a tribute to my mom

Being a mother is hard work for a lifetime. I didn't know that when I was growing up and my mom was always there to take care of me and worry about me. I know it now that I have children and grand children. I read once that having a child is like making the decision to let your heart walk around outside of your body. It's true.

My mom is a wise woman. She knows how to have fun and she enjoys life. I wrote this poem about all the things I've learned from her. I think I published it here before but in honor of my mom on Mother's Day, here it is again.

What She Taught Me

For Mom

She taught me knitting, sewing, Teeny Tiny,

and reading every night before you go

to bed. She taught me how to make things for

people you love. She taught me how to make

stuffing by letting the butter and chopped onions sit

on the stovetop overnight. She taught me how to

make spaghetti from scratch

and that leftovers make a good meal and that pets,

even messy ones who come through the screen door

during thunderstorms, are part of the family.

She taught me that it’s more important to bake

fresh cookies or to read a book than

have a clean house. She taught me that having piles

of books around your house is decorating and that wearing

a flannel nightgown until noon doesn’t mean you’re

lazy. She taught me that you invite people over

if you’re lonely. She taught me how to always

believe you can fix it yourself and to keep on learning

and that when you go on vacation you should

stay with relatives. She taught me that cookbooks make good

reading and if you don’t have what it calls

for, you use something else. She taught me that hunting

down a good deal and taking a long nap in the afternoon is

the only exercise you ever really need in life.

When my dad died, her husband of more than fifty years, she

taught me that you cry but you go on. You go on living. You keep

the ashes in the window sill, you tell stories about the memories

and you laugh and you cry. But you keep on living.

selling cookies

Regis is famous for his strange and detailed dreams.

The other night he had a dream about me. I had been behaving in a way that aroused suspicion. He decided to find out what I was up to so he followed me down Third Street but lost me when we got close to downtown. When he saw me again, on Nassau Street, I was riding one of these.

I was embarrassed to tell him that part of my new job included delivering cookies on this cycle so I kept it a secret.

Good grief. I wonder what in the world spawned that dream.

It is a cool bike, though.

We went out for dinner at the Cedars Grille last night with some friends. Scott had prime rib and announced suddenly, "Hey, there's a ghost on my meat!" It's a little blob of sour cream with pepper flake eyes but it sure looks like a ghost. Somebody said it's a Konsbruck Hotel ghost. Ha! We went over to the Redmen after dinner for some dancing to the Lost Walleyes. It was a fun evening.

I have a cooler packed for the Ambassador's Blues Fest today...nuts and dried fruit, cheese, olives, dark chocolate, a bottle of wine and a few cold beers. Reverend Raven and the Chain Smokin' Altar Boys start the lineup.

My friend, Katy, in Georgia is making me a Day of the Dead apron this weekend. She found a cool pink and black fabric for the ruffle and she's going to make a skeleton button for the flap. It will be so cool I don't think I will wait for the Day of the Dead to wear it.

She's also making an apron for me out of this:

Cool to have my own apron designer!

my writer's notebook

When I was a teacher, my favorite thing to teach was writing. Not to adults so much because they had their giant sets of nasty fears fed by red pens for all the years of their writing education. It was hard for them to get past that. The monkey mind, Natalie Goldberg calls it.

Adults had fears that they would make a mistake (Oh, God! A dangling participle!) or something would sound stupid. It was hard to get them to let go and just write.

If you could get to kids in time, before the pestilence of the five paragraph essay had them in its death grip, they could learn to enjoy writing, to think of it as just thinking on paper, as mental gymnastics or self-expression.

My friend, Jill, and I did a lot of staff development for teachers of writing, much of it unsuccessful in the long run, but still fun. We had a lot of conversations in the car on the way to wherever, about writing and teaching writing. Some of the favorite memories of my teaching life.

Once, we had to beat a hasty retreat from a small town up north were the teachers turned not only restive but downright hostile. They wanted something different! They wanted grammar rules! They wanted margins to be measured and spelling mistakes to be counted! They wanted us run out of town on a rail! We escaped, but barely. It was like the Old West with no six-shooters.

bridge dream and irrational fear

I've had a recurring dream in the last few months. Unlike most of my dreams, this one has a bit of a plot. I'm at the start of a bridge that looks kind of like this but it goes up into the clouds and over a lake. The top is shrouded in misty clouds so I can't really tell where the end will be. I know I have to cross but there are problems: I can't get my shoes tied, I can't get registered, I can't find the person I am supposed to walk with, it's getting late, it's freezing cold and icy. Always strange circumstances.

