untitled...photos, etc.

embracing ease

Edited in the light of day...

I am writing this at 2 am. A time when my brain and my fingers don't always work well together...but I have things to say. I have been slacking on my blog the past few months because I was too, way too, conscious of my audience. I didn't start out that way...it started as a writer's notebook. My thoughts and observations... and too bad if you didn't appreciate them.

Over the course of cancer, I turned inward and worried too much about what people thought. Was I too harsh? Too easy? Not empathetic enough? It immobilized me.

Writing is therapy for me so if you don't like what I write, don't read it. I write for myself.

In the course of being diagnosed and treated for cancer with a multitude of nasty toxic chemicals and radiation, I have experienced long-term side effects including cognitive problems ( I mean to do something but it takes a long time.), fatigue (three hour naps), lack of motivation, forgetfulness, problems with multi-tasking and problems-solving...and the list goes on. It does not end when the treatment ends. Sadly. So many people think then the treatment ends, the effects end. It's not over.

I have been reading about the long-term effects of cancer treatment. They are varied and long-lasting. This is my new normal as they say.

I have found ways to cope. I love my Livestrong group. I have found wonderful and supportive friends. I know I need a nap or a rest period every afternoon. I have therapy. I exercise. I eat as healthy as I possibly can. I practice yoga and meditation and mindfulness.

But sometimes I still go crazy. It's just the way it is. I drink wine. I have a beer. I ask to go out for dinner. I read a lot. I write continuously. That's how I figure things out.

And so life goes on. I am looking forward to the graduation of the next Livestrong group for which I have volunteered. They are a wonderful group of optimistic and brave folks. We are having an alumni group meeting and I have a couple members of the Blue Ox Jazz Babies who will lead our parade as we celebrate life. I have met many new friends. Cancer has afforded me many opportunities...and life goes on. Celebrate it. Every day.

P.S. I borrowed the subject line from my friend, Michele. It's a title she is thinking of using for her yoga class. I love it!

pontoon party planning #1

 It occurred to me yesterday that planning the pontoon party on the 20th is going to take a mastermind. I'll be planning a party for 12 adults and 5 kids...all to take place in 20 square feet of space on a ship with no refrigeration and no running water. 

Ella told me yesterday that it was two weeks away, so this morning I started looking at Pinterest and making a list. I went to Shopko and found some things on clearance that I can use. Here are some other ideas.

I figure the adults will be happy cruising around the lake with a cold drink but the kids might need more entertainment.

Here are my preliminary lists of things to bring

We will bring:

1. Food (Build your own sandwiches, chips, vegetables, fruit, dessert)

2. Beverages (Mostly non-alcoholic but a few choice alcohol treats for the grown-ups. Not if you are driving.)

3. Supplies and condiments (Baskets, liners, napkins, paper towels...mustard, mayo, onions, pickles, tomato, lettuce, etc. Maybe some hot wasabi!)

4. Camera...I'll bring some funny hats and glasses for the photo booth!

The Boat Landing will have life jackets for all but if you have one for your child, might be best to bring it.

Tom...could you do a summer play list of music?

If you have a large cooler we can use, will you let me know? I'd like to get the coolers ready a few days ahead so I know what I need.

You should bring:

1. Hats

2. Sunscreen

3. Swimsuits and towels

4. Flotation devices that aren't too large. We'll be cruising up to a swimming beach at some point.

5. Bug repellant?

If you need directions, put it in the google for a map. Boat Landing in Madison Lake. More information to come.

premier parking spot

Regis is always on the lookout for a great parking spot when we buy groceries. He was amazed this morning, as busy as it was, that he was able to get this space!

Now here's something weird. Since my bariatric surgery five years ago, I have had to give myself a monthly injection of Vitamin B12. I got tiny bottles of it with a prescription and the syringes came with it. About a year ago, my insurance stopped paying for the syringes so I was charged 40 cents a piece for them. But I had to have a prescription because otherwise they wouldn't know if I was using the syringes for nefarious purposes. What?

Last week, I picked up my prescription and I paid 12 dollars for three syringes. I found a medical supply place online and ordered a box of 100 for 15 dollars + five for shipping. No prescription needed. They wouldn't let me return the syringes but they did make a price adjustment...and I paid 40 cents each. I asked what I should ask for in the future and if I would still need a prescription. Yes to the prescription and they would only sell me 3 at a time because God knows what I'm doing with those syringes. None of this makes any damn sense, does it?

