sunshine and shadows

I had to step outside in my pajamas this morning to take a picture of the sunshine and shadows. We have seen precious little of both lately. We're still experiencing thunderstorms, or at least the threat of them, so we appreciate the respite.

We're headed over to Eastridge in Mankato this morning for my PET scan. PET stands for positron emission tomography. A PET scan uses radiation, or nuclear medicine imaging, to produce 3-dimensional, color images of the functional processes within the human body. I'll get injected with some radioactive shit and shoved into a tiny tube where I have to lie completely still for an hour. I'm sure it will be a lovely time. Said no person ever.

Some of that stuff I took right off the internet so you could use it in a research paper if you wanted to...I am not usually so factual in my reportage. Meaning I exaggerate and dramatize for effect.

We have a flank steak we're going to cook on the grill tonight. It's one of my all-time favorite meals. We grill red peppers and onions with it, sometimes I make chipotle aioli and we have some wonderful mango salsa. A feast for the senses.

Here we go. I'll report back later.

monday...and so it goes

Back from two of four medical appointments this week. Thumbs up on both of these. I have graduated from radiation for the time being and I was glad to say good-bye to that experience. Adios, y'all!

I'm going to plant some hostas today but apparently I am playing that game where you wait until the last minute...right before it starts to rain. Regis thinks he is going to get the front yard mowed, too, but that will be another touch and go situation. It's hard this year to find a time when the grass is dry enough to mow, it hasn't yet started to rain again, and you have the time and gumption to mow it. It takes a powerful and mysterious confluence of the forces in the universe.

I didn't think I needed a nap today but now I wonder if that should be my reward for getting the planting done. A retreat to the blanket fort to read and play my new iPad game, Color Zen.

I'm filling my garden with hostas and ivy. I got a few plants from Jill a few years back and put them in the side yard but decided they were too pretty to be hidden so now they are front and center. Betsy, my sweet neighbor, brought me a bowl full of hostas the other night and I put them in the ground today.

I love the soft palette of greens in the shade. It's a very restful garden. When I get it weeded, I'll have Regis take some more pictures.

Got the yard work done and took a splendid nap. It's been a good day.

unexpected sweetness

Sometimes when I get blue and feel like wallowing in self-pity or at least crankiness, I remind myself to look around and appreciate the things that appear where I don't expect them.

That's serendipity, I guess. A happy accident or a pleasant surprise.

Richie brought me this absolutely gorgeous peony from her garden yesterday. It's the most beautiful shade of pink and it's huge. She also brought a bowl of pasta salad that I loved. I'm not usually a big fan of those but this one was light and flavorful without being oily. Yummy lunch. I'm going to call her for the recipe.

We went to the comedy show at the Treaty Site last night. There was not a big crowd (too many other things going on...) but we had a great time.

I remember a friend of mine telling me, years ago, not to be disappointed when support or encouragement or empathy don't come from the people you expect it to come from but rejoice when it comes from other unexpected places.

Last night, I saw a man I knew through my work at River Rock. A very nice man...but we saw each other only once a month or so when I would pick something up at his shop. He came over to me last night and asked how I was, said he didn't know about my breast cancer, but when he realized I wasn't coming in anymore, he asked around. He apologized for not knowing, wished me well, and was so kind and sweet it brought tears to my eyes.

I got up early this morning (to watch the storm) and had a long email from my friend, Karen, in New Jersey. It's almost like having coffee with her...I sit in my chair and sip coffee and read the stories of how she met her husband, the birthday celebration for her grandchildren, and her attempts (like mine) to get her cooking mojo back after a few major pains in the ass of life. Such serendipity to meet a friend like that through the comments on a blog.

It was a good day for a nap, being cold, dark, and gloomy outside. I went into the bedroom, turned on the ceiling fan and the white noise machine. I read for a while then fell into a deep and restful sleep. Something to be very grateful for...a delicious nap.

I must have had the Batman signal out yesterday because I heard from two brothers, my mom, and a friend. So nice to hear from them.