I suppose there could be some meaning. Fear of the future? Anxiety about treatments? Feeling a lack of control?

Hard to say, as I have some irrational fears. I am afraid to drive by semi trucks on the highway for fear the wheels might come off and smash into my windshield, for one thing. I worry about riptides whenever I am by the ocean. (This is a very silly fear as I have been by an ocean two times in my life.) I have others but they sound crazy when you write them down so I won't.

It's time for me to reclaim my life. I decided yesterday that I've spent enough time worrying about cancer. I still have the radiation treatments to do and it sounds like I will be spending plenty of time at the cancer center in the next few years so cancer isn't going to go away for me, but I want to start doing some of the things that drifted away with my diagnosis.

I'm going back to the Pulse on Monday. I haven't done a lick of exercise except for an occasional walk with the dog in the month since I finished Exercise is Medicine. I want to start walking outside, too. I'm gearing up for gardening season and have several plans. I'd like to start answering my phone again and get better at sending thank you notes. Is this too ambitious?

My friend, Nancy, loaned me a book called Picking Up the Pieces: Moving Forward After Surviving Cancer. I wasn't ready to read it until now. It's what I want to do: Move forward.

I just got an email from my google calendar. We have no events scheduled today. Regis says that is a waste of bandwidth. Haha!

out of the nest

My last taxol treatment!

I was booted from my chemo nest today. It happened with little ceremony but I did a hug from one  nurse and a star pin from Judy, my research nurse, because I have been a star patient. I told her I had mixed feelings about being done and she nodded knowingly. She said there was so much uncertainty during the early phase of diagnosis and this phase, the treatment, feels safe and secure and definite. Now I feel adrift again.

One of the very nice things about cancer is the people I have met. A woman I connected with via the dog park and a massage therapist started her chemo yesterday. She posted a picture of herself sitting my booth at the cancer center! It made me feel better about leaving somehow. I told that story to the nurse, not mentioning any names of course because of HPPA and FRPA and all those other acronyms, but Jessica said, "I think I know just who you are talking about." My spot there will be in good hands.

Regis and I went to Panera for a cup of coffee to celebrate. I paid almost ten dollars for two cups of coffee and two bagels. Seems like a lot, no? It was fun to run into Mary and Greg and Diane and Jim there. I got two more hugs. If hugs were money, I'd be rich. Come to think of it, they are like money and I am indeed rich.

We motored down to Patrick's last night for a beer and a pizza. For some reason, during inclement winter weather, Minnesotans like to go to bars. It's a well known phenomenon and if you haven't witnessed it, you should. People like to get together and tell stories about how deep the snow was on the deck, what kind of snow blower they have, and how they couldn't get the back door open. It's a hoot.

Regis has been taking bird pictures as the little birds returning to Minnesota (and the ones who stayed here, I imagine) were expecting to find worms and bugs to eat. They didn't expect a foot of snow. Here are just a few.

The snow came sideways in the latter part of the so everything was coated on the north side with a heavy coat of snow. Regis said the garage looked like the hotel in The Shining. It was really beautiful and would have been more so if it had been December.

Gus loves the snow. He went to the Paw this morning and they told us when we picked up that he had a wonderful time. He loves to run in the snow and jump over drifts. A woman who works there, at a computer, loves Gus. When he came in she jumped up and came over to him and said, "I heard you were coming!" Like bringing a little kid to daycare.

Next week, I'm going to take a bouquet of flowers to my chemo nurses and doctors. And maybe some brownies. They have made an experience that you certainly would sign up for if you had a choice, a very pleasant thing. Bless their hearts.

cardinals for my friend and neighbor, deb

The cardinals have been frequent visitors to the bird feeders, Deb!

winter storm yogi

I'm not complaining about the weather even though it give me plenty of opportunity. The moisture is good and now I don't have to worry so much about wild fires this summer. Regis filled the bird feeders yesterday, put out extra peanuts for the squirrels, and put nesting materials in the suet feeder for the robins.

Karen, I wrote a comment to you after your comment in yesterday's post. Don't know if you look back so here it is: So glad you enjoyed the 25 random things about me! I appreciate your comments so much. The list was fun to do but harder than I thought it would be. I only got interested when a friend of mine wrote one and shared it. You know I like lists...here is an old one...a favorite of mine from the past:

Things that annoy me in no particular order  Send me your list!

I just talked to my mom on the phone. We're both sitting in our pajamas, drinking coffee, looking longingly out the window. We talked about our garden plans and buying flowers. She told me her sump pump is running for the first time in two years. That almost makes the wintery weather worth it.

