i think my brain might be coming back

 After having the post-COVID symptoms linger for long (since 2022) I have gotten out of the habit of writing. I think the last post I wrote was in 2021. I know from my writing in the past that it has to be a habit and I have to start thinking about writing, usually long before I start writing. I can't writing anything very long on my phone.

Today, Regis helped me set up a little computer desk in a corner of the living room. I wanted a place to keep my laptop that didn't involve my lap. If I wrote with it in my lap, I cranked my neck forward too far, leading to what they call tech neck. Tech neck, also known as text neck,  a modern condition resulting from prolonged and repetitive forward head posture while using electronic devices. This posture strains the neck and surrounding muscles, leading to pain, stiffness, and potential long-term issues. Yeah. Been there and suffered that. You can look it up if you want more information or tips for treating it.

 I also set up so space in the office which has been languishing since we stopped using our desk top computers so much. One is still hooked up for thee printer but the rest of the space was wasted. I took the curtains off the windows to have more natural light and set up my watercolor painting studio there. I'm thinking ahead to winter when the eastern sun will come in the in the morning. 

 I've sorted through all of my books and have a bag to seed the little library. I have a shelf of books to read and a shelf of books to keep. This kind of organization was beyond me for thee past few years. 

 This is Joe Pye weed, a native perennial that disappeared from my garden about the time all the other things disappeared from my life; my brain, my gumption, my interest in things. This year with all the rain, it appeared again. Yesterday when I got of the car after a lovely time with Tiffany to celebrate her 40th anniversary of the day she arrived in our family, there was a monarch and a swallowtail butterfly on it. Such joy. It felt like a sign.

 

observations from my first day of school

 1. Much less chaos than I expected. But now I remember that the last time I was in that school it was 7-12 and now it's Middle School so grades 5-8.

2. Much easier to find a parking spot.

3. Everyone seems friendlier and happier.

4. Even the lunchroom seems easier to navigate.

5. Kids are of smaller stature but still avoid eye contact.

6. I was able to pick out my students. Hee hee.

7. Air conditioning sucks. Those rooms are steamy. The first thing the teacher reminded students of was deodorant. Haha!

8. I need a morning snack.

9. I made it through mostly unscathed.

fiddling around

 I'm at my big computer (as opposed to my laptop, my phone, my iPad) and I'm fiddling around trying to remember how to access pictures, download pictures, transfer pictures...it goes on and on. I think a person has too many ways to input information now. Seriously. I took a picture with my phone a few minutes ago and I wanted to put it here but alas, it must be traveling to the cloud. It has not appeared.

I did come across a picture I took of some salmon tacos I ordered at a restaurant recently. I had them several times before and they were delicious, with big chunks of grilled salmon. This order, however, looked and tasted more like canned salmon. I am not opposed to canned salmon in some circumstances when my palate is prepared for it, but not in this circumstance. It was disappointing and unpalatable. I had to delete the picture.

I made banana bread this morning which warmed the kitchen nicely and made the whole house smell wonderful. It reminded me that I still don't know how to set the timer on the damn oven.

I meant for the picture to be horizontal but I don't feel like taking the time to sort that out. I have paperwork to do for my para job. So much of it that they should pay me to do it. I passed my state and federal criminal background checks which shouldn't be (and wasn't) a surprise, but still seems cause for gladness. Paperwork is all done via electronics these days so I'm sure it will be a struggle. I picked a hell of a time to quit day drinking. Haha!

end of summer and light

 I can't quite get the hang of blog posting after such a long time of being vegetative here. I used to write daily and now it's only occasionally. I'm determined to get back in the habit. I'm already spooked by the shortening days...I woke up at 4 this morning and instead of light creeping out from the east by 5, it's more like 6:30. It's also pitch dark by 8:30 and I cannot figure out why that surprises me every damn year.

One thing that will encourage my blog writing is my daylight thing. I sit in front of it while I write for a while every morning and it seems to help. I take Vitamin D and all of that and I try to get outside some every day. Last year I was foiled by the broken ankle. Barring any bullshit like that, this year should be better.

I read about the neurological impact of COVID this morning. There's a good article in the Washington Post, if you're inclined to read it. How long covid reshapes the brain — and how we might treat it. The good news is that it doesn't seem to be progressive or permanent. 

I start my new job as a paraprofessional at the middle school on Wednesday. I'll be working in a resource room and in a 7-8 grade English classroom. I have arranged for Regis to come by and take my first day of school picture and I have new crayons...a box of 64 with a sharpener. Funny thing...Tiffany will be working in that building, Elliot attends there, and that's where Easton goes to preschool. I'll be able to pick him up after school (11 am) some days. I'm excited!