I'm going to get moving now that it's almost noon. I'm going to take a shower, do the dishes from breakfast, and then cook something. Maybe cookies.

weather and health...both a drag

Today

91 °F

T-storms

50% chance of precipitation

Tonight

73 °F

T-storms

60% chance of precipitation

Tomorrow

86 | 64 °F

T-storms

70% chance of precipitation

Monday

84 | 72 °F

Thunderstorm

20% chance of precipitation

Tuesday

90 | 72 °F

Chance of a Thunderstorm

20% chance of precipitation

Wednesday

90 | 68 °F

Partly Cloudy

This is our weather forecast for the next four days. Unpleasant because we have already had several days of booming thunderstorms and heavy rain. Last night we had some nickel size hail that didn't seem to do any damage.

It's dark and cloudy this morning and the feeders are full of birds, many of them young ones. Grackles, robins, doves. Cardinals and orioles seem to keep their babies at home for a long time.

I feel better than I did a few days ago but I still don't feel right somehow. Anxious? Yes. Filled with dread? No. Somewhere between the two...on the freak-out continuum. I just wanted to get my real life back. I didn't want to spend another week waiting for a damn test and its results. Crap. Shit.

I don't ever think "why me?". I know this shit is random and I know that many people deal with far worse things than this. I know I shouldn't worry about the future and I know that I should live every day to the fullest. I know that in my head but I'm having trouble getting that to transfer to my heart.

Sigh. PET scan Tuesday. Shit.

I'm tired of thinking about this. Tired. And bored. And this morning I have a shitty attitude about it all. When I talked to Judy the other day, she said cancer is part of my experience now and I have to find a way to integrate into my life. It doesn't have to be the focus but it won't go away. I wonder how to do that.

Maybe I need to bring out the whoop ass again. Yes, that's it.

So the whoop ass for today is:

• Bacon and eggs for breakfast
• Bake a loaf of bread
• Take a nap
• Read my book
• Go to the comedy show tonight

If you have any unused whoop ass sitting around at your house, let me know. I'll pick it up.

summer solstice

On Wednesday, we went to Waseca for my MRI. The purpose was to investigate the reason for my back and leg pain which has been much better since last week. I expected to get a report that everything was fine although I had some deep down fears of the kind you don't mention because people will think you're crazy.

My phone rang as I walked back into the house about 4 o'clock. My local doctor already had the report. Good news was that my nerves, joints, discs, and all looked fine. No mechanical problems. But the report didn't rule out metastasis. What the fuck. METASTASIS. Here we go. Dead man walking.

Anybody who has had any proximity to cancer knows that metastasis is bad shit. Very bad shit. It means the cancer soldiers have taken their pup tents and set up outposts everywhere.

Yesterday I woke up at 8, went back to bed at 9, and stayed there in my blanket fort until about noon when Judy, my sweet research nurse, called to talk me off the cliff. She said to focus on the fact that the report said non-specific. It also mentioned motion which could mean that I wiggled. Judy and my oncologist said they are obligated to do the next step but it does not at all mean there is anything terrible going on in my bones.

She also said metastasis was not in the report. That word must have sprung unbidden from the mouth of a nervous doctor. Dammit. They should know better than to fling around those hot button words. After that word, I didn't hear another thing she said.

That my back is much better is an excellent indicator that it will be fine. If I had bone cancer, it would not get better in a week. That's what the experts tell me. The PET scan is the thing that will confirm it.

So I feel better. Better enough to make it through the next five days. I have a PET scan scheduled for Tuesday at 10:30.

We have been up to our usual hi jinx. We had lunch at Mazatlan on Wednesday on our way to the MRI. We ran into the Dos Equis man in the waiting area! The police often question him just because they find him interesting.

Stay thirsty, my friends!

After our two days of mortal mental combat, we decided to go out for an early dinner to celebrate our 14th anniversary which is really Saturday. We indulged in stuffed jalapenos, a rack of ribs, a pork stuffed baked potato and a glass of wine. We have enough food to last for several more meals but it was wonderful. A respite from the shitty world of cancer.

My sweet Regis. He has been my greatest angel through all of this. He takes me to all of my appointments without complaining. He listens to my crazy fears and rants. He doesn't mind if I retreat to the blanket fort for hours at a time. I asked him yesterday if he didn't ever get tired of all this bullshit and he got tears in his eyes and said no, not at all. I am lucky to have him in my life.

I'm wearing Regis's new glasses from 39dollars.com. He also got a pair from Coastal for ten bucks that he loves. We'll never pay 600 dollars for a pair of glasses again. 

