blue moon

Regis woke me up in the middle of the night when the blue moon was right outside our bedroom window. He held the curtains open so I could see it. It looks like most other full moons but it doesn't happen very often and you know how I like a happening.

Regis is sleeping in this morning (probably because he was awake in the middle of the night spotting the moon) so I'm up alone to man the coffee pot and radio. It's a job I can handle.

We had another good summer meal last night. Tiffany and Eric and Elliot came over for steak, sweet corn, cantaloupe, and habanero pickles. Elliot wanted in the worst way to walk to the DQ but it was getting late. We walked there once and that's stuck in his little four-year old memory as: We always walk to the DQ!

Here's another beautiful butterfly shot from the collection. If you view it in Picassa and zoom in, you can see the little individual hairs on his wings.

My cousin in Florida, Christine, sent this beautiful photo. Once in a while we see these swallowtail butterflies here but you have to be in the right place at the right time. Butterflies...so pretty and so fragile.

Colourful Life by Davinsky

I found this picture on Reddit so of course, it comes with no explanation. I don't know where this is or how the umbrellas are suspended but I thought it was a great photo.

I had to move one of my all-time favorite plants, a Blue Giant veronica. It gets about 4 feet tall and likes sun, which we have very little of. I dug it up on a cool day and now I have to plant it when it's almost a hundred degrees. Ugh.

Well, I hear Regis and Gus stirring so I better wrap it up here and get moving. I'm changing sheets today, buying a few groceries, getting the veronica in the ground, and a few other things that have flitted out of my memory. Living my ordinary life in extraordinary ways.

Gratitude

Gratitude by Barbara Crooker

This week, the news of the world is bleak, another war

grinding on, and all these friends down with cancer,

or worse, a little something long term that they won’t die of

for twenty or thirty miserable years—

And here I live in a house of weathered brick, where a man

with silver hair still thinks I’m beautiful. How many times

have I forgotten to give thanks? The late day sun shines

through the pink wisteria with its green and white leaves

as if it were stained glass, there’s an old cherry tree

that one lucky Sunday bloomed with a rainbow:

cardinals, orioles, goldfinches, blue jays, indigo buntings,

and my garden has tiny lettuces just coming up,

so perfect they could make you cry: Green Towers,

Red Sails, Oak Leaf. For this is May, and the whole world

sings, gleams, as if it were basted in butter, and the air’s

sweet enough to send a diabetic into shock—

And at least today, all the parts of my body are working,

the sky’s clear as a china bowl, leaves murmur their leafy chatter,

finches percolate along. I’m doodling around this page,

know sorrow’s somewhere beyond the horizon, but still, I’m riffing

on the warm air, the wingbeats of my lungs that can take this all in,

flush the heart’s red peony, then send it back without effort or thought.

And the trees breathe in what we exhale, clap their green hands

in gratitude, bend to the sky.

From Line Dance (Word Press, 2008).

tuesday

It's been an amazing week. I've done a lot of work with my therapist, Mary. I believe in signs and she came into my life at just the right moment. There were many signs...the ginko leaf, her daughters, the bessel interview, the St. Teresa prayer that I found on the boulevard.

Yesterday, I found this. On Facebook, which is not quite like finding something on the boulevard but close. It has meaning for me.

Regis drove me to my appointment with Mary yesterday and when we got out of the car, this gorgeous butterfly was on the Joe Pye weed. Regis took a picture with his phone because we weren't sure it would stay long enough for anything else. He would flit around a bit, then land again. I unlocked the door, got the real camera, and Regis took about 90 shots. The rest of them are here if you want to see them. The detail is incredible. Another sign, right?

I wrote yesterday about Karen slugging rats in the gutter. We have laughed about that expression. Similar to one of my old favorites: It ain't all silver saddles and Sunday parades. Last night we lit candles in the garden for Karen. The big angel in the corner is my newest yard art. She has a bowl in her hands and a bird perched on her arm. Kemmie and Joanne came over when they saw us on the patio so we shared a glass of wine and watched the flickering candle light.