Our granddaughter, Natalie, turns 5 today so we're attending her birthday party. Pictures will be taken! Sullivan turns five in October and for three months, all of the littles will be 5 until January when Easton turns six. Hayden is 18 and has left the nest. Ella is 16 and starting her junior year, Alex and Elliot are in 8th grade and they're 12. Zoey is 11 and in 6th grade. I have trouble with all the numbers, believe me. If this information is all accurate, it's a miracle.

That's all the news for today.

Old dog, now tricks redux

 I haven't written on my blog regularly for a long time. I've decided that I am going to make it something I do routinely because I will forget how. I made a radical change to the appearance just now. I'm not sure I'll like it but here goes. It's not sky diving, but it's something.

Random photos so I remember how to add them. Everything is different. Except that Woodrow still wakes up at 4 am and checks his bowl so he doesn't starve.

 

 

More news to report. Moose freaks out when a person or a squirrel passes through the yard.  In the last week, we have this disaster.

Three pots, one plants, dirt everywhere. Dammit.

There have been happier things, too.

A return to our potlucks! So nice to gather after such a long time. Below is Easton. He and Elliot came over one afternoon to paint and hang out in the porch.

 

 

 Now some writing.

I think this laptop is for someone who is faster than me. Like a lot of things in life right now. Regis and I talked about going to Mankato to see The Wizard of Oz on the big screen but when it came down to it, we were too lazy. I have my whatever is going on and Regis has been working at 6am. I guess that's enough for our lazy old asses.

I started this post on Sunday and here it is two days later and I haven't published it yet. Zoey has been here a few times for volleyball camp at GAC, the neighbor girls have come to play with the dollhouse, and I've taken the dogs to the park. That's the extent of the excitement.

 Signing off for now. Hope to be here more regularly.

change of season

 As sometimes happens, we’re going from winter to summer in a short amount of time. It was 40° and damp last week and today it’s going to be 85° and humid. I can already feel the pressure in my head. 

It’s not all bad. Hostas are popping out of the ground. Orioles are back. Tiny leaves have appeared on the apple tree. But I like a little smoother transition. There should be more than a week between parkas and sandals. 

I’ve been craving healthy food. Yesterday I bought my third container of leafy greens in a week. Usually when I buy one, it sits in the fridge until it looks like pond scum. Last night for dinner, we had big salads with roasted tomatoes, micro greens, red onions, pumpkin seeds, and homemade dressing. 

I planted some kitchen herbs about a month ago. They came in a little box…envelopes of parsley, basil, cilantro, and dill. They’re up now and I snip off a few to add to my salads. So tasty. 

The new dog park is open which makes it more palatable to visit there. It’s windier but you can’t have everything.

I can hear the damn wind blowing already. This year has been a record breaker for wind and cloudy days. Oh joy. My two favorite weather events. 

I’d like to go out and work in my garden but the wind is a deterrent. I haven’t even visited a garden center yet. 

Off to the dog park so I can consider going to yoga at 10:00. 

where the sun don't shine

We have survived winter, as Minnesotans are wont to do and now we are enduring the coldest, windiest, shittiest spring of the past hundred years. I looked at the forecast and there is no sun predicted for two weeks. This unfortunate turn of events is impinging on my ability to enjoy spring. I wore sandals one time and nearly froze my toes. Yesterday I wore a parka to the dog park. It's inhumane.

I have had some issues again with sleeping. I was so sleepy when I got home from work yesterday that I took a two hour nap. I was sleeping so hard (again) that when Regis woke me, I barely knew where I was. Of course, I wasn't ready to go to bed at my normal bedtime and stayed up watching Bridgerton. Nothing against it if it's your thing but I thought it was like a romance novel for television. I watched two and a half episodes and that's enough.

I'm calling my doctor today and requesting a change in dosage of the medication that I think is causing the sleep issues.

I am trying to learn to make a Julia Child French Omelet. The biggest trick is learning how to shake the pan in order to get it to flip over on itself. I haven't mastered that part yet.

I'm also working on some ukulele chords and songs. My friend, Ed, knows 100 songs. I told him I know five chords and I  don't even know those reliably.

I am making a list of projects I want to work on and possibly finish this spring.