We picked Elliot up from daycare yesterday and took him to Lone Star Barbecue for dinner where he ordered a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. His cousins, Ella and Alex, came over to play for a while when we got home. They were all happy and they played so well making pretend food in the kitchen with a couple bowls and a hand mixer. Alex said he was making chocolate squirrels and gnome cake.

I suppose now that my chemo is ending, I will eventually run out of reason to be absent minded and flakey. Just to remind everyone who knows me: What is usually called chemo brain is the result of a trauma to the psyche from the cancer diagnosis, not to the actual chemicals. This could be just the way I am. The new me.

It's raining now...or sleeting. Hard to tell. It will be a day for beef stew, a good book, and a nap. How's that for ambitious plans?

25 random things about me...a writing assignment

1. I like to read... constantly. I can't sit still for five minutes without reading something...the label on a box, someone else's list, a road map.
2. I have been lucky enough to always have someone in my life who fills my car with gas. I rarely do it myself.
3. I ran a half marathon in something over three hours which is more time than some people take to run a full marathon.
4. In the sportpix photo of me in the half marathon, I was eating a peanut butter sandwich and waving at people.
5. I got an F on the softball throw every year in school because I could only throw it 50 feet. 
6. I swam across the Iowa River once. It was a very dumb thing to do.
7. I hate carnival rides that leave the ground or go fast.
8. I told a man at a service station years ago that I thought my oil light was broken because it was going off and on. He said I didn't deserve to drive a car.
9. Two things I can't do: math and cards.
10. I played the French horn (badly) in high school.
11. I never kill spiders, even if they are in the house. I have rescued a few from the sink and the tub. Eventually they dry off and run away.
12. I have only flown in an airplane seven times. Three times to Philadelphia, once to Spokane, once to San Francisco, once to Arizona, and once to Iowa.
13. I know how to make pierogis (Polish) and lefse (Norwegian).
14. I'd like to learn to draw and play the concertina. Not at the same time.
15. Yesterday I made a list of my 50 favorite books. The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien was on the list.
16. Since, October 1, 2006, I've written 1,903 blog posts.
17. I never play the radio in the car when I'm driving.
18. I eat peanut butter almost every day.
19. I like social media but I think Pinterest is electronic hoarding.
20. I love to diagram sentences.
21. I have a binder for the recipes of each holiday. I save the menu, the recipes, and a few pictures. It's like the archive for my cooking life.
22. I remember when it cost 25 cents to go to a movie and popcorn was a dime.
23. I started school in Herman, Minnesota. I didn't go to kindergarten because they didn't have one.
24. I taught my dog to give a high five.
25. I can't believe it was so hard to come up with 25 random things.

read this!

My friend, Joanne, gave me this book: Read This! It's composed of lists of favorite books by employees of independent bookstores across the country. I read through it once, then went back to check off the books I had read, then went through it again and marked the ones that were my favorites, too. Here is my list of 50 favorite books.

1. The Things They Carried by Tim O’Brien

2. Bel Canto by Ann Patchett

3. Out Stealing Horses by Per Petterson

4. Pilgrim at Tinker Creek by Annie Dillard

5. Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtry

6. The World According to Garp by John Irving

7. Cider House Rules by John Irving

8. Hotel New Hampshire by John Irving

9. Gorky Park by Martin Cruz Smith

10. A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole

11. Sophie’s Choice by William Styron

12. Dalva by Jim Harrison

13. True North by Jim Harrison

14. Returning to Earth by Jim Harrison

15. Cold Mountain by Charles Frazier

16. Love Medicine by Louise Erdrich

17. A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving

18. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

19. The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers

20. Travels with Charlie by John Steinbeck

21. The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver

22. The Bird Artist by Howard Norman

23. What is Left the Daughter by Howard Norman

24. Charming Billy by Alice McDermott

25. Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout

26. Three Junes by Julia Glass

27. The Tennis Partner by Abraham Verghese

28. The Heart Can Be Filled Anywhere on Earth by Bill Holm

29. Coming Home Crazy by Bill Holm

30. Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott

31. Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott

32. The Tie That Binds by Kent Haruf

33. Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides

34. Thunderbolt Kid by Bill Bryson

35. Oranges by John McPhee

36. Into Thin Air by John Krakauer

37. Coming into the Country by John McPhee

38. Shadow Divers by Robert Kurston

39. Blue Highways by William Least Heat Moon

40. River Horse by William Least Heat Moon

41. Sea Biscuit by Laura Hildebrand

42. Born Standing Up by Steve Martin

43. Alias Grace by Margaret Atwood

44. Bring Up the Bodies by Hillary Mantel

45. The Last Report on the Miracles at Little No Horse by Louise Erdrich

46. The Master Butchers Singing Club by Louise Erdrich

47. The Road Home by Jim Harrison

48. Doctor Zhivago by Boris Pasternak

49. Snow Falling on Cedars by David Guterson

50. She’s Come Undone by Wally Lamb

I'd love to know what's on your list of favorite books!

