish it because I got to love the characters so much. On to something else. I have so many books on my iPad that it's almost overwhelming. I should go through and eliminate the ones I know have no chance.

We're going to the Pulse in a while. Regis insists. My wussy self would find an excuse to stay home and I would tell my wussy self that I would walk on the treadmill or lift weights at home but we all know that wouldn't happen. So, I will go and do my thing and feel better for it.

I'm going to finish my holiday letters today. I call them holiday cards...and some of them are Christmas related. It doesn't matter. A friend of mine told me the other day that her dad sent a Christmas card to an address she hadn't lived at for a year and when it finally arrived, it was a Valentine card. Ah, well. Maybe early, maybe late. Doesn't matter.

I have Schmidt's bacon in the refrigerator that I am going to make when we come home. There is nothing like the smell of bacon on a cold morning.

I'm still picking runes every morning and the rune I got today was Berkana: the rune of regrowth and rebirth. It tells me that once the resistance is dispersed, the work can be accomplished. Any dark corners of the mind must be cleansed and this must be carried out diligently and sometimes with expert help. It's the last rune on my tattoo. It also talks about reconciliation: forgive everyone everything. Good thought for the new year.

Carry on, cold weather soldiers. Stay warm, remember to wear many layers, arm yourself with warm drinks like tea, put your feet in front of the fire, and be grateful for the day.

end of the week

It's Saturday afternoon and Regis is off doing his AARP thing. Gus, Woodrow, and I have been left to our own devices a lot this week. We miss him when he's gone. Gus is disdainful of how I throw the ball at the park and the house is so quiet. Nobody is singing parodies of holiday songs like "Walking 'Round in Women's Underwear!" Today, we took long naps.

As you have probably surmised, the next few days are going to be near record-breaking cold. It has dominated the news and I don't even watch the news so you can imagine how ubiquitous it is. It's like we are being invaded by martians or something. It has been cold here before, we have experienced dangerous wind chills. Let's move on weather folks.

Regis insists on taking Gus to the park, even if it's just for a short time. Today, I asked him to wear his mad bomber fur hat. The better picture is out of focus so I thought I'd post them both.

My friend, Deb, a former neighbor, a friend, a fellow walker, and pet lover gave me this yesterday. My goofy phone photo doesn't do it justice. It is gorgeous and perfect. Ryan Hughes, the artist, is her son. He is an artist frequently commissioned by colleges and businesses to make art for them. I have real art now! Deb commissioned this especially for me after all our walks and talks about letting go. This is perfect and one of the most meaningful things I have ever gotten. I love it.

I looked through all of my cancer cards the other day, discarded the envelopes I didn't need, read through each message, and decided to keep them a while longer. They were so uplifting.

Then I wrote about my tribulations of the last year (not in great detail...whew) and wrote this note to tuck into most cards. If you don't follow me on Facebook, we don't exchange email, and this is our only contact, I am going to paste the message here for you.

I went through a basket of cards and pictures the other day and realized, again, how many people helped me through my cancer journey. I should have written thank you notes all along but it was overwhelming, the kindness of everyone. So, I’m tucking this little note in with my holiday cards to say thank you for your support: the cards, the emails, the FB posts, the wonderful food, the visits, the snow angels, the packages, the hugs, the offers to take Gus for walks, the phone calls, the books, the laughter, the prayer shawls, the blankets, and the tears. I love to read through the cards and I often go back and read my blog posts from that time where I did a better job of documenting all the kindnesses I received. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Words are not adequate, but know that I will always try to do for others what you have done for me.

I have some things to do before Regis gets home so I will get started. This evening, I plan to sit in front of our little fireplace with my knitting and my coloring. Stay toasty, my friends.

coloring

I spent some time tonight coloring with my new pencils and my new adult coloring book. I am tired; I didn't color inside the lines but it was fine. It's one of my new contemplative activities.

Now, I am sort of awash in a puddle of tears. The past year has been a...I don't even know what to call it.  C.S. Lewis called it thus: "you do not have a soul. you are a soul. you have a body. That, I know, is true.

Karen, I love you from afar. Bless all my friends who have helped me through the past year.

no resolutions

I don't like to make resolutions because they feel like rules that have time limits, two things I hate. I like the big picture...trying to grow and learn. Transforming?

trans·form verb \tran(t)s-ˈfȯrm\
: to change (something) completely and usually in a good way

Full Definition of TRANSFORM
transitive verb
a : to change in composition or structure
b : to change the outward form or appearance of
c : to change in character or condition

Origin of TRANSFORM
Middle English, from Middle French transformer, from Latintransformare, from trans- + formare to form, from formaform
First Known Use: 14th century

Related to TRANSFORM
Synonyms: alchemize, make over, metamorphose, transfigure, convert, transmute, transpose, transubstantiate

Mary and I have talked about cancer, of course, but among many, many other things. I would never say that cancer was a blessing because who needs a hellish blessing like that? But, cancer afforded me this very extreme opportunity to both release things that needed to go, confront things that needed to be confronted, and to have the opportunity to go into the deepest parts of myself and really explore. (words by Eve Ensler, author of In the Body of the World)

Mary has been an agent of change for me. I was so fortunate to stumble onto her when I did. We both believe in signs and there were many signs that I was exactly where I needed to be when I needed to be there. I am very grateful for her skill and compassion.

I am expecting 2014 to be a grand year. No resolutions, just peaceful transformation.