1. Finish Sandi's Mary Oliver needlework project.
2. Finish Zoey's needlework project.
3. Make Matthew's preacher gnome.
4. Fix three things with resin glue (garden thing, River Rock mug, and Stephanie's mug)
5. Clean shutters
6. Paint patio table
7. Paint patio swing
8. Paint grill
9. Paint bird seed aluminum can
10. Paint little library
11. Make Zelda's garden stones
    

That's about enough.

Carry on, friends and family.

Happy Friday.

Saturday already

 I took a trip to visit mom on Tuesday. Of course, it's so late into the spring that a guy shouldn't have to worry about road conditions and I didn't. I did, however, worry about my drowsiness on the road. I stopped once to eat a couple tacos then I had to stop in the next town to take a short nap. It was so gloomy, the sky was gray, the landscape was gray, and it was misty raining...did not make for an energizing mood.

We had a nice visit. A couple of mom's friends came for dinner on Wednesday evening. We talked about dogs, cats, insects, gardening, health, books, movies...it was very entertaining and energizing. Mom and her friends make me look forward to getting older.

I came back Thursday afternoon. I picked up Tiffany and Elliot for a spaghetti fundraiser in Mankato at 5. Good time and so nice to be able to gather in public again. The next day I found out that two of my brothers have COVID. Thankfully they are vaccinated and are not so far suffering any terrible effects.

I am looking forward to a relaxing day even though I have things to do. I made quite a mess when I came back from my trip...clothes all over and no unpacking yet. I'm going to practice my ukulele, do some laundry, make a corned beef, listen to a podcast on dopamine, and take a nap. Haha! Always a nap.

I'm really careful about the news I watch (rarely watch it) or read. The last years since Trump was elected were hard to bear witness to. I watched so much news that I did myself harm and I don't want to go back to that. I started reading a HCR column today about MTG and had to stop. It triggers horrible feelings of helplessness and doom. Here's a picture of the sky peeking through the spring clouds in case you need to cleanse your mind.

 That's it. Happy Saturday.

Tuesday morning, the party what started out as jumping around

 In case you don't remember, I once dreamed that I wrote a book called The Party What Started Out as Jumpin' Around. 

This month, I'm trying to win a t-shirt from the band The Jimmys by sharing the most of their posts. I know it doesn't seem like the two are connected, but they are.

So, there you go. See The Jimmys if you get a chance.

I'm getting ready to take a road trip to see Mom. I had a lot of things I wanted to do before I leave but I have decided to forego most of them. I'll be back on Thursday.

Regis downloaded Martha Wainwright's new book for me to listen to while I'm on the road so I'm looking forward to that. Think I'll make a ham sandwich for the road.

Still cold and blustery here. I'm not even tempted to start anything in the yard. It's a pitiful place with no bird feeders or the baths due to the avian virus. One expert said we may only have to do it for a month or so.

Better get on the road.

Very cold spring Friday morning

If I had hopes that today would be warmer, they have been dashed by a quick glance at the Weather Channel app. High of 37 degrees with continued wind but not as strong as yesterday. I think any loose detritus from Nicollet County has since blown on to Mower County. Only the really heavy stuff remains.

 I think I'll dress warmly and go for a walk down by my neighborhood pond called Hallett's Pond, allegedly the home of a pair of loons and occasional stopping off point for eagles.

I have been a complete worthless slug this week. I blame it on the weather but also on a medication change but whatever, it's left me dozing in the chair for hours and once for a whole day. I felt like I'd been pithed. I have accomplished the bare minimum but that's it. My planned Easter cookies might have to become the cookies for whatever the next holiday is. I'm good at adjusting my plans.

I'm going to take my ukulele to work today so I can practice when there isn't anyone in the gallery. I'm getting callouses on my fingers, I can switch from one chord to another fairly easily, and I know one strumming pattern. We're going to be playing Top of the World by the Carpenters, but the Shonen Knife version.

https://youtu.be/-Ba360Dz1sQ

We're playing with a band and a choir so the risk will be minimal. And I know how to ghost play.

I'm playing this for the third time and Woodrow just got up from my lap, shook himself, and marched off. He's some cat.

Happy Friday, friends.

Reviving the blog buns of stone

 You'll have to go back and read the first posts from October of 2006 if you want to know how my blog got the ridiculous name Buns of Stone. I've decided to revive the blog and it's involved a fight with the corporate vultures at Google. I'm not sure anybody wants the whole story so let's just say for now that I have given up my custom domain name because who wants to pay a non-refundable broker's fee to find out IF Google wants to sell my custom domain name (which they stole) back to me for some unnamed amount of money. F that.