The MRI which has receded into the background of my experience was not a horrible thing. It's a tiny space and it's very loud but I kept my eyes closed and pretended that the loud noise was a new-age punk rock band doing a concert. I told the techs they should record it and sell it. I'm not sure but I think they rolled their eyes.

Just Monday I wrote that I wanted to get back to normal. Now I feel stunned again. Immobilized. But I know myself. I'll feel like crap for a few days and then I'll spring back. They can't keep a good Norwegian Lutheran down!

Happy summer solstice. Enjoy the longest day of the year. Remember that pleasure is a thing that also needs accomplishing.

two poems

poem

~ from “The Word,” by Tony Hoagland

Down near the bottom
of the crossed-out list
of things you have to do today,

between “green thread”
and “broccoli” you find
that you have penciled “sunlight.”

Resting on the page, the word
is as beautiful, it touches you
as if you had a friend

and sunlight were a present
he had sent you from some place distant
as this morning — to cheer you up,

and to remind you that,
among your duties, pleasure
is a thing,

that also needs accomplishing.


Bounty by Robyn Sarah

Make much of something small.
The pouring-out of tea,
a drying flower's shadow on the wall
from last week's sad bouquet.
A fact: it isn't summer any more.

Say that December sun
is pitiless, but crystalline
and strikes like a bell.
Say it plays colours like a glockenspiel.
It shows the dust as well,

the elemental sediment
your broom has missed,
and lights each grain of sugar spilled
upon the tabletop, beside
pistachio shells, peel of a clementine.

Slippers and morning papers on the floor,
and wafts of iron heat from rumbling radiators,
can this be all? No, look — here comes the cat,
with one ear inside out.
Make much of something small.

"Bounty" by Robyn Sarah, from A Day's Grace. © The Porcupine's Quill, 2002.

picking up the pieces

Herbs on the patio!

Garden art has consolidated itself into one spot.

Teresa and Gus enjoy an afternoon on the patio.

This is where we live in the summer.

I think I'm making some progress in my journey to the end of cancer treatment. I have an MRI today, I see the radiation oncologist Monday, and my main dude oncologist on Friday. He will outline the follow-up and long-term care plan for me.

Picking up the pieces means, for me, that I go back to doing normal things normally. Not sleeping all day but trying to be active and resume activities like exercise and cooking and cleaning and gardening.

I've done a little cooking in the past week and enjoyed it. Nothing too fancy...chipotle aioli, Mexican tabbouleh, banana bread. It was nice to be in the kitchen making something tasty, with the radio and a glass of wine.

I'm going to work in my garden for an hour this morning before I have to get ready for the trip to Waseca. Hosta planting, garden art distribution, weed management, and an extreme make-over for the corner that has gotten out of control.

Medical people are calling me this morning to report and remind. My insurance, for which I pay a ton of money, won't pay for one prescription so the doctor had to substitute another. My insurance company says it is too soon to fill the prescription for the burn cream until the 22nd. Apparently they have calculated just how much of that goop I should use per application and measured it out to last ten days. Or some shit.

Yesterday we met with our insurance agent/money manager to figure out the logistics of paying for medical insurance. There's a crack along side the head for you. I said on our way out the door that she is probably used to managing more money than we have. Haha! We were hoping Obamacare might help us out in this situation but now I read that the IRS scandal might mean there is no money for that. What the hell does one have to do with the other?

The bird report for Bruce. We've had a lot of young birds lately. Grackle babies and robin babies, mostly. Both are poop machines. They like to sit on the backs of our lawn chairs and dribble a streak down the cushions. Jeez. Learn some manners. Adult orioles are less apparent than a few weeks ago so they probably have a nest somewhere and they're shopping at the corner tree limb for bugs instead of scarfing grape jelly.

Our wedding anniversary is Saturday, the 22nd. We usually forget the date and I can never remember the year but this year, there is a comedy show that night so we're making it a celebration. It's a good fit. Our friend, Mike Callahan's irreverent comedy to celebrate our wedded bliss.

On to the day.

starting the week

I'm starting this week with my left front quadrant swathed in Silvadene, gauze pads, and my fishnet tank top. It's a hotter than the hubs of hell combination.