I bought this set of rune stones from a woman in Oregon, Morrigan's Mantel Six Nations Witchery. They're called Elder Futhark runes and are used as a devination guide for the pathways of your life's journey. I slept with them under my pillow for a week to "tune" them. This morning, I pulled one from the bag and it was the strength rune. And no, I have not taken leave of my senses.

Mom sent this picture of her new garden. It's a memorial to people she has loved and lost. I think it's just beautiful. A garden is good for your soul.

Thursday I have my first oncology follow-up appointments. Mammogram and bloodwork in the morning, research nurse and doctor in the afternoon. I have no sense of dread or anxiety about it as they are all such nice people and I always feel so nurtured when I am there.

Hotter than hades today so I might just hang in the house and keep cool. Going out to water plants now.

garden and stuff

Garden: August 2013

My garden has been a mess for about five years for several reasons, none of which matter now, but I was determined to do better this year. I had connected my cancer treatments with gardening, so came out of that raring to go. I bet we have hauled ten giant bags of crap out of there. All the hostas have been transplanted into shady spots and the things that need more sun have been moved to sunny corners. I'm so proud of it.

Ella and I went to the Govenaires Drum Corps Expo last night. It was a beautiful summer evening...pink and purple sky, almost full moon, fresh breeze, and popcorn. The music was great, too. The Govies put on a good show. Ella bought a mini-flag and was anxious to start twirling it when she got home, but I cautioned her about whacking her father in the head. I said that would not bode well for the future of her flag.

I am amazed that somebody can come up with a concept like Chasing Hollywood, then put it all together with music, movement, and color guard action. I must be an artistic thing that is beyond my comprehension. Like math.

It's been a good news/bad news kind of week. April got a job with the Mankato Schools, Peter got a great raise, but my friend Karen got news of the not-so-good fucking cancer variety in her pathology report after her hysterectomy. Bless her heart. Sometimes I wonder how people manage to put one foot in front of the other. Karen calls it slugging rats in the gutter and she's got some big ass rats to slug in her future. Sending light and love from Minnesota, Karen.

After scooping dirt all day yesterday and then sitting on a hard metal bench for almost three hours, I had a surprise when I stood up. Creak and groan! Holy crap. I was worried for a minute but all was well and I was able to walk out of the stadium normally.

This falls into the category of what-will-they-think-of-next? And WTF. It's called a pooch purse. Maybe movie stars think it's cool but you'd get laughed off the street in Minnesota (and maybe arrested) if you subjected your dog to this. The dog doesn't look too enthralled about being hauled around hanging from this woman's hinder. Thanks, Deb, for sending it. It was a good laugh.

We have a busy week with appointments, dinner dates, and my oncology follow-up appointments all day Thursday. Gus will go to the Paw for the day and we'll have a respite mid-day for lunch. It should be a good week.

checkerboard lawn

Our neighbor who drives us insane with his incessant gas-powered lawn machines spent hours the other day cutting a checkerboard pattern in his grass. He should really live in the suburbs because nobody on our block, hell not even our whole street, cares this much about lawns. There is a house on the next block that I swear has not had the grass cut all summer. What the heck, the rabbits love it.

Yesterday morning we went to buy groceries for our dinner. The grocery store is a highly stimulating experience at 10 o'clock in the morning. This is why we prefer the pre-dawn hours for shopping. We had a little breakfast and coffee, visited the friendly meat department, and got the hell out of there.

We had kids around for dinner. Regis cooked steaks to perfection. We had great sweet corn on the grill, baked potatoes, melon from Marie's garden, and pickles from the farmer's market. Ella gave me a hand and foot massage on the patio later and we enjoyed the summer evening.

Every time I hear music outside, I think it's the trolley coming. I wish that were a regular feature of life on my street. A horse-drawn trolley coming by every day. That would be something.