reading and such

It's only 9:30 am and Regis and I are having a cup of coffee after going to Mankato to buy groceries and stop at Walgreen's. The garbage truck just came by and so did the street sweeper so we're in good shape on all fronts this morning. We're feeling pretty smug.

I'm preoccupied with my one remaining chemo treatment. I expected to be relieved but I'm not feeling that way so much. I'm feeling anxious and a bit sad. I always felt safe in the treatment room, like they were helping me to feel better and be healthier. Getting to the end feels like I'm on my own again.

We bought some meat for grilling even though we aren't optimistic about getting to grill soon. The forecast for this week is Winter Storm Yogi. What the hell. A sign of spring in Minnesota is that you can see a person in shorts and a t-shirt the same day you see a person in a snorkel parka.

I'm glad we don't watch television news when tragedies like the Boston bombing happen. I read about it and I have a much better filter that way. I can be informed but not inundated. Watching television news is bad for your brain.

My niece in Ohio is making garden snails these days. Aren't they cute? It's also nice to see that people in some places have been able to dig in the dirt and plant things!

Gus and Regis went to the dog park while I read for a while and took a nap. Gus wears boots so his feet don't get quite so muddy. He tolerates them well and he jumps right in the tub if he still needs a rinse off. What a good dog, Gus.

I wrote yesterday about stumbling onto Good Reads and I have enjoyed it. I wonder how books wind up on their site, though. They keep recommending Born Free to me and that came out originally in 1960.  What the hell. One thing I've noticed is that a LOT of books these days are part of series. Not my favorite kind of reading.

I've read a lot of Ian Rankin lately, and Colin Dexter. I'd read more of Colin Dexter if I could get them for my Kindle. I don't think my cataracts will allow me to read a trade paperback. I ordered a couple of Dennis Lahane's books this morning: Gone, Baby, Gone and Mystic River. I know they were both movies but I didn't see them. Not that I would remember the ending anyway.

I think it was easier when I was younger. I went to the library, I took out three or four books, I went home and read them. Now, I have too much access, too many easy ways to get books which now that I write it down is not a bad thing. Just thinking...

The plan of the day is to do the dishes, get dressed, read, and go to the winery. Sounds like a perfect day to me.

every day is saturday

It was 32 degrees and raining sideways when we went out to the winery yesterday. The meadow is still snow covered and the patio is wet and cold. They open in two weeks so we hope the weather warms up a little, although I have a feeling their fans are tough and will come no matter the weather. We bottled and labeled Fox Run, a sweet red wine. Not my favorite but it's their best seller. We had a good time.

Somehow I got hooked into the Good Reads website this weekend and I have spent hours rating books and looking at my recommendations. It feels like I'm not wasting time sitting here when I'm looking at books. Right? It's been fun to remember books I read years ago like A Separate Peace and A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. It's a visceral process as I obviously don't remember the plot of every book I've ever read. Sometimes I don't remember the plot of the book I read last week.

My friend, Joanne, gave me a book made up of favorite book lists from book store employees across the country. It was fun reading and now I'm going to go back and check the ones I've read so I can make my own list.

If you live in the north, you understand the need for sunlight and warmth this time of year. After a long winter of very short days and very cold temperatures, we crave the sun. Making this prolonged winter weather more difficult to tolerate. It doesn't do any good to complain about it as you just start resenting it more. But holy crap. I shouldn't have to wear snow boots the end of April! We want to get out the patio furniture! We want to barbecue! We're tired of chili and stew! We're tired of wool socks and stocking caps!

Gus spent the day with his cousin, Ace, yesterday. Ace is a little Boston terrier and they get along great. When we drove into the driveway at the end of the day, Gus poked his big head out between the living room curtains...he knows the sound of our car.

I've had a very social week. We went out to dinner on Saturday evening with family, we met nice people at the winery yesterday, I had long phone conversations with my cousin Deb and my mom, and tomorrow night we're going out for dinner with friends, Bob and Richie. It helps with the winter malaise.