There are four things I wanted to do today and I have already finished three of them. These are not big projects, understand, and one of them was taking a shower. I like to keep my expectations low.

We had a very nice time yesterday but didn't take any pictures. It all just went so fast. We had three (make that four!) children here and they were good, but excitable and busy. The weather was beautiful, Tiffany and Amber took over in the kitchen, and we ended the day on the patio for a quiet drink at almost dusk. I love summer.

celebrating

Today is Father's Day. In honor of all the men in our families, and among our friends who are important male figures in their clans, we recognize it as Patriarch's Day. It's not just biological relationships that are important...it's all the uncles and brothers and friends, dads, and step dads.

I can't linger long here today because, as is typical of me, I have a ton of last-minute things to do.

I made banana bread this morning! An ordinary day kind of thing that I appreciate being able to accomplish. It's in the oven...I followed a recipe...it smells heavenly!

I'll be back at the end of the day to share photos and stories.

Friday morning medical update good grief

Yesterday I went to my last (God willing) radiation treatment. About a month ago, I had mixed feelings about leaving the safety and security of treatment but the past two weeks, I have been chomping at the bit, as horse people say. Here I am leaving the cancer center. I asked my radiation oncologist about the absence of balloons and a parade. He smirked.

So, after that. Here is where I spent two hours of the afternoon.

I have had horrific back pain this week. It isn't so bad during the day but it kept me from sleeping at night which after a few days, makes you feel psycho. The nurses and my oncologist want it resolved quickly because I'm scheduled to take an aromatase inhibitor and one of the side effects can be joint pain.

Aromatase inhibitors prevent your body from producing hormones which can stimulate tumor growth. I'll take something like Ameridex for 5-10 years.

I'll have one of these on Wednesday. Seems like we just can't go a week without a medical appointment. This one is in Waseca....road trip!

We cancelled our planned trip to see Mom this weekend. Between my back pain and my skin eruptions, I would be a somewhat miserable traveler. Besides, I can't wear the usual lady's undergarment and I don't want to be flopping around my hometown like a trollop.

I'm trying to invent a method for holding dressings on the burns and skin eruptions. Tube sock, maybe?

Nancy, this week I'm going to start delving into the book you gave me...the one about getting your life back after cancer treatment. I'm going to write a post on angels who walk among us again, but you were one!

Moving on this morning. Maybe more later.

end of radiation

Last time I have to go through this door for treatment!

sigh...again

Remember how I felt so good and so normal for the last week? Remember the list of things to do that actually got done? Well, that all lasted until Monday when a backache and hip pain going down my legs reminded me of what's gone on the last months. Bang. Enough euphoria...back to earth.

At first I thought I had just overdone it for a few days. Cleaning drawers, after all! But it's persisted and it makes it nearly impossible to sleep, especially on my side.

I did some reading this morning on the Interwebs (dangerous) and it's a common topic on cancer blogs and forums. Shit. Damn. Hell. I was happier when I thought it was from cleaning drawers.

I'm going to ask about it at the cancer center today. One of my major thinking errors was believing that this would all end the day I walked out of there for the last time. Seems the chemo and radiation effects linger for a long time. Sigh.

And, by the way, I won't be walking out of there for the last time for a long time. They will follow me for ten years...maybe fifteen.

If it weren't about the 85th day in a row, the rain and thunder this morning would be pleasant. I did all my planting yesterday so the little begonias and impatiens will be happy to get a real drink. I have been known to buy plants and then let them sit unattended to until they croak from benign neglect. Getting them into the dirt the same day I bought them is some kind of record for me.

We're having some neighbors over tonight. I had thought I would tidy up the house and make it looks like someone else lives here but now that I can hardly bend over, I have to abandon that agenda. I guess they'll just see me as I am. Box of books under the table? Yes, that's where it lives. Laundry basket in the living room? Yes, it can sit there.

I had crossed my fingers that the weather would be pleasant and we could be on the patio and people could go to their own homes to use the bathroom. No such luck.

I have two friends who are coming to help me today and Regis is a big help so all will be fine. Anybody who complains about the ambiance can take their paper plates of potato chips and Saltines and go home.