 

I'm going to be working on my blogger chops for a while so there may be randomly inserted photos, quotes, charts, and maps as I remember how to do things. Old dogs, new tricks.

When I started this blog, Facebook didn't exist so this was my only platform for over-sharing. Haha! I don't use Instagram, Tik Tok, Reels, Twitter or any of the other social media so it will just be figuring out what goes on Facebook and what goes here. This always felt more organic, more rambley, more like a notebook kind of thing. I like that

I have joined a ukulele band. Our first performance will be at the Mid-Life Pageant and Sing Along Nation performance on September 4th. It's been a hoot so far. At our first lesson/rehearsal, it was like magic...almost 20 ukuleles played by beginners or amateurs, plunking along to Obla Di Obla Da. It was priceless and so joyful.

It's still winter in Minnesota although it has technically been spring for almost a month. Today the temperature is 30, it feels like 15 degrees, and there is a wind advisory for winds 25-35 mph with gusts up to 50 mph. What the bloody hell. Everyone is so tired of it.

 My neighbor's daffodils are blooming, though, which seems impossible in this wretched weather. I walked around my garden the other day and there are lots of tiny things struggling to grow. Little iris shoots growing up through the leaf letter, hollyhocks, vinca vines, and squill. My daffodils don't bloom this early because they don't have the benefit of a southern exposure. I planted 70 of them, though, so they should make a show when they finally arrive.

Moose is barking his head off at something going past...a dog, a person, or a bag blowing in the wind. For a small dog, he has a very loud bark.

Interminable insufferable winter- unpublished draft

 I haven't written on my blog much for a long time. Some observations about that.

Things got difficult for me in 2016. The political climate and how it impacted my relationships was staggering. I know people who say they don't pay attention to it, but I couldn't do that. It was like someone had pulled the rug from beneath my feet.

I managed to keep my head above water by being obsessive about the news. I would wake up at night to check Twitter and make sure that bombs hadn't been detonated, the rivers hadn't overflowed their banks, and the sky hadn't suddenly disappeared. In retrospect, this wasn't healthy but I did what I could at the time.

I spent a lot of time in my chair, watching the news. Constantly watching the news. It was hard on my physical health even though I did manage to continue working with a trainer at the gym. I even worked, by distance learning, to earn a license as a trainer for senior folks in their own homes. I finished that program in January of 2020, had a business plan, had my promotional materials, and my equipment. I started with one client in February but by March COVID ended that dream. The stuff is in the closet, the business cards are in the trash, and that's that.

My time at the gym ended, too. Like everyone else, the gym was closed and there was no way to continue working with Gunnar. I had known him for five years and he was a huge source of support. It was a terrible loss.

My job at the Arts Center was over for a while. We were closed until summer and then opened with a very limited staff in order to keep our exposure to a minimum. I went back to work in August, wearing a mask, behind a plastic shield, with a limited number of customers at one time. No more artist receptions, no clay center gatherings, no team meetings at the coop.

My yoga classes ended, my art classes ended, my coffee dates were over, my time with my grandchildren ended. Now when I read this and reflect on what the last two years were like, is it any wonder that the days were dark?

We bought a small fire pit for the patio and I spent some time outside, even on the coldest days, mostly with my neighbor friend. In the summer, the grand kids came over sometimes but it was hard to stay out of the house on the hot days. It seemed like  we were trying to get by but it was never the same. There were so many things I ached for, Easton reading books on my lap, going to the little airport, rocking Sully, hearing Elliot in the office playing video games, taking Ella out for lunch.

something's going on

 

The Journey by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice—

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world

determined to do

the only thing you could do—

determined to save

the only life you could save.

Hello October!

 Well, some things don't go as you think they will. Here is the response about my grant application.

Board Member Comments from Artist Grant Review 9/23/21.