I lost a pair of eyelashes over the weekend. I took them off not in the usual place and by the next morning they had disappeared. When they aren't stuck to your eyes or to the packaging, they're fragile and small and apt to stick to other things. They could blow away with a pouf of air. Apparently, that's what happened to these.

Make it a good week. Be sure to put have fun on your list of things to do!

this and that

It was a good week for me. Not so much sleeping, a little more energy, and I put make-up on four times...even the eyelashes. All positive signs.

This is the beautiful bulb garden from my friends at River Rock. It's been blooming since Easter Sunday and it smells so nice. I love it!

We had our young friends, John and Amber, over for dinner last night. Since we didn't get home until 4:30, we stopped at HyVee and took care of the menu: two racks of already cooked ribs, twice baked potatoes, bread and salad, and a bundt cake for dessert. We always have a good time with them. Amber and I drink wine, Regis and John talk about man stuff, and we laugh a lot. It is such good therapy.

I had my 11th chemo treatment yesterday. And a consult with the radiation oncologist. He said radiation will be a good thing to do. I'll have 28 treatments on my breast, my neck lymph nodes, and my arm pit. I go in next week for the set-up and will probably start the first week in May. I had to watch a video on radiation. I had one of those moments like the first time I went to the cancer center. I thought...what?...cancer? Me? After all this time and all the treatments, I can still separate the two things in my mind....the reason and the result. Sigh.

I popped into Encore after chemo to do a little shopping. I found some great deals: a couple vests, a long white linen shirt, and a beautiful kimono. I've always wanted one but they were too spendy for me. This was 35 bucks and what a deal. It's gorgeous. I think I'll wear it out to Peter's birthday dinner tonight.

This is my trusty chemo pump that has been my weekly companion for the last three months. There is something soothing about the noise it makes. I've decided to leave my port in until I'm done with radiation. The nurse told me yesterday that sometimes people have to be hydrated during radiation and that would be easier with the port. I have to have it flushed once a month to prevent blood clots or I might leave it in longer. I'll be seeing the oncologist and having blood drawn every three months for the next two years.

The poor robins are trying to survive with no access to worms or nesting material. They visit the feeder often and I'm going to put out some yarn and string for them today. I know the grackles and starlings have to eat, too, but they are a pain in the ass. Beady eyed little hogs.

We are going to Pappageorge tonight to celebrate my baby boy's 26th birthday. How did he get that old? It should be a hoot of a time. I hope they have fish with mango salsa or crab cakes. My two favorites.

Tomorrow, we're going back to Morgan Creek to bottle wine. It's hard work but it's a hoot. And we get our wages in wine. What could be better?

winter storm michael palin

We listen to KMSU's Shufflefunction in the morning. Tim and Shelley named this winter storm after Michael Palin of Monty Python. Very fitting. 

All schools in the area are closed. When I got up at 3 am, there was only rain and some of the slush from yesterday had melted. When Regis woke me at 7, it looked like this out our front door. We shouldn't be alarmed as it is not the first time we've had snow in April, in fact, I think snow in April is pretty par for the course. Not that it sucks any less.

Yesterday, our friend Rene came to call. She brought pizza and cheese bread from Jake's and we had a glass of wine. Rene is a force and we love seeing her.

I have some anxiety about my appointments tomorrow. Not the chemo appointments; I'm an old hand at those. The radiology consult is what's making me apprehensive. I hear that the doctor has a less than pleasant bedside manner but the nurses are wonderful. I don't feel like dealing with a cranky doctor.

It's been my experience, in the medical system I frequent lately, that everyone is warm and friendly. I thought it was part of the criteria for getting a job there. It should be. Maybe this guy doesn't deserve his reputation. There will be a full report.

Last week, while wearing the backless blue gown, I hugged my oncologist. It was the end of my last visit with him during my chemo and he is such a kind and caring man. It just seemed like the right thing to do.

About ten minutes ago, we heard Tim and Shelley say that they would post on their blog, pictures of listeners making snow angels while wearing Shufflefunction t-shirts. We jumped right up and made it happen.

Bunny wearing a big old snow hat...and a bird!

weather

Winter Storm Warning in effect for much of central Minnesota, including the Twin Cities.

1.64" liquid precipitation predicted by Friday (00z NAM model).

Light Sleet, freezing rain and snow today - mix will keep amounts down a bit.

Mostly snow tonight into Thursday night, when the more significant accumulations should pile up.

6-9" additional snow possible across much of the MSP metro area by Friday morning, on top of the 1-2" that fell overnight.