I thought...if I were going to use them for a purpose for which they were not intended, I would probably know about buying them online for 20 cents a piece.

This has been a draft post for days and days. I can't remember why I wanted to post this poster with the benefits of weight training. So, here it goes...out into the cyber world!

just when you think you have a couple things figured out...

I recovered from (or started to calm down about) the dip into the dark side when I learned of my friend's cancer recurrence. Then last night, we learned that Betty, who has been a part of my family of friends for many years, lost her brother suddenly and quite unexpectedly over the weekend. He was 57. I was stunned. No medical problems, no history of disease, active young father whose parents lived well into their 80's...and suddenly he is gone. Like a whisper.

To say there are no guarantees in life is an understatement. For a powerful read on optimism even in the face of uncertainty, read this: Rethinking the Placebo Effect by Maria Popova.

Something I have known for a long time...a little bit of realism goes a long way. And I would say I am a self-enhancer. You'll have to read the blog to find out what that means!

Our funky little truck has a shot at being painted by the art center folk and driven in the 4th of July parade. How much fun would that be? The fellow who came to inquire asked if Regis had a favorite artist. He suggested Monet but I think the truck might be more of a Jackson Pollock kind of truck.

I like to make what I call a POD. Plan of the day. I don't always follow it but it's a start. I have gotten a few things done already. Making a grocery list is not the least of them.

Make it a happy Monday!

lifted up

Yesterday was kind of a dark day for me, for many reasons. Sometimes it happens. I reached out to some friends who were right there for me...on FB, by email, by phone, or in person. Today is much better.

I started today in much better spirits. We had coffee on the porch, then went for a long walk by the hospital. Such pretty meadows up there...and we saw a bluebird! I picked a bouquet of wild flowers and Regis took a short video of the wind blowing the grass. I'll share it here if I can ever get it to load.

Michele, Teresa, and Mary...haircut party!

Flowers and red teapot

Delicious chicken salad with fresh greens and strawberries from Betsy!

Woodrow Call

Woodrow tormenting Gus. He jumps right on Gus's head.

We took a drive to Mankato to pick up my Vitamin B12 and the syringes I needed. Walgreens charged me four bucks each for them. I can buy a hundred online for twenty bucks. Does that make any sense?

Regis grilled steaks and mushrooms and I made a gorgeous salad with Betsy's strawberries. You forget how strawberries are supposed to taste. The ones in the grocery store are like cardboard.

Oh, yeah. We pumped some iron this afternoon, too. Lucas, our trainer, will try to kill us again on Wednesday so we thought we'd try to get in some weights before that so we're prepared.

So, there you go. All the news that's fit to print.

end o' the week in photos and stories

At my urging, Regis bought himself a man bag to carry his essentials, of which there are many. Wallet, glasses, keys...you know. We got quite a chuckle out of the wording on the outside of the bag. I wonder what they meant to say.

Yesterday, Betsy, on the left, picked me up at 8:30 and we went to Guenther's for breakfast. As we were almost ready to leave, in walks Edna. She joined us for a few minutes and we had a fine visit.

Betsy dropped me off here for an appointment with Dr. Anderson. The night before, I had developed what I learned are called flashes and floaters in my left eye. Of course, after diagnosing this on the internet (and getting more and more fearful every moment) I called the emergency number for my eye doc. He said it sounded like posterior vitreous detachment, a common occurrence as we age and I should be seen the next day. So here I was...eyes dilated.

Turns out, that is exactly what it was with no evidence of retinal involvement which is the big scare. I have to be checked again in a month and after that, only yearly.

Regis and I have been walking a lot up by River's Edge Hospital. There is very little traffic, nice clean sidewalks, and lots of nice grass for Gus to roll in when he gets warm. It's a little over a mile to make the big loop and sometimes we go two or three times.

After my eye appointment, Betsy dropped me off at the nail salon for a pedicure with Joanne. I forgot to get a photo there but it was so nice. We went to Pappageorge and had lunch and good conversation.

I had a 3:30 haircut appointment so I popped into the jewelry store to get my found ring checked. She said she was not a gemologist but to her it looked like pink rubies or pink sapphires. I'll hunt up a gemologist to get the final verdict.