Several Board Members noted that the artist's project is described well and is detailed. Because this is a new venture for the artist, it definitely contributes to the artist's growth; and Teresa is changing from writing to drawing and now felting. Since the artist is moving to a whole new media, adding in additional details and description about how it is a natural progression to move from drawing to fibers would strengthen the proposal. Also, the budget is clear and appropriate for the project. Two Board Members stated concerns and said the application was too vague. While they appreciated and admired the applicant's desire to continue to make art, there needs to be more specific goals included. This applicant has no desire to pursue a career as an artist. While "career" or "artist" may be broadly defined, a Board Member noted that it is important to show evidence that supports an ongoing practice with definable goals, and this application did not do this. A Board Member noted that while Teresa is new to fibers, she has engaged in publicly displaying her work in shows. This as well as the desire to take a course to fulfill the vision she has for her work, demonstrates her dedication and ability to carry out the project. The course and additional exhibits will strengthen her resume, which while arts-focused has yet to be developed in terms of exhibitions. A Board Member noted that they would have liked to see this artist have a stronger artist statement pertaining to their artwork. They feel this artist needs to provide more responses to the questions. The artist did not speak about how they plan to present the work. She needs to focus on growing her resume. This artist needs strong work samples and documentation of them. The work samples did help Board Members see, through drawing, the relationship to landscape. However, the samples did not help them understand why pursuing felting and stitching is the logical next step. A Board Member commented that despite being early on in her artistic work, as described by the artist in the application, they could easily see Teresa’s vision for transforming her drawings into fiber arts. The drawings capture the textures of the landscapes well with simple strokes of the pencil. Since she is venturing into a new material however, it would be good to see some examples of explorations in fiber to support a full grant.

So I learned a lot from doing this even though it was stressful and last-minute. Last-minute could be why it was so stressful. They offered me and several other artists who were not awarded the big grant, a chance to apply for a $500 stipend which would allow us to pursue our goals on a smaller scale. I'm working on that one because it is due today, but I probably won't do this again. I think I'm a dabbler and not nearly serious or focused enough. 

I spent four hours in my garden yesterday doing this:

• Treating all incoming plants with insecticide.
• Bringing them into the back porch so they can transition into the house.
• Setting aside the plants that have to go into the ground. I keep some hostas in pots but they might not survive the winter like that.
• Cleaning out the garage.
• Hauling some crap to the curb.
• Putting away the garden stuff that has to be stored in the garage.
• Watering the garden before it freezes.
• Blowing leaves into the garden. We used to rake them. This is much easier and much better for the garden and the critters that live in the leaves. 
• Getting the fire pit ready for the first chilly night.
  

 It's been a busy week. Mom is doing better, carrying on with her busy social life and getting stronger. Regis and I are making our annual trip to Hope for a case of butter. We've done it every year for a while but missed last year due to COVID. We always had lunch at a little joint called Spurgy's which closed during the pandemic. We were sad to hear that.

 

Better get on with the day. 

 

 

ready to leave some things behind and move on to new mischief

 I did some things today that I might not have imagined myself doing a few years ago.

First, I put in my application for a booth at the Arts Center's Holiday Market. I'm going to make paper earrings, an idea for which I have all the supplies and the concept, but no prototype. That is a project for next week as I need to get my studio cleaned up and organized before I start making things. But it's all there! Everything I need...even the display and the pieces necessary for that. How did I manage to pull this together? It's some kind of miracle!

The other thing is my really big stretch. Our regional arts council offers grants for beginning artists. They offer $1500 for whatever you need...studio space, supplies, books, a class. I have been pondering it for a while but just couldn't get it to come together in my head. (See previous paragraph.) It seemed like so much money for one of my projects.

Then, one day I looked at three books I own.

For a long time, I've loved fiber but I only collected it. I never made anything with it. For a long time, I have loved Moy Mackay's beautiful felted landscapes but I never seriously considered making one myself. Well I did try twice, but they were pretty dismal. Nothing like this.

 And suddenly, there it was. My inspiration, my purpose, my new adventure. I checked out Moy's website and she offers a felted landscape class online (from Scotland) in October and November. There's my project for the grant. The class, the supplies, travel to photograph, again, the landscape of Southwestern Minnesota. Mom says every time we pass a wind turbine, I have to stop and take a picture. It's true.

The application was long and arduous, made more so because it was last minute. I didn't have an "artistic" resume or a budget or an artist's statement but I figured it out over 6 grueling hours yesterday and a few more today.

Here's my artist's statement.

"I grew up in Southwestern Minnesota and have always loved the horizontal grandeur of its landscape. As an older beginning artist, it’s been surprising to me how the landscape of my early years creeps into so many of my artistic pursuits. I have been a writer all my life and have documented the beauty of the land through poetry and essays, and as I’ve begun to study drawing, painting, photography, and now wool felting, there it is again. The beauty of Southwestern Minnesota.

Wool felting feels like such a natural way for me, as an artist, to capture the colors of the summer harvests piled up in front of grain elevators in every small town or the endless wind turbines that dot the border between Minnesota and South Dakota. That the rolling hills of Blue Mounds State Park with its pure bison herd can be created in wool is a cause for joy.