I've discovered that I am a social media minimalist. I like my block, I use Facebook, and even occasionally look at Twitter. What I don't get is all the @s and #s. If a post has more than one of either of them, I move on to something else.

I found a blog (and of course they have a FB and Twitter presence, too.) called Tech for Luddites. It explained what hashtags are but I still think it's goofy. It's a way to create communities so today I'm going to write a tweet about #extremelawnmowing and see what happens.

I'm getting left behind. I'm my dad when he was confronted with a digital clock. Just say no to hashtags.

I don't really have much of a plan for the day. Ella and I might go see the Govenaire's drum corps show tonight. I might work in the garden and transplant a few more hostas. I might take a nap and read a book. All of it sounds good.

the olympics of paper sorting

Remember that giant basket of paper I had collected over the fall and winter? I finally went through it today. Ta da! The dread of it was not nearly as bad as the actual task which is true most of the time with other dreaded tasks like cleaning out the refrigerator.

I also filled out a survey on my medical care (extensive!)and applied for a lifetime teaching sub license. It was a complicated process that included contacting TRA and MDE and the filling out of multiple forms. I'm not sure where this will go but I think it's a sign of improved mental health that I got this far.

I went out the garden in the afternoon, intending to just putter. I ended up digging out three giant hostas and transplanting all the pieces into the front garden. That's a lot of bending and digging. I pulled a chair onto the driveway so I could take periodic breaks and look these over because I am a random gardener and think that having a plan ruins the zen beauty of it. Regis said he would take some pictures this weekend.

I'm sitting in my leopard chair drinking a cup of wonderful Ethiopian coffee and writing my way into the day. We listened to two hours of Elvis on Shufflefunction but when Karen came on at 9 and played Great Balls of Fire, I had to turn the music off.

I'll finish this coffee then I have to prepare Gus's bath. He is at the dog park and Regis called to warn me that the grass was wet and he was muddy. He runs right into the tub but it's easier if the rug is down and the tub has water in it. He's a good dog.

Looking forward to a happy Friday and a nice weekend. So good to feel better.

yes, that is gray formica

Yes, we have gray Formica, probably from the 60s on our kitchen counter tops but we don't care. Sigh. I have lost interest in home decorating. It's just not within my capability circle anymore.

After that admission (confession?) I can now brag about this lovely little appetizer I made on Sunday. Tiny tomatoes from the farmer's market, basil from the patio, fresh mozzarella, and balsamic vinegar with olive oil. So good and so pretty in the white dish.

I slept fitfully and not much last night, then slept hard from 4-7 with weird dreams about a chaotic work environment where people were taking baths and the stairs were like escalators but after you went up one step, the one behind you disappeared. The theme seemed to be that the people doing the construction were incompetent. Things were falling apart all over the place.

Regis has taken over our financial business. Thank God. My brain could just not wrangle with it anymore. I don't know why it was such a pain because most of it happened automatically, but it was a pain and I am glad to be rid of it.

My brain seems to banging around more than usual this morning so I will take my leave and go to the garden.

cha-cha

I've been doing this dance for a long time. Trying to recover from some wounds, psychic and physical. I loved seeing this today. I'm going to visualize my backwards steps as part of a dance, not a disaster. It's a lapse, not a collapse and the urge to move forward is a reason to be optimistic. It's what Bessel van der Kolk calls the life force.

Jane called me yesterday to remind me that 36 years ago, we almost went to Elvis's funeral in Memphis. We were living in Cedar Rapids, Iowa so it wouldn't have been such a long drive and would for sure have been a lark. Then we heard how many people were expected and motel rooms were so hard to find we would probably have to stay in a different state (or sleep in the car) so we decided to skip it. It's been a good story over the years...a thing we almost did.

I wasn't even an Elvis fan, just always up for a happening. Did you know you can put "pictures of Elvis after death" into google and see him in his casket? No, thanks. He didn't look so good as he was circling the drain, as I remember.