This should mean the bars and liquor stores will be busy the next few days. Tuck yourself into bed with a good book and a package of cookies and wait it out.

I'll make some April snow angels tomorrow!

a blog post that does not mention the weather

We had a delightful time yesterday visiting our old neighbors, Mike and Erin, at their new house. Five-year old Kathryn was shy at first but by the end of our visit, she was chattering a mile a minute as she jogged past the couch. New baby, Nora Jane, is beautiful.

Regis went off to do taxes one last time so I am free to do whatever I feel like doing which most days is nothing. We have about four inches of snow on the ground with more to come so that precludes yard work, thank God.

Not that I would get started this early anyway. My lawn warrior neighbor starts raking as the snow piles recede. Not us. Usually, we mean to rake and then...we don't. We're the minimalist lawn care people on our street. We pick up the circulars that come in those neon bags and we mow sometimes. I like to say we're making oxygen by letting the grass get tall.

I'm reading a new book. The author describes his mother who is in a nursing home with dementia, false teeth, gray and lanky hair, and a multitude of wrinkles. Then he says she is 60. WTF. I know people who are 90 who don't look like that. WTF.

Since spring is so long in coming and we're anxious for gardening season, I decided to visit the archives of photos of my garden. It was beautiful in 2003. I want to have a nice garden again this summer.

Here's to spring...whenever it arrives!

parking on the world wide web

After trying again to hook up to my custom domain, I gave up and called Godaddy technical support. I was nervous because I was afraid they would speak that Phoenician language tech support people understand but normal human beings don't. The young woman who helped me was very patient and spoke plain English. I will say that the whole process was much more difficult than it seemed at first. But I persevered and it works! Check me out on www.teresasaum.com! Your old links and bookmarks will still work...blogger will automatically send you to the right place.

my own domain redux and whoop ass

WTF. This seemed easy Sunday. It's two days later and I have spent many hours trying to decipher the instructions, the help information, the forums, and trying to remember passwords for this and that. I can only do it for about two hours at a time, then my head threatens to explode and I have to stop. This is not a job for amateurs. If anybody knows anything about custom domains and blogger could use some help. I'm starting to think I should have left well enough alone.

The weather here is frightful. It's cold, windy, rainy, and threatening to snow 4 inches. Really? WTF. It's April. I know this is a more typical spring (as opposed to the last three or four that were atypical but much nicer) but this gets old after a long winter. Don't try to talk me out of being cranky. It won't work.

I can see I'm going to need a can of whoop ass today.

I haven't been happy with the last three books I've read. They have been tedious. I get it, I get it. after the second chapter, I get it. Let's not spend a whole book telling the same thing over and over. I won't name the books because this just might be a part of my general malaise.

I see I have spent some time bitching this morning. To end the post of the day, here are the things for which I am grateful:

1. Good friends. You know who you are.
2. My mom. She's taught me a lot about living a happy life and getting through tough times.
3. Regis. He got out of bed the other night and made sure my feet were covered up.
4. My bulb garden. It smells like spring!
5. Books. My life is so much richer for reading.
6. Babies. Going out to meet a new one today. Welcoming Nora Jane!
7. Babies. Congrats to Letitia and Jared!
8. A warm house. I know everybody in the world doesn't have one.
9. Rain. I'm complaining about it but we needed it.
10. Sleep.

my own domain

Yesterday I bought my own domain, which in my limited knowledge of the internet means that I have a space on the world wide web: www.teresasaum.com. My blog will migrate there sometime today, looking just as it does now. The bookmarks and links will stay the same. Very strange.

I've thought about doing this for a long time but I was afraid I'd lose my widgets Or something. I thought it would look different and I thought it would be hard to do. Piece of cake. Click click click. Ten bucks a year. My own space on the internet. Who'd have thought.

Regis tells me I have to put the Swedish candelabra away for the summer. He thinks it might be causing our persistent winter weather. I just heard that it will snow tomorrow so he may be right.

Gonzo and Elvis

We went to Tom and Betty's for dinner last night. Gus was invited, too. He runs and plays with all their dog toys while Gonzo and Elvis watch from the chair. Dinner was great, Tom! Betty and I tried unsuccessfully to remember when we met. We both can be a little addled sometimes, so no surprise there.

Well, I am out of inspiration so I'm going back to bed until the sun comes out again.

eyelash experiment

I feel very ugly most days. I don't mind the loss of hair on my head so much. Regis says my hair is now about this length. I was hoping it would come back curly and red but no such luck.