Fibers can be carded together to make a picture that might be difficult to create in any other medium. Those fibers, that might have come from a bison or a local sheep, are directly connected to the land by the animal, its food, its people. 

Life is a big circle. Making art this way makes this very true for me."

 

It's probably not the best but for a first effort in a pinch, I'm ok with it. I also did some research on the artist's resume and wrote what I thought was a decent one.

 

A note re: wool. I'm searching for local bison wool. I can buy bison roving online but I'd love some local stuff. 

  

I'm not letting myself even be a little bit hopeful but it's given me a new energy that feels good. I thought this week that I am ready to be done with the grief the last president and the pandemic have brought me. I'm ready to be done feeling cynical and bitter so much of the time. 

 

Onward and upward, my friends. 

floating down the river of denial

Every Friday, I announce that I am taking a break from the news. I don't watch or read any of it over the weekend and by Monday, I feel partly sane again. By Monday night, I feel the need to catch up and it's the same shit show all over again.  There is no resolution of one catastrophe before the next one climbs on board.

My hosta garden in the front yard is going to be my best one yet. Mimi, my hosta friend and mentor, came over the other day and told me, again, the names of many of my hosta. I think I finally found a way to label them that won't fade away in the sun or be raked out in the spring. We'll see how it goes.

We had a scare last week. Easton, three-years old, had to go the doctor because of a high fever. They didn't do a covid test because it would be traumatic but they did a strep test. He was much better the next day. Regis and I are being very careful. We go very few places and when we do go somewhere, we wear masks. So many people are careless now...no masks and not respecting distance, so we aren't talking any chances. I've gotten accustomed to being home and that's good and bad. I think I could drift into coronaphobia pretty easily. It's a thing...click the link.

It's raining and my garden is grateful. Regis says it's the effects of Cristobol. I've seen pictures of the waves and I know I don't want to be anywhere near that weather event.

Season 5 of Queer Eye has been a tear-jerker already. Episode 1 is the story of a pastor in the ELCA Lutheran Church. Powerful. We finished Schitt'$ Creek. Boo hoo. I loved those characters.

Bye for now.

riding the waves of life during COVID

I started this post about two weeks ago, on April 28th. I must have been feeling hopeful then, but the weeks since that day have been a struggle.

That day I wrote this.

This is uncharacteristic of me but I woke up Saturday morning (April 25) and decided to clean up my gardens in the front of the house. I asked Ella to help and together we cleaned two pickup loads of leaves and sticks hauled them to the city compost site. Yesterday I cleaned up the back yard.

Today. This is what I shared with a friend.

I wish I could join the yoga group again. I want to, but I am so far down the rabbit hole I would have to claw my way up to come through the door. The last two weeks have been brutal. I can’t sleep. I don’t exercise. I eat crappy food. I’m lazy. I do work in my garden which has been a lifesaver, but that and baking bread is all I can do. All of the healthy things available to me, I ignore. I haven’t written on my blog in weeks.

Gunnar contacted me about online training and I agreed because it wounded wonderful and optimistic. He wrote up detailed exercise and nutrition plans which I have wholesale igniored.  I haven’t done it for one day. I even stopped doing my ten-minute walks. I have to admit that to him and I don’t think I can commit to anything being different anytime soon. 

I am joyful about some things. I love seeing the birds in my garden and I love seeing my grandchildren. It’s so hard to shoo them away and not let them on my lap or hug them. 

I have been making and sharing cookies on Sundays since the quarantine and that's been a hoot. I announce what kind on FB, people comment that they will be by between 3-5:00, and I make up a little bag for them and either leave it at the end of the sidewalk if I see them, or I tuck them into my little library. But I didn't do that the last two weeks either.

I talk to my mom every few days but I can’t seem to reach out anymore. I don’t do the zoom thing or FaceTime or any of those other things. Mostly I am just wallowing in a very deep reservoir of grief. 

I am heartened that the Arts Center may open in June. I need that contact with people and artists. 

This is more than I meant to say. I know the things that could help but I can’t do them right now. 

When I was trying to fall asleep last night, I was thinking that the pandemic and quarantine have been like two other traumas in my life, cancer and the tornado. The cancer diagnosis was like a big punch in the gut, but looking back it felt like the pain of it was personal. I could leave the house and everything else in life was normal, stores, restaurants, homes of friends. The tornado's aftermath was traumatic in a different way in that the devastation was apparent throughout our community. You couldn't go anywhere in town for a long time without seeing blue tarps, boarded up windows, piles of rubbish, and construction.