I think I'll post sticky notes on doors and windows. Don't go in here. Don't look out this window. Don't go in the porch. Enter at your own risk. Haha. That would be funny.

tuesday

A couple of winters ago, I posted pictures of the garden bunny as he was covered with snow. A couple times, even his ears didn't poke out of the snow and he's about two feet tall. My friend, Mo, in New Orleans and her husband, Cliff, got quite a kick out of the bunny and all the snow. They requested a new picture of the bunny in his summer surroundings. He looks better in chives than all that snow!

There's a long story about this little item (about 4 inches wide to start) but it involves radiation and skin eruptions so I won't tell the whole thing. My doc prescribed some antibiotic cream and the nurse gave me this to keep the dressings on. She said to put my head through the top and my arms through the tiny holes. It worked and looks like a fishnet tank top. Not to be worn in public by itself, believe me.

Turns out, after wearing this fashion statement for 24 hours, it helps some issues and aggravates others. The next few weeks could be rough, dermatologically speaking.

Regis took this picture of Ella and Alex at Whiskey River after our bird identification adventure. We had a great time and they did a great job finding the birds. We saw grosbeaks, finches, hummingbirds, orioles, cardinals, and a flock of wild turkeys.

Our neighbor, the lawn warrior has purchased for himself a new weed whacker. This thing could whack weeds in the jungle...way more than a guy needs to whack lawn grass. It sounds like a damn jet ski which is such a pleasant thing in a residential neighborhood where people are trying to enjoy some time outside in the evening.

With our wet and cool spring, the lilacs have been magnificent. These grow on the side of our house but I could smell them sitting on the patio. Ah, life is good.

monday morning

Regis is very entertaining. He woke me in the middle of the noise making a thunderous honking noise, then said, "Try...again", in a loud, robotic voice. He doesn't remember the dream.

I only have dreams occasionally and usually don't remember them since they take the form of gray, amorphous blobs that chase me. Anxiety dreams. Regis dreams intricate, Stephen King-like plots that include kindergarten classmates with complete names. I don't remember kindergarten classmates in my conscious moments.

I did enough things yesterday to cross them off a list and I made some written-down plans for the week. This is amazing progress since a few weeks ago, if I went to the store for three things, I forgot two of them.

I'm not into lists of things to do so much lately, having read the zen blog, but I figured a list would help me remember what I wanted to do and would make me feel a sense of productivity when I could cross things out. It did both of those things. I was quite proud of my clean desk-top.

We're meeting Miss Ella and Alex (and Bob) at Whiskey River for lunch today. We bought Ella and Alex the Minnesota bird guide and Regis wants to teach them how to use it. It's organized by bird color so I think they can manage it. They showed an interest in ours last time they were here, but being 4 and 7, you never know. It could have been a passing fancy.

I picked a book off the shelf this morning, Inheriting the Land: Contemporary Voices from the Midwest (Mark Vinz and Thom Tammaro, editors). I remember buying it about twenty years ago at a conference on Midwest writers in Marshall, organized by Bill Holm. It was my introduction to "local" writers and it was a dawning of consciousness. Real poets and writers lived in my midst.

This is amazing and pitiful considering I was an English major in college. One of my professors was a poet and I don't recall him ever mentioning his own writing, only dead British writers whose books I could not stomach. (Being an English major almost killed my love of reading.) I discovered his books in a bookstore later and was amazed that a man I had seen in the flesh had published books of poems.

The book's pages are well-worn, written on, flagged, and much loved. I'm glad I stumbled upon it.

This is my last week of radiation treatments and I have survived. My skin is a bit messed up but honestly, better than last week, I think. More musings on this as the week goes along. End of treatment. Dealing with life as it moves on from cancer. Letting go of the fears. Getting back to normal.

update

I had these things on my list of things to do today.

• Makes scones- done
• Change bedding- in process
• Make walleye for dinner 
• Invite kids for Patriarch's Day- done
• Print insurance paperwork
• Plant impatiens 
• Think about agenda for the week

That doesn't look very good, so far, but I have done some other things. I cleaned off my desk area. I have two boxes of donation stuff, a giant bag of trash, and a bare desktop. Hurray for me!

Symbolic of an attempt to gather my marbles after my past eight months of debilitation, is the fact that the calendar over my desk is now on June instead of January.