I mind the lack of eyelashes and eyebrows more. I look like a knobhead and most times, make-up is way too much trouble so I just live with that look. The other day at Walgreen's, I came face-to-face with the false eyelashes and decided it was time to take another stab at those.

I watched a couple youtube videos, I trimmed them like Richie suggested, and I put the glue on my desk rather than try to squeeze an infinitesimal amount onto a thing the size of a hair. All in all, not a bad try. As long as they don't creep across my face as the evening progresses, we're good.

I chose fairly conservative lashes. You can buy Lady Gaga lashes but I thought that might be too much on my wrinkly old face. Hahahaha!

going back to bed

I've been up for about an hour but I think I have decided to go back to bed. It's cold and gloomy outside again. Yesterday the temperature got up to 60 for about five minutes. By the time Regis and I made our way to the Lone Star for bbq, it was cold and rainy. Spring is coming reluctantly this year.

We had such a nice, ordinary Saturday. We took a drive to pick up a few things at Walgreen's and stopped at the dog park. (I sat on the bench for a while but that many dogs is over-stimulating for me so I went to the car. Ha.) We went for a late lunch, I took a nap, and Ella and Alex came over to make spaghetti monsters and rice krispie eggs.

Several hours later...

Going back to bed for a while was a good choice.

I'm not dressed yet and it's almost noon. What happened to that energy?

I got busy and ordered a bunch of new pictures for the family photo wall. I realized the pictures up there were all two years old. I love looking back through pictures. It makes me realize, again, how much fun we have.

I tried to use a Walgreen's coupon to order pictures from Snapfish. That didn't work but the customer service agent at Snapfish was very patient with me and my brain dysfunction.

My bulb garden is blooming! It came from my friends at River Rock via Mary's Flowers. It's beautiful and springy!

 On to a busy Sunday. We're going to hear some music later this afternoon and then to Tom and Betty's for dinner. It's been a very nice weekend.

goodbye to roger

Roger Ebert was my favorite movie critic. I always (most of the time) trusted his taste. I loved reading his reviews because he could have an acid pen. This is one of my favorite reviews he wrote. It's for The Village, which was absolutely as dumb as he says.

"To call it an anticlimax would be an insult not only to climaxes but to prefixes. It's a crummy secret, about one step up the ladder of narrative originality from It Was All a Dream. It's so witless, in fact, that when we do discover the secret, we want to rewind the film so we don't know the secret anymore. And then keep on rewinding, and rewinding, until we're back at the beginning, and can get up from our seats and walk backward out of the theater and go down the up escalator and watch the money spring from the cash register into our  pockets."

If I had been working, I might have taken a grief day off for Roger. I've already let everyone know that I'll be taking a week off when Bob Dylan passes. I plan to play every CD of his that I own, starting with the earlier ones and ending with the latest.

I've been exchanging cards and pictures and occasionally a package with my two great-nieces in Ohio. They know Gus from his pictures. My brother was down visiting last week and Darby, the younger one, said she saw Gus's doppelganger as they were driving...a buff labradoodle. I wonder if that was on her vocabulary list at school.

I had a great week with more energy than I have had in quite a while. I'm sure I bragged about my achievements here so I won't repeat it. I had my tenth taxol treatment yesterday morning but I slept well last night. Every week is a little different but I'm thankful for the good ones.

I have only two treatments left. I feel a sense of relief in one way to be almost done but there is also some fear and some sadness. I feel very cared for when I'm there. I know all the nurses by now and I am attached to them. I'm nervous about leaving my "treatments" behind. I'll see my oncologist every three months for the next two years so that should help with my withdrawal.

Next week, I meet with the radiologist and I think I get a tattoo. Not the way I wanted to get my first tattoo but what the hell.

We have a cardinal pair in the feeder again. We get the whole family in the winter and just mom and dad most of the summer. Sometimes we get a glimpse of the young ones but not often. The grackles and starlings and red-winged blackbirds are back, too. The juvenile delinquents of the bird world. Grackles have beady eyes, starlings poop like geese, and red-winged blackbirds have a screech like an old cell phone. But we take the good with the bad when it comes to birds.

I don't plan to do much today. Ella and Alex are coming over this evening to make spaghetti monsters with PopPop again. I'll take a bath, a nap, and a walk...probably in just that order.

me and math

I had a bad math experience in second grade that scarred me for life. I developed such an aversion to it that my brain closes down when I'm confronted with a math problem. I used a multiplication table in a college math class, for God's sake. My disability is well-known (and ridiculed) by those who know me well. I can't add three numbers twice and get the same answer.