The pandemic has left people traumatized in a different way. There isn't anywhere on the globe you can go (if you could go, which is doubtful) where things would be normal. You can't drive to the next town, the next state, or fly to another country without constant reminders about what is going on with COVID. Many people wear masks in public, there are signs everywhere about social distance and hand washing and mask wearing.

I'm not sure if I feel better or worse when I finally do leave the house. I drove downtown on Saturday morning to mail a letter and Third Street was deserted. No cars parked the entire length of it. On a typical Saturday morning in May, our town is bustling. I came home feeling bereft.

I am happy at home. Regis and I are compatible companions and our standards for this time are appropriately low. We do the required things...garbage, dishes, taking care of pets, laundry, meals...but if one of us doesn't want to get dressed until afternoon, we don't judge. We aren't taking on any home improvement projects or organizing our space. I started to organize the kitchen cabinets and got about halfway done and quit. Now I have a folding table full of the stuff I pulled out and I don't have the ambition to deal with it. Sigh.

I do love being in my garden. The birds this time of year are spectacular...orioles, grosbeaks, finches, cardinals, catbirds. So many colors and songs. The garden gives the opportunity to focus on the two or three square feet right in front of my face so it limits my anxiety to volunteer trees and weeds. I have loved watching all my hostas emerge. My friend Mimi helped me get my shade garden into better shape last summer. I wish I could find the tags I used to label them or that I could remember their names, but I can't.

Our street is a common walking path for people so while I'm sitting on my garden seat digging in the dirt, neighbors walk by and we chat for a while, from a proper distance, of course. Two little kids came by with their grandma one day. They told me they call my yard the treasure garden because there is always something new to see. I invited them to come and walk the paths anytime they wanted to, to sit on the bench, and to enjoy the birds and flowers.

The last three days have been better. I have slept better, been more active, cooked more meals, and baked loaves of bread. I'm not sure the darkness has lifted for good but even if it's for now, I'll take it.

friday in the time of covid

I had such a good week. Every day I thought about writing here but every day I was busy with other things and I didn't. Every day I was up early and dressed and I had a list (brief and basic) of things to do. I got my seeds started, I did laundry, I mailed cards, I made pizza dough and naan bread. I thought I had learned to live with this. I thought I had learned to let grief and joy coexist in my life. Even if I woke up heartsick, I found wonder...the open window in April, birds singing, hostas coming up in the garden.

I even took Gus to McDonald's for a cheeseburger. He loves the drive-thru and sits patiently while we wait. He always shares my fries, too. There was a line from hell, but we didn't have anywhere to be so we went with it.

Today, I woke up early but I quickly ran out of energy and went back to bed. I slept for three more hours. I forgot to go to the Arts Center to meet someone with a key. I'm just not used to thinking in terms of time or deadlines already. It's 12:30 and I'm not dressed and I haven't done the dishes. I've already told Regis that I can't makes pizza for dinner. I'm out of gas.

I found a couple projects that I want to do over the next few days.

So many incredible Advanced Style posts have come through in the last day. @carmen_mon_oxide ‘s ode to The Countess of Glamour is spot on don’t you think?! She writes on her post, “Doing the Advanced Style because right now people are taking about the older generation like they are disposable and have nothing left to offer. That is so far from true.” That’s exactly why I started this challenge. If you’d like to join in all you have to do is post a look inspired by one of your favorite advanced style icons along with the name of someone older in your life that you want to celebrate with the Advanced Style Challenge. I don't have a pig but I think I can pull this off. I'll share results.

And this one which has a distinct demographic...you have to be old enough to know about the Ministry of Silly Walks but not so old that you can't do it without hurting yourself. That's a funny thought. Hee hee. Sometimes when you think you've given up, you just have to write about it.

I ordered these pencils and they arrived today. I've been doing pictures of flowers and delivering them to friends. I just write a note and tape them on their windows. It's a fun project.

Sunday I'm making two batches of snickerdoodles and putting them in my little library for folks who need a cookie and who doesn't. The news is so exhausting.

If I hadn't been watching the press conference/rally yesterday, I would never have believed that the potus would stand on a stage and tell 40 million people that maybe we could try injecting disinfectants into a body because it kills germs on surfaces. This plague would be bad enough if we had a leader with a lick of sense but every days feels like a new fresh hell.