Also cleaned out the little red cabinet by the front door. I'm taking a break because in my usual fashion, I'm tired now and will start to do a half-assed job.

watching myself walk and talk

After two hours of sleep on Friday night and my inability to nap yesterday, Regis and I went for an early dinner to Patrick's. We cruised around town for a while first to check out the Blues Fest action but I was too cold and dopey to attend.

I had a couple glasses of wine with dinner and with that little sleep, wine's pretty much like anesthesia. Count backwards from ten...it was a weird experience...like I could see and hear myself blabbing uncontrolled but there was not much of a connection between my brain and my mouth. Good thing I had a caretaker. The good news is that I slept well last night.

My mom, brother Pat and SIL Helen, and cousin Deb all traveled to Ephrata, Washington to help many more cousins celebrate my Auntie Jean's 90th birthday today. It looks like a grand party and even though I don't like to travel, this would have been fun.

Happy birthday, Auntie Jean!

I said in my post yesterday that maybe I had the brain cells to follow a recipe now. The first thing I am going to try is the scones Betty gave me. All I have to do is add water to the mix and bake them so I should be able to handle that. (They were easy and delicious!)

Cold and rainy again today. What a surprise. Yesterday, I thought I saw a snow flake. I think it was a piece of dust but I would not have been surprised. My friend, Sharon, has a pool that's been open and ready for a month but she has yet to even wet her toes in it. Our summers are so short, we grieve the loss of one day!

Our lawn needs cutting badly but it's been hard this past week when it's not raining, the grass is dry enough, and we have the gumption to do it. It takes a major confluence of the forces in the universe.

Here's my list of things to do today:

• Makes scones (Thanks, Betty!)
• Change bedding
• Make walleye for dinner (Thanks, Bob and Richie!)
• Invite kids for Patriarch's Day
• Print insurance paperwork
• Plant impatiens (Thanks, Richie!)
• Think about agenda for the week

I'll write more later. I feel some obligation now to update my list of things to do.

wicked bad sleep

I went to bed at a reasonable hour and tried many, many times between then and 4 a.m. to go to sleep, to no avail. I should have just gotten out of bed but you know how it is, sleep is right there tugging at your eyelids and then bang, you're awake again. Shit.

There were no gray faced men marching around the bed this time. Just a general restless feeling.

I think I slept from 4 until 6. I'm up now, drinking coffee, stirring the steel cut oats, letting Gus out, and waiting for the sun to shine. I saw vague shadows for about ten minutes but now the elusive sun has winked out again.

There is a pair of woodpeckers who are so devoted to the peanut feeders in the garden that they look like permanent attachments. Peanuts and grape jelly have been popular at the bird cafeteria this year. There is a drop of grape jelly on my picture window that I keep thinking is a red bird in a tree. Oh, no. Jelly. Knowing me, it will be there for a long time.

I once had a mulberry bird poop stain on a curtain on the porch. I left it there forever because I wondered how that happened. Bird coming flying very close to the window screen in a high wind? You can see why this fascinated me.

Well, that's in for my Saturday morning observations. I think someone sprinkled sand in my eyes.

Me, pitching a fit.

what does it all mean?

My brain has been spun to shit in the last eight months. Here is a list of random observations from this week.