Yesterday, Regis almost had me talked into doing taxes for AARP. They're short a volunteer and he almost had me convinced that I wouldn't have to do any math. I almost succumbed. Then I recalled that I am prone to transposing numbers and suffering great anxiety from the idea of numbers. In the end, I declined. It was a near miss.

I liken it to the time I was almost convinced to be a middle school volleyball coach. It will be easy, they said. You don't really have to know that much about volleyball, they said. I almost said yes. Whew close.

Math always seemed random to me. I was in my twenties before I figured out that 7 plus 4 is always 11. Good grief. Why do they try to keep that stuff secret?

I do not jest, my friends.

Regis is off doing taxes today. Gus and I might go back to bed for a while, just because we can.

Yesterday was my second productive day in a row. I puttered around the house, putting things away and organizing just a little bit. I took Gus for a walk but it was chilly and we only went a mile and a half. I took my laptop to Patrick's and wrote a letter to a friend while I ate a cheeseburger and had a big cup of coffee.

I also made about half a dozen phone calls about bills, appointments, insurance, etc. The kind of stuff I hate and put off too long. I was pleased as punch when I finished.

I have a couple of light projects lined up for today. I don't want this productivity thing to be a habit. It might raise expectations of me and I wouldn't want that.

update

It's been an eventful day. I put away the Easter things, even took the tub to the basement and put the extra table on the porch. I cleaned up the kitchen, cleaned up the humidifier, and much to my chagrin, fell on the floor. Gus has a big bone he chews on and when you step on that thing it's like a roller skate. I went down in slow motion, thinking oh no, this is going to be bad but I only whacked my elbow. It's amazing: one minute you are vertical and the next, horizontal.

Regis and I decided to do some errands...dog license, bank, grocery store (to return the yeast I bought Saturday that had expired last October), and car vacuum so we could install the new seat protector. We are not usually so goal driven and rewarded ourselves with lunch at the Lone Star after which I came home to nap and read.

We saw our first robin of the season this morning. It's very late for the first robin sighting, as some years they are here all winter, There was a cardinal pair at the feeder, too, the female looking very rotund from eggs.

It's been a busy day.

aftermath

 It's the aftermath of holidays that is exhausting. Anticipation helps me find the energy before the holiday, but after, the only reason to put the Easter eggs away is that I don't want them around on the 4th of July. Today, my goal is to put the Easter stuff away.

My eyelashes have gotten very thin with chemo. I hardly have any left and it's tough to get mascara on them. I think I'm going to try fake eyelashes again only I wish I could get Regis to apply them for me. I tried them once before and they looked like caterpillars on my eyelids because I couldn't get them straight.

Of course, Youtube. There are tons of tutorials for false eyelashes on Youtube. Why didn't I think of that?

I ordered a white noise machine this morning. I have been using a humidifier this winter but that's a pain in the rear to keep clean. Besides the moisture, I like the noise. It masks the sound of the two yippers next door who bark right outside my window.

The snow is gone from the patio but it's only going to be 40 degrees today and that's a little chilly for patio sitting. The swing is still in the garage. Sigh.

easter 2013

It was the usual cast of characters and the usual high-jinx at our family Easter celebration yesterday. Regis and Peter made pretzel rolls in the morning and I cooked the ham in the afternoon. Everybody brought things to share and the meal was delicious.

It's not a holiday without a dogfight, Regis says, and yesterday the dogfight took the form of a 

non-functional water heater. We had to heat water on the stove all day to keep up with dishes until the Center Point guy came to fix it at the end of the day. Tiffany eked out enough hot water before she went home to get the dishes started. When I get some gumption, I'll finish them. Could even be today.

Here's part of the spread. Fruit by Reg and Amber, wild rice casserole by Tom, vegetables by Brenda and Steve, beans by Emily and Bob, and cheese potatoes by Tiffany and Eric.

I cleaned up the porch and put a heater out there so the kids would have a place to play. Ella does a great job of keeping tabs on the boys but they all place so nicely together.

Here they are recreating the speak no evil, see no evil, hear no evil pose.

Gus looks like a monster in this picture. He loves holidays and company!

Ella and her Nana

I still have dirty dishes in the kitchen. Regis is going to make another batch of pretzel rolls for ham sandwiches so I am committed to getting the dishes done soon. That means I will probably have to get dressed and vertical. After my disastrous night's sleep Friday and no nap yesterday, I am not too inclined.

It's very cold and windy today but the sky is bright blue. It's spring at last!