Now that I have enumerated my woes, I'm going to take a shower and dress in my most flamboyant outfit and go for a walk to Caribou where I will get myself a cold drink and a cookies. And maybe see my friend, Kelly.

Love to you my friends.

doing life in the time of COVID-19, more random thoughts

1. I can't keep track of what number day it is in the shutdown. I looked back to see what day it started and it was March 18th so you can do the math. That's what I always say when confronted with a math problem of which counting is one.

2. We had a funny Easter celebration. I made a bag of Easter eggs for each family and they either came over here to do a simple egg hung right along the sidewalk while we sat on the patio or they did their own thing in their own yard. It was fun. We maintained social distance.

3. We got Easter dinner from a local restaurant. I picked it up Saturday, all packaged in foil and plastic and we reheated it on Sunday. It was the second Easter dinner we've had out of takeout containers and we have been grateful for each one. It was cold and snowing on Sunday anyway so who cares.

4. Weird weather continues with rapid changes from sunny to cloudy to zero visibility with huge snowflakes or graupel. I think I will be able to live my COVID life when the weather is warmer and sunnier. Sitting on the patio and waving to people who come by sounds sweet right now. My daffodils are up but not far. No flowers yet.

5. The news dropped today and that is a big outbreak of COVID in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. We dodged a big bullet there when Mom had her surgery in March. We spent one night in a hotel, got takeout, and got out of town. Might have been a different story this week.

6. I still I have not been cleaning or organizing but today I found a box of cards in the closet. Since I just ordered a bunch of stamps from the USPS it seemed like serendipity. I'm going to write a few cards every day and either mail them or deliver them on my bike. I have to find some ways to reach out more. I'm too content to stay home and avoid any kind of social gathering via zoom or facetime.

7. I have a lot of nice linen summer clothes which don't get worn a lot because you know, ironing. I've decided in this time of CV, I'm going to wear them around the house unironed. I think it will be a good look for me.

8. Yesterday I had to move the car while Regis moved the truck. We have a one-lane driveway. So as long as I was on the street I went around the block! Big outing! Tomorrow Regis isn't driving the transit so we're taking Gus to get groomed (might have her trim me up, too), then we'll go to Mankato to pick up groceries (aisles online), and get some takeout dinner.

9. I know I feel better if I get up in the morning and get dressed instead of waiting until 4 o'clock or the next day. Sweatpants are not a look I enjoy. I'm ok with wonky hair but I can't let my fashion sense go down the drain. It's a slippery slope.

10. I read today that Dr. Fauci finds the daily 2 hour press briefings exhausting. I can only imagine. The news is bleak but I have to watch some of it because what I think might have happened while I wasn't paying attention is sometimes worse.

a weird and windy day

Personal best during the coronovirus. I was awake, showered, and dressed by 9:30. Go, me! I did some things before noon, then took a break for lunch, reading, and a nap. Regis thinks that's pretty funny, but I am taking this schedule very seriously.

I made a macrame plant hanger. I know...a craft revived from the 60s but you know what they charge for those things? I made one in ten minutes, even with the cat's help. I sorted a few things, found a few lost items, did the dishes, and prepped for dinner. I have cooked more in the last two weeks, in an organized and purposeful way, than I have in a long time. We had steak on the grill last night and tonight, I made a hash with the leftover steak, potatoes, onions, and red peppers. It was delicious.

Later in the evening, I took a drive around town. I had heard that there was a house demolished on Front Street and I wanted to see it. There's also a garage construction going on (very slowly) and I wanted to check their progress. Unfortunately, both parties were present and I wasn't comfortable documenting their construction/destruction. I also saw two kids celebrating birthdays on the boulevard with parents and siblings. They had signs on poster board, balloons, and in one case, and actual throne made of plywood. It was glorious.

A friend of mine, frustrated with her inability to find yeast in a local grocery store, ordered 20 pounds from a bakery supply house in Canada. It was going for $40 a pound on Amazon and she sold a pound to me for $5 which seems like what I paid for it pre-virus. She delivered it on a scooter which should have earned a tip. Hurray for friends and yeast fairies.

I don't know how I can sleep for 8 hours at night, take a 1.5 hour nap after lunch, and still be tired at 8:00.

I have plans for the future. I'm going to finish my Senior Fitness certification. I'm going to make wind chimes from the shells I brought back from Texas. I have two garden plots to prepare for flowers and vegetables. I have a huge hosta garden in the front yard that needs some tending when the weather warms.

So, carry on, my friends. Love and sunshine and much respect to you all.