• I have felt normal in the last two days, and even started gathering and sorting some things. The basket is full of paperwork I have gathered from various places around the house that have collected during my period of debilitation. Scary to behold.
• I told Regis I might even be able to follow a recipe now. 
• I have spent about twelve hours in medical facilities this week for a variety of reasons, not all my own. I get into elevators now and have a blank moment where I wonder where I am and for what purpose.
• When I say normal, I mean no headache, no feeling of dizzy and rootless, no completely numb brain. Chemo vets: Could this mean that that shit is finally moving out of my system? 
• I read that the brain fog could last for two years but by then I could be in the target range of dementia so how will I know?
• My daughter and my grandson are compulsively clean. They did not get this from me. 
• While waiting at the hospital today, Tiffany offered to help organize our house, but she has no idea what a job that will be. I said she could give me weekly assignments.
• Young Regis and Old Regis have spent all day (8:00 to 4:30, so far.) trying to fix or replace a kitchen faucet which begs the question: Where is the line where DIY does not pay? 
• Of course, you get in half-way and then it's too late. It's an investment. Besides, I like a man with a wrench in his hand. I do appreciate their hard work.
• I hate going in those man malls like Men R Nerds and Lows-Down and Dirty so it is a good thing I didn't have to be a part of this adventure except for sitting in the chair with a glass of wine, providing commentary. It's what I do best.
• There is a pair of grackles monopolizing the bird feeders this week. They are raising two babies. Normally, I loathe grackles but I do admire their devotion to their babies. Looks like a mama and a daddy feeding them. Or two mommies, two daddies, or two aunties.
• We are in the process of straightening out some insurance/annuity/401K stuff for our retirement. It my absolute worst nightmare so my emails to the professionals who will help us with this contain lots of "haha!" and "..." and "I suck at this". I don't think there is any other way to do it.
• My mom doesn't think there is a need to cuss. She chides me gently to find other vocabulary but I am of Mike's opinion that the persistent withholding of cuss words does some bad shit in your brain. He says it's like a cork in there and the pressure builds up and up until POW!!! Use of cuss words in appropriate settings allows that steam to be released slowly. I love you, Mom!
• Here is a link to my friend, Mike's comedy show on the 22nd of June in the SP area. We have always had a great time and if you love live comedy, this will be a major event. 

snow angel at 12,000 feet and other observations

Katie made a snow angel in the Rocky Mountains! 12,000 feet!

She gets the altitude award for snow angels, I'd say. I loved all the snow angels. I hope I got all of them published. I told my brother, Bruce, yesterday that I have too many ways for information to get into my head. Sometimes I look at an email on my phone in the car and by the time I have landed, it has flitted out of my head.

Miss Darby with her blue heron doppelganger, Duke of Earl.

I went out to fill the bird feeders early this morning (Were you watching, Dad?) and it feels like we're on the shores of Lake of the Woods where the ice is barely off the water. It's beautiful, though...everything is so green and lush. Sharon said we are living in the Emerald City.

There is an absolute chorus of orioles in the yard this morning. We should be more like birds. No matter what the weather or the circumstances, they just go on with their singing, their bird seed eating, and their flitting about the yards.

One oriole has been singing in the neighbor's maple tree for more than an hour...non-stop.

I'm so glad my parents taught me an appreciation for birds and nature. I told Mom yesterday, that no matter how many times we see an oriole or a cardinal or a rose breasted grosbeak at our feeder, we point and go "ahhh...look!".

I have been reading a tiny bit about the finance man behind Tom Petters who is currently on trial for fraud. I seriously don't get it. He's like an alien life form or a character from a Carl Hiaasen novel. Here's a link to the whole mess if you're curious. At least check out the photos and the character descriptions. The guy's suit and tie are what got my attention. Where do you buy clothes like that? At the store for shysters?

Regarding Carl Hiaasen, I have been reading his books like a mad woman and now Regis is interested. Carl has a very cynical view of the government and its role in the preservation of the environment, particularly in Florida, but his books are laugh-out-loud funny. And probably enough truth to be frightening.

Don't you love that I call him Carl, like I know him? I did put the link and a comment on Facebook, alerting him to the story. I'm sure he will appreciate the tip.

I better get moving. Yesterday, with all our running around, I ate crap. It's a shame that medical facilities serve food like they do and I won't even go into the Egg McMuffin I had at McDonald's. Well, maybe I will. That only served as sustenance and not good sustenance at that. Ack, as Bill the Cat says.

what the hell, as they say

Here's today's update as of 4 pm. Remember the title of the blog is spellbound by our own imperfect lives. So, if you aren't as captivated by my observations as I am, here's your chance to bail.

We went to see Dr. K at the Daniel's Clinic this morning. Poor Regis was wretchedly ill. It was painful to watch him. He felt so awful, I think he was glad to be driven to the clinic.

Dr. K sent him to Mankato for IV fluids and zolfran, an anti-nausea drug.

I had already changed my radiation RX to 1:00 so that worked out fine.

The infusion therapy center which I like to call the inversion therapy center...

is not nearly (not even close) as nice as the Andreas Center so if you have a choice, now you know what to pick. Chemo would have been an entirely different experience if I had gone to this place. Not mentioning any names.

And by the way, consider the symptoms of the stomach flu and think about why inversion therapy would be a very, very bad thing. Haha...laughing out loud at my own joke.