My next stop was Mary's hair salon for a haircut and some gabbing with friends. Lola was there, then Michele came to get this cool star cut into her hair.

Today, it has threatened rain, or really rained, all day. I am tired of the gloom but at least all the roads and bridges are open for now. We get enough darkness in the winter...I want bright sunshine in the summer. We might take a walk down to the fairgrounds to see if there's any barbecue left.

roads open

Yesterday when Betty and I went to Mankato for the Art Walk, most of the roads in the area were closed. We had to go almost to Nicollet, come out in North Mankato, and then cross town on 14 to get there from here. It wasn't so inconvenient for us because we were just horsing around but for some people, it was a major butt burn. Today, roads between St. Peter and Mankato are open.

The Art Walk was a hoot of a time. Some of the sculptures we liked very much...like this one of the sea turtles. Some were more abstract and we, with our pedestrian cultural minds, didn't get it. We had a nice lunch, browsed a few shops, and headed home for some relaxation about 3 o'clock.

This morning I went to Livestrong with Michele. They thanked the volunteers at the end but I feel I take as much as I give there. We worked on endurance. Andrea, who is usually quiet, shouted at Laurie and I to get moving...if we could talk that much we must not be working very hard. Ha! We laughed...and worked harder.

I spent three hours in my garden this afternoon hoeing out those insidious little weeds that seem to have come with the heavy rain. What the hell are they? There must have been a bazillion of them because I had to move everything to get at all of them. I had decided not to use Preen this year, but relented after this mess.

I also doused myself with bug spray...the toxic kind...because the mosquitoes have discovered me again. They seemed to avoid me for the year after chemo and radiation. I was radioactive or something. We're back in the saddle when it comes to mosquitoes.

I had 8 visitors to the little library this afternoon. Some people are reluctant to take a book even when I encourage them and say it doesn't matter if they don't have one to leave. Four kids came by on their way home from the pool and each took one. One little boy took the book Old Turtle...a signed copy.

road closed

This is a real picture taken by Regis sometime this morning. Roads and bridges are closed all over the place making it difficult to travel anywhere from anywhere else. There have been mud slides on the steep hillsides of 169, the 99 bridge is closed, and the 22 bridge may close soon. Henderson, a tiny town to our north has had three houses damaged or washed away by mudslides. Many people have water in their basements. Fortunately, there have been no injuries and people are using common sense.

I don't know why the road closed signs seem apropos today. I haven't been writing much lately and I miss it. I think my routine changed...rather than sitting in the office in the morning, we are having coffee on the porch. I can't write very well on my iPad and have gotten out of the habit of using my laptop.

I liked using my blog as a place to not only document some of the events of our lives but also to just see where the writing takes me. Sometimes it takes me down a winding road and I end up in a place I didn't know was there. Sometimes the road is closed.

The dog park in town is closed because it is underwater. Fish swim in it now. The water is up past the five foot fence. Gus misses it but Regis has taken him to the one in Mankato a couple times and we have found a dog-friendly place to take him for walks. He can off-leash and chase balls so he enjoys it.

I asked Regis to take some pictures of my garden to celebrate the Summer Solstice yesterday. He did and they are beautiful. I need to get out there to weed but it's been so wet and so buggy that I keep putting it off. Some tiny weeds are sprouting everywhere but not one blade of all the grass seed I planted.

It's our anniversary today. We've been married fifteen years. Mom sent us an e-card with two old farts riding bicycles in the nude. If we wouldn't be arrested, we might be tempted to try it. Not sure how a bike seat would feel on a bare rump, however.

A shout out to some friends. Thanks to Tom and Betty for joining us for libations and food last night. Always fun to spend time with old friends. Sending light and love to Kristi and Wes. They are going through a dark time with his cancer and treatment. They could use all your prayers and positive energy for healing and peace. Karen, I hope you are doing well. You will have to email me your phone number because we switched phones and I lost a lot of things.

Well, moving on into the day. I am a slow starter some days. We're taking Gus for a walk, then ourselves to the gym for some iron pumping. We might go somewhere for a burger to celebrate our 15 wild and wacky years together.

I'll think about the road closed metaphor.

no need for alarm

I didn't mean to alarm folks who read my blog post last night. I hope you read the one I wrote just minutes before the down and dirty one. It was joyful and optimistic...the way I feel most of the time. The cancer fears come on suddenly and harshly and the way I discharge them is to write about them. I had a wonderful weekend but then this little black cloud covered the sun for a minute and I had to write about it.