I think I might go out and transplant some hostas this morning. I love the weather this summer and feel like I want to be out in it as much as possible because, as you've noticed, the days are getting shorter. The cold and dark winter is coming...not a very optimistic thought.

I'm going for a walk and then into the garden for a while. Beautiful day!

monday

It rained again during the night. Good for my hosta garden. Also good for gnats and mosquitoes.

Most of the hostas in this part of my garden are new. It's hard to know since I am not a professional, how far apart to plant them. Right now they look sparse, but next year, they will explode out of the ground and fill the space.

We had a lovely day, mostly on the patio. Ella came about 3 and we wandered down to the fair to see what was happening. A lot of packing up and moving on is what was happening. Nice to see Linda, Robert and Roxie, Connie, and Annie. I went to the fair three times this year...that's a record. The cooler temperatures made that possible.

Yeah, that pepper experiment worked. I cut a slit in the peppers, emptied out some/most of the seeds, stuffed them, wrapped a few in bacon and Regis grilled them. Fire in the mouth! These peppers had soul!

I got not so good news from my NJ friend, Karen, in the middle of the night. She sent an email saying her cancer was more aggressive than they first thought so she is waiting for pathology reports before planning the next step. The universe gets a big kick in the ass for visiting more shit on Karen. If you are a praying person, keep her in your prayers. If you aren't, keep her in your poems and songs, which are almost the same thing.

That's all I got this morning, friends.

are we taking the soul out of peppers?

Regis and I have been experimenting with peppers on the grill for a couple years. We started with a recipe for stuffed jalapenos and have gotten more experimental as time goes by. For one thing, it was a bear getting the seeds out of jalapenos and then figuring out a satisfactory way to keep them upright during grilling.

We discovered poblano peppers and started to slice them open and lay the stuff inside. That worked so we tried it with Annaheim peppers and banana peppers.

Taking the seeds out is the tricky part. If you leave too many, they taste like fire. If there aren't enough, they don't have much flavor. Regis said we might be taking the soul out of them by being so meticulous in the cleaning.

So, we'll try again tonight.

trolley ride and weddings

There was some kind of mix-up with the amusement company so there are no rides or games of chance at the county fair. There is, however, this lovely trolley pulled by these horses and for five dollars you can ride around town for about 30 minutes. I sat on my front step and waited for it to come by and when they stopped, I leaped aboard. So much fun. I might do it again today.

It is a big week for weddings. Regis did an impromptu wedding for a young man who is in the Navy. They got a judge to waive the waiting period and the wedding was lovely.

Today, another outdoor wedding. We feel honored to be a part of so many of these wonderful and happy days.

I went to the farmer's market and the coop this morning on the hunt for poblano peppers. No such luck but I did find some nice jalapenos and a couple other hot varieties that will be tasty. Also some jam made by my friend, Annie, a jar of habanero dill pickles, and some pickled beets.

My goals for the day are these: plant the hostas, prepare the peppers so they are ready for the grill as soon as we get home, and maybe take a brief nap. It will be a good day.

no pics...just blabbin'

I went for a walk yesterday with a friend who is suffering. We went on the peaceful path at the edge of town...corn fields and wheat fields and woods. It was nice to walk and talk and breathe deeply.

I gave her a tiny ginko leaf, a glass star, and a little talisman about miracles to keep in her pocket. Those things help, you know.

Another friend came for a glass of wine on the patio late in the afternoon. It was good to see her after a long time and even to talk about school which is a subject I have avoided like the plague for several years. We laughed and talked and resolved to get together more often.

I'm having lunch tomorrow with a long-time friend. I'm walking there and she is riding her bike. We'll talk about books and movies and friends in common. It will be relaxing.

I called two friends and invited them for wine on the patio on Friday afternoon. It's been a long time since I've seen them, too.

It's nice to be reconnecting with people. I feel like I've been in a hobbit hole for months.

Regis and I are doing what we always do in the morning...drinking coffee, petting Gus, looking out the window, making a plan for the day.

We're going to Mankato about noon and Gus will ride along. Regis says he is quite the chick magnet. He hangs his head out the window and women come to pet him and comment on how cute he is. Gus, not Regis. Although if Regis were hanging his head out the window, I would stop and scratch behind his ears.

The county fair starts today. Since it's only a block or two away, we usually walk down and cruise around to see the sights. I like to go in the 4H building and the exhibit building. We like to stop in the Jaycees beer garden (although calling that pole shed a garden is a huge stretch) and we try to find something to eat. We like to get home before the big events happen...the talent show, the tractor pull, and the buggy races. It's like the 4th of July parade, you wonder where in the hell these people come from.

I was going to take a walk this morning but I don't see it happening. I'm on my second cup of coffee and I feel like making some eggs. Time for a walk this afternoon.

Tom and Betty made these pretty drinks on Monday night to celebrate Kathy and Harvey's anniversary. Lemon ice and champagne. Beautiful!

rest o' the weekend

Sometimes I snap photos with my camera and then forget about them until I look at Facebook. It's amazing. 

Elliot spent the night with us Friday. He's an active bundle of four-year-old energy but we managed to keep him busy. He played in the pool, we went for a walk, we had his cousins over to play. We finally went to bed and read books and he went to sleep.

In the morning, I thought it would be a treat to have pancakes. When his mama and his uncle were little the thought it was cool that I could make Mickey Mouse pancakes. Elliot liked them but then requested Bob the Builder and Thomas the Tank Engine. Whoa. I couldn't manage that.

I did manage to crank out Elliot in pancake letters. He thought that was pretty cool. Hurray, Nana!

He enjoyed the pancakes. After he got dressed, he wanted to take a picnic lunch to the park because that's what we always do. So, even though he had just finished breakfast, we made a little lunch and took it in a brown paper bag to the park.

 The infamous picnic lunch. Since he had just eaten, I'm pretty sure he liked the idea of lunch more than the actual thing. Not much was eaten but it's a memory.

I went for a long walk yesterday morning and found this beautiful spot at the co-op. Serenity.

 

Peter, April, and Zoey came for dinner yesterday. They came about 2 o'clock so we had lots of time to visit. We hired Ella to come and help entertain Zoey which worked out splendidly. They played with sidewalk chalk, went for walks with the stroller (just in front of the house!), and chased with Gus.

Of course, we didn't get a picture of the kids but we did get a picture of April and Gus.

Regis made a most delicious dinner. Two racks of ribs and local sweet corn on the grill. I made a Caprese salad with balsamic dressing and basil from my herb garden. Ella and Zoey liked it, too. After dinner, we went back out to the grill and made smores. It was a perfect summer Sunday.

Well, on to Monday. Remember to put "have fun" on your list of things to do.

weekend in pictures

I have resolved to stop talking about any lingering medical issues but the aromatase inhibitor makes my hips and knees sore...unless I walk. A lot. Thursday, I took Gus for a long walk on Nicollet Avenue. We parked on the end by Highway 15 and walked down to Broadway. At least I think that was the street. It was about 2.5 miles.

We didn't hurry although Gus would have liked a trot better than the amble we did. He stopped to smell things and look at things and seemed to enjoy himself. Here's my shadow.

I saw this little clump of grass that I remember calling snake grass when I was a kid. Each blade comes apart in sections like bamboo. I googled it and it has many names but the most common seems to be horsetail.  

A young oak tree with hairy little acorns. Funny to think that a hundred years from now, these could be giant trees that shade the street.

This corn field was beautiful. The corn has tassels and cobs and my friend, Pam, whose field I think this is, tells me it's ready to harvest. It made the most amazing rustling sound as we walked past.

Gus found something interesting to sniff every time we stopped. Regis left to go to the Viking's camp before we left to go for our walk so he was distressed. Then I started to get ready to go and he was sure (in his little doggy mind) that he was going to left alone. But...when he saw the poop bags go in my purse, he was right at the door.

I should have burst into song....Oh, beautiful for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain! This was a song-inducing walk, as you can see. Oh, and we heard peacocks and a rooster crowing. Must be a little farm up there in the woods somewhere.

Tom and Young Regis at the football place in Mankato, not the UK. I don't know what a British phone booth is doing in Mankato at a Viking's training camp, but what the hell. It was a good photo op. Regis said the authorities in the stands were actively discouraging (by yelling at people) the taking of videos. I laughed out loud. Seriously. Who cares?

As you know, I used to love wigs. Well, for the last five years, I loved wigs. When I lost my hair, which seems like the logical time to wear a wig, I couldn't stand the feel of it on my head. A few weeks ago, I decided I wanted a pony tail that came out the back of a baseball cap. Don't ask me where these ideas come from...they pop into my head like soap bubbles.

Wrapping it up for now. I'm going for a walk, then have dinner preparations to do. Peter and April are coming for ribs on the grill, weather permitting.

Sending light and love to all my friends out there dealing with shit. Making phone calls and answering the phone are beyond my capabilities some days...much less sending an actual letter through the PO. But know that I am thinking of you and sending positive thoughts into the universe for you.

another million dollar day

I went for another long walk in the morning, bought another cup of coffee and a cookie, and sauntered down the street. My bench was occupied so I went another block. As I approached Patrick's, Minnow, John, and Hombre were setting up the front patio. I decided if there was a chair there when I got to the corner, it would be a sign. That's where I would stop.

I had a nice visit then made my way home.

This afternoon, I walked down to Arvin's to pick our car after its brake job. I forgot to take water and was parched mightily by the time I got there.

That's a lot of walking in one day for me. I'm going to bed.

Morning...

I woke up at 2:30 and thought it would be a good time to light candles in the garden but it was a short-lived thought. I read for a while, then went back to sleep to have a vivid and very active dream which, of course, I have no memory of now.

Shufflefunction is playing all The Band this morning. Somebody's birthday. Nice music to wake me up. We had another shipment of Tonxx (Thought we were done...thanks, Bob!) so I am also enjoying a wonderful cup of coffee. I was going to request The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down for you, Richie, but they had already played it by the time I came out of my slumber.

Regis, Young Regis, and Uncle Tom are going over to watch the Vikings at their training camp. This is a semi-annual man ritual in which they engage. I do not feel left out. I have less than zero interest in anything football-related. If they were practicing across the street, I wouldn't bother to look out the window. All those men grunting and pawing the ground. Like Menards only more steroids. Haha!

I am amused to the point of guffawing when I get an email saying someone is following me on Twitter. I tweet about 3 times a year and those are usually retweets. I am a child of the 60's and I don't get Twitter. There ain't much to follow, pal. If I ever look at Twitter (rarely) I am more inclined to follow Dave Chappelle or Jimmy Kimmel than someone who tweets about serious things. Ben Leonard and Kurt Hildebrand are my local twits...they are a hoot.

Gus and I are going for a walk around the hospital today. There isn't much to see up there but there is also an utter lack of mean dogs. I hate it when dogs run out at us and Gus doesn't like it much either. Maybe we'll go down Nicollet Avenue a ways. More to look at there.

Offering this dancing dachsund for my old friend and neighbor, Deb, and her daughter, Amanda. It's a day for dancing, my friends.

a new page, in more ways than one

This is me. I've righted my sinking tugboat, bailed the water, patched the holes and I'm heading into the wind! Hahaha!

I was reviewing some old blog posts yesterday and found two poems that I loved one time and had forgotten about...so I started a new page called Poems for Life. You can see it right under the banner and title of the blog. I might try to gradually move all the poems from the side bar to the new page. It's an experiment so I'm not sure if they always appear as regular posts on the home page and then are stored on the new page, so I have to learn this.

Not wanting to over-share on this topic, I will only say that I have had a truly amazing month. I'm healing physical wounds from cancer and healing psychic wounds from a couple of sources. Not by myself, of course... I've had help.

Yesterday, I felt like I took the first deep, carefree breath in several years. I know that probably isn't physically possible but it sure feels emotionally possible and true. It's a new page in my life and the new poem page reflects that.

Thanks to everyone who has patiently trod through my mental hand-wringing. I will try to move on now to more quirky observations of my neighborhood and life and to stop sounding so much like a loony Yoda.

I needed something more interesting to read so I went back and found The Master Butchers Singing Club. I love Louise Erdrich's writing. I think my next reading project will be to re-read her books.

The news is full of gay folks getting married. They all look so happy which cannot be a bad thing. Yesterday there was an article in the Trib about some people who feel like this indicates some decline in civilization. That seems like a very narrow world view to me. There are certainly worse things in the world than two people who want to commit to each other and share their lives.

Just as an example, those two Mpls cops in GB who went on the racist, homophobic rant. Isn't Michelle Bachman enough for us to endure? We have to be embarrassed by these two lump heads. too? And that melee in San Diego? Gay people getting married can't top that shit.

Yesterday morning, I went for a long and peaceful walk. So many pleasant things to see on a summer morning...flowers, baby bunnies, friends, sunshine. I stopped and bought a cup of coffee and a cookie, then parked myself on the bench by the bank to pass the time.

As I walked down Third Street, an adorable baby who was standing on the boulevard with his mama came toddling over with a big toothy grin and hugged me around the knees. You can't start a day in a better way than this.

A Perfect Day

The Perfect Day
by Alice Persons

You wake with
no aches
in the arms
of your beloved
to the smell of fresh coffee
you eat a giant breakfast
with no thought
of carbs
there is time to read
with a purring cat on your lap
later you walk by the ocean
with your dog
on this cut crystal day
your favorite music and the sun
fill the house
a short delicious nap
under a fleece throw
comes later
and the phone doesn’t ring
at dusk you roast a chicken,
bake bread, make an exquisite
chocolate cake
for some friends
you’ve been missing
someone brings you an
unexpected present
and the wine is just right with the food
after a wonderful party
you sink into sleep
in a clean nightgown
in fresh sheets
your sweetheart doesn’t snore
and in your dreams
an old piece of sadness
lifts away

From Never Say Never (Moon Pie Press).

a poem to start the day

Antilamentation

by Dorianne Laux

Regret nothing. Not the cruel novels you read
to the end just to find out who killed the cook, not
the insipid movies that made you cry in the dark,
in spite of your intelligence, your sophistication, not
the lover you left quivering in a hotel parking lot,
the one you beat to the punch line, the door or the one
who left you in your red dress and shoes, the ones
that crimped your toes, don't regret those.
Not the nights you called god names and cursed
your mother, sunk like a dog in the living room couch,
chewing your nails and crushed by loneliness.
You were meant to inhale those smoky nights
over a bottle of flat beer, to sweep stuck onion rings
across the dirty restaurant floor, to wear the frayed
coat with its loose buttons, its pockets full of struck matches.
You've walked those streets a thousand times and still
you end up here. Regret none of it, not one
of the wasted days you wanted to know nothing,
when the lights from the carnival rides
were the only stars you believed in, loving them
for their uselessness, not wanting to be saved.
You've traveled this far on the back of every mistake,
ridden in dark-eyed and morose but calm as a house
after the TV set has been pitched out the window.
Harmless as a broken ax. Emptied of expectation.
Relax. Don't bother remembering any of it. Let's stop here,
under the lit sign on the corner, and watch all the people walk by.

"Antilamentation" by Dorianne Laux