I was really feeling like poor, poor pitiful me when we stopped at the clinic. Remember, it's me who is tired of medical appointments. Then I walked around the big building in the beautiful sunshine, stepped up to smell the new growth on the evergreens, and started to laugh. What the hell, as they say.

Having a glass of wine and listening to my lawn warrior neighbor mow his lawn again.

a random list

1. I was in a slump last week. End of the ninth inning with two outs or something like that. I'm not good at sports metaphors.
2. I am better this week. Yesterday, I stopped at Mary's Flowers (Where fun and flowers meet!), drove myself to radiation, went to the grocery store, went to Swedish Kontur for some of those fine dish cloths, and went to the PO. I like to call it the PO because the short story by Eudora Welty, Why I Live at the PO, is one of my favorites. Dawn helped me figure out which boxes I needed.
3. Regis has been sick with some wretched stomach virus. He blamed it on the Mexican food we had "out" on Monday but I don't think that's it. I am dragging him to the doctor today The left-overs from that meal are still in the refrigerator, unclaimed. Norovirus = bad shit.
4. I have had to be responsible for Gus with Regis sick. There is good/bad in that. 
5. We had planned to have a party to welcome our new neighbors to the hood. They came in November but went to India for a month, then we were all busy with the holidays, winter, cancer, and shit like that. Anyway, the party was supposed to be tonight and in my usual procrastination mode, I didn't get the last invites issued until last night. Now, with Regis sick, I have to undo it all. Crap.
6.  Elliot has to have some dental/medical work done on Friday at 8:30 in Same Day Surgery. I told Tiffany I would meet her there and then just go to my radiation appointment. I've been there so much in the last year, it feels like a second home.
7. My mom leaves on her big adventure tomorrow. Her sister, Jean is turning 90 on Sunday. The trip involves a drive to Sioux Falls, a flight to Denver, another flight to Seattle, and a two-hour drive to eastern Washington. I'm sure I have written about this before because I am in awe of people who can accomplish trips like this.
8. I told my cousin, a world traveler, about an older fellow I know who didn't want to take a plane trip but was encouraged by his family and finally went to the airport where he promptly fell down and had to be taken away by ambulance. Deb said if I ever try that, she'll know it's a ploy to avoid a trip and she'll just yell at me, "Teresa, get up off the ground! We're going!" I should have kept my mouth shut.
9. I have been playing Scrabble on my iPad. I just want to do it myself but the only options are to play against a player online or to play the computer. I know that damn thing cheats. I get three I's, a U, and a bunch of other crap. The computer makes words like admonish and adze. Damn it. I paid five dollars for that stupid game.
10. More later...

trying to get my shit in one seabag

I haven't written in a few days again. No particular reason, in fact, I was surprised it had been so long. Maybe not much is going on, maybe I don't take the time to observe, maybe I'm tired of and tired from this long haul of treatment.

I keep meaning to get back on my horse but it doesn't seem to happen. Every day I think I will do something...go for a walk, do some shopping, make some bars, clean off my desk...and every day slips by and I don't do it.

I whined when I saw the medical folks yesterday. My skin hurts in the places where they shoot the laser beams. There are four spots that are red and bumpy. They sympathized and gave me a bag of sample lotion as a parting gift.

I have seven treatments to go. Six after today. Every day I am so tempted to send Gus in my place. I have just about run out of patience with this whole ball of wax.

I sit and play endless games on my iPad. Endless games of Word Solitaire, Solitaire, and Mah Jongg. In the middle of the night, I made a word worth 168 points. I can't remember what it was but I was tempted to wake Regis to show him.

I haven't planted any flowers yet but I did drag my pots to the patio. That's a start. Yesterday, I raked and hoed a little bit before Jill picked me up for radiation. We had a good visit and breakfast at Guenther's.

Whiney, whiney, whiney me. I checked the spelling and it can go either way...whiney or whiny. Good to have alternate spellings for a word I use so much.

Gus got his summer haircut yesterday and he's looking dapper but poodley. Long hair is just too hard to take care of when he's running in the dirt every day. Terry always writes a note on the slip...Gus was a very good boy. He also has an ear infection.

I don't know why this is a lesson I have to keep learning. Once I start writing my whining down, it doesn't seem so bad. I'm back from the edge of the abyss. Ah....