In fact, as I look back over my 2,000+ posts, most of them are joyful and optimistic. But when dark thoughts come into my head, I can't unsee them, but write them down. So, don't panic and think I am cowering in the corner or poised on the edge of the bridge. I am living my life. Aging abundantly.

down and dirty

Since I was diagnosed with cancer, my world has been askew.

I worry about living and dying.

I can't concentrate.

I can focus on one thing at a time.

 I feel malformed.

I don't know if this will pop up in my bones? Bone Cancer?

I walked the survivor's lap last night but I don't feel like a survivor.

I felt like a fraud. I haven't survived.

I am terrified.

What if my future is metastisis and hospice?

I want to live to be 100+.

Karen, let's get together on a tropical island and drink margaritas.

I love my life. I do not want to die young.

embracing imperfection

I have been thinking a lot about imperfection lately...in my home, in my garden, in my self. I think a guy can become too obsessed with fixing everything that is imperfect but I am trying to move to a place in my life where imperfection is ok.

Everything does not need to be perfect. I like the little nick in the cupboard door where it bangs the clock if you open it too wide. I appreciate the red bud tree with the bark scarred from woodpeckers. It has a few dead branches but it's shape is interesting and it provides some shade for my garden. I'm not concerned about the lack of finished edges on our porch windows. We meant to do it but somehow never did. It's just fine the way it is.

Two weeks ago, when I published on Facebook, a picture of my friend Maude, I was not at all surprised at the number of people who knew her. A magnificent force in the world, Maude is. Who else would participate in a radio show called Polka til You Puke? I was surprised to see the name of an old friend of mine from the early 70's when I lived in Mankato. Sharon and Maude had been good friends when they worked together years ago. Sharon and I shared an apartment and a lot of good times.

So, Sharon and I become Facebook friends. Then we make a date to meet up for coffee. She showed up at my door this morning at 9 o'clock with a bag of bagels and a bald head. After we hugged and said hello, I pointed at her head and said, "Sharon, what the hell." We had a cancer story to share along with all of our memories and stories of family and friends and experiences. It's been forty years since we have seen each other regularly...and neither of us could remember the last time, but we talked for more than four hours and never slowed down once. What a gift her visit was.

I went to the American Cancer Society Relay for Life last night. I have never attended one and was a little uncomfortable attending this one. They asked me to register as a survivor which made me feel a little creepy. How long do you have to survive to qualify for that label? People introduced themselves during the program and said they had been, for example, diagnosed with cancer in 1985, again in 1993, again in 2005. I didn't like to hear that.

These are some of my Livestrong friends. We had an amazing and spiritual time at the Gustavus Arb. What a blessing this has been in my life.

Onward we go. We went to he Blues Fest for a while tonight. Saw people we know and love. Good music. Life is grand.

garden

My garden is just lovely this summer. I have worked hard on it for the past year. I love to sit on the little bench and watch for people to come to the little library. This is for you, Mom!

happy early saturday

There are lots of projects churning through our house this weekend.

• I'm painting my little free library.
• Regis is in charge of mounting the post which requires a post hole digger.
•  I'm tidying up the house Even vacuumed.
•  Possibility of some yard work being done.
•  We would like to get in some grilling. 
• Also might attend tonight's Grind Fu Cinema. Busy day.

That's an ambitious plan considering I slept for 90 minutes last night. I tried to take a nap this morning but sat bolt upright after 45 minutes. Even as I write this, I feel the need to rest. Haha. Maybe I'm just lazy.

A couple weeks ago, I told Regis I thought the city job of driving a little vehicle and watering flowers would be fun. Days later, he came home and said he saw our friend Maude doing it! We saw her on the street Friday and had to stop and take her picture. She is such a hoot. The story gets better. I posted this picture on Facebook and an old Mankato friend of mine saw it said she and Maude were good friends when they worked together at Johnson Fishing. Maude's photo has gotten a lot of responses which should not surprise me as she is a true character.

The boys came to install the little library yesterday so Regis came by to see how things were going. Ella and Alex were here and they had to climb right on the bus!

Teresa's Little Library is ready to go. I like the second shot because it looks like the library has legs!

